Overcoming Worry & Doubt Archives - Page 38 of 40

February 4, 2018November 21, 2019

GOT CONFLICT? DON’T REACT . . . WAIT!

arguing

Ugh. Conflict! When someone does something that ticks us off, it’s just too easy to react right away. We might even justify our angry response by saying, “Well, I’m just setting a boundary.”

But, any words—even one!—said in the grip of frustration can make things worse rather than better.

So, then how do we defend ourselves when we’re hurt? My suggestion is to do nothing . . .for now.

One of the wisest sayings I’ve heard is: Sometimes waiting is an action.

The trick is to realize that your riled-up feelings are distorting your interpretation of the events. When in this kind of defending and blaming mode, no good communication can be had. So, it’s best to WAIT until you can perceive the situation from a more peaceful place.

Many people use the three-day rule; they wait three days to gain perspective before taking action, and if still uncertain about how to respond, they wait a few more days.

Here are a few tips to help you settle down, gain a new perspective, and find a source of wisdom to guide you to right actions and words.

Try to remember that you won’t feel this way forever. Then WAIT.
Remind yourself that, although your feelings seem real, they are not necessarily based on reality. They’re based on an interpretation of a mind too easily offended. And WAIT.
Decide to take charge of your mind.
Whenever you catch yourself pondering how to fix your situation, STOP! Leave it in your mind and don’t act. Instead, say to yourself, “I want to see this differently.”
Say the Serenity Prayer (or another positive phrase) and keep saying it until your worry and need for control fade away.
Continue replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones as often as necessary. (This could be a lot!)

Eventually, you will find yourself either completely unconcerned about the problem, or you will intuitively know what to say or do when the time is right.

Gigi Langer holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education and an MA in Psychology, both from Stanford University. As a person in recovery, Gigi hasn’t had a drug or drink for 32 years. Through her writing, speeches, retreats, and workshops, she has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and at work.

Order Gigi’s new book, 50 WAYS TO WORRY LESS NOW: REJECT NEGATIVE THINKING TO FIND PEACE, CLARITY, AND CONNECTION here: Amazon or Seattle Books

January 9, 2018September 27, 2018

Are You A Prisoner of Your Whispered Lies?

Check out my guest blog, “Are You A Prisoner of Your Whispered Lies?” on PositivelyPositive.com. It’s about overcoming negative thinking. Very Exciting!

Here below is what’s there….but check out PositivelyPositive, cuz their stuff is great!

I’m 38–with my doctorate and a new job teaching college. Yet I’m drinking in the afternoon. An attractive stranger comes in. I look at myself in the mirror behind the bar. My third husband is waiting for me to come home. But I know I won’t until the beer, sex, and drugs take the pain away. It’s crazy. I finally realize I must find a way out of this stupor.

Today, 30 years later, I’m happily married. I love my life and I’m at peace.

The secret? I’ve learned to overcome the negative thoughts causing my worries and fears—the whispered lies I told myself.

Here are a few examples:

Relationships just don’t work for me.
I always sabotage my success.
I could be happy if only my husband would stop drinking.
People only like me if I’m attractive and successful.

Reject Negative Thinking to Find Peace, Clarity, and Connection

When life isn’t working, it’s usually because we’re trying to force things to go our way. Our whispered lies tell us we can’t handle life, and worrying about people and situations we can’t control just makes us feel worse. In fact, the National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 30% of Americans struggle with worry and anxiety.

But there is a solution: You can find peace of mind under any circumstances because you’re in charge of what you think about.

I’ve discovered four strategies and 50 tools to stop the chorus of lies in your head. The system draws on my work in psychology, recovery programs, cognitive therapy, energy work, scientific literature, and a variety of spiritual teachings.

These tools help you handle troubling times with calm wisdom, fulfill your dreams, and create loving relationships.

Try It Out!

When you’re agitated, try these simple suggestions to dissolve your own whispered lies.

Listen to your thoughts and notice how they cause tension in your body.
Breathe slowly and deeply until your body calms down. Withdraw your attention from your worries and focus on your breathing. (The free app, Insight Timer, https://insighttimer.com/ teaches you to focus on your breathing instead of on your fears.)
Imagine you’re on a balcony observing a stage filled with your thoughts and emotions. Do not condemn them; just notice them with curiosity.
Write your mind’s messages in a journal. You’ll notice they’re whispering that 1) the past pain will repeat itself or 2) the future will be disastrous.
Ask yourself if you are 100% sure they’re true. You’ll find that they are not because you can’t predict the future. (Byron Katie’s “The Work” shows you how at com/en)
Focus again on your breathing and recognize who is watching your thoughts: a part of your mind that’s stronger and wiser than the imagined disturbances.
Consistently connect with this power through meditation, affirmations, prayer, therapy, yoga, inspirational reading, growth-oriented groups, or any method you prefer. Sooner or later, the answers to your troubles will appear—in the most amazing ways and for the best of all involved.

When your worries clog your life channel, only a tiny bit of wisdom, peace, or happiness can flow through it. Your consistent use of these and other positive tools will keep your channel open, so loving care comes into your life and goes out toward others.

What are some of your favorite tools for overcoming your own negative thinking?

Gigi Langer holds a Ph.D. in Psychological Studies in Education and an MA in Psychology from Stanford University. She is a seasoned author and popular speaker who has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and work. Gigi hasn’t had a drug or drink for over 30 years. Her newest book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking Find Peace, Clarity, and Connection, is available now for pre-order at Seattle Book Company or Amazon for delivery in February.

December 28, 2017June 29, 2018

Overcome Your Problems: Find A New Perspective

When you’re facing confusion, conflict, or other problems, begin by honestly admitting that your thinking is distorted by fear. Then, claim the power to find a new perspective.

Rumi, the thirteenth-century Persian poet and Sufi mystic, wrote,

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing is a field. I will meet you there.

Looking beyond the contours of the problem leads to a field of new possibilities. It’s a choice between living in the problem and living in the solution.

Living in the problem.Our worries focus our attention on the “rightdoing and wrongdoing” of our situation: We obsess about who was at fault, what we should have said or done, or how a situation should be different. These fears make us tense, often leading to rash actions and damaged relationships.

Living in the solution.When we look “out beyond” these negative thoughts, we find a perspective of peace, hope, and wisdom. This is where the solutions lie.

Recently, I argued with my husband by insisting the GPS was giving us the wrong directions. After a pretty nasty exchange, I closed my mouth, breathed quietly, and chose to seek a new perspective. Every time my mind wanted to prove that I was right, I said the Serenity Prayer. Soon, the heat of my emotions subsided. Later, we both had a good laugh when we saw that my “better” route was no faster than the GPS’s route!

Try this simple exercise to experience living in the solution rather than in the problem. It’s a variation on “The Golden Key” published in Power Through Constructive Thinking (free PDF of the entire book) by Emmet Fox, a New Thought leader of the early 20^th century.

Whenever a troubling thought comes to you, gently focus your mind on something that brings you hope or happiness. It may be a phrase (“All is well”); a prayer; or an image of a beloved child or a rose. When you revert to worrying, think instead about your positive thought.

Make the switch as often as necessary.

Your thoughts frequently return to the problem in the mistaken belief that this will fix it. Be vigilant and gentle as you teach your mind to think about the positive thoughts you’ve chosen.

Soon you will gain a peaceful outlook that leads to wise solutions. Quite often you’ll find no action is necessary at all.

Gigi Langer holds a Ph.D. in Psychological Studies in Education and an MA in Psychology from Stanford University. Through her writing, coaching, and speaking, Gigi has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and at work. Her new book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, will be available everywhere in February 2018.

December 6, 2017December 16, 2019

Worry-Buster: Non-Attachmentu

Non-attachment boils down to a humble admission that your thoughts and actions–especially when they’re based on worry–don’t always lead to the best results. It’s trusting that a power wiser than your own fearful mind might lead you to a better outcome.

You can then approach life without fighting it, judging it, or needing to control it. Like this enlightened master replied after being asked how he remained so calm in the middle of life’s storms,

“I don’t mind what happens.”

So, if this is non-attachment, what then is attachment? Attachment is the mother of all worries. When you’re attached, your whispered lies insist you know exactly how things should turn out. Further, you’ve made your own happiness dependent upon reaching a specific result.

How do you know if you’re overly attached to something? Just ask yourself, “How often do the words should, must, or ought to go through my mind?” Attachment sounds like this:

My daughter should stop using drugs.
This person, (fill in the blank), must be nicer to me.
The mayor (or president, legislator, etc.) is wrong and ought to (fill in the blank).
I should never experience troubling situations.
I should not be aging.

These are examples of what Fred Luskin, the director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, calls unenforceable rules. Such rules demand an outcome you believe must come true, but over which you have no control. Luskin writes in Forgive for Good that these inflexible beliefs make you feel helpless, angry, hurt, hopeless or bitter. https://www.amazon.com/Forgive-Good-Proven…/dp/006251721X

Although holding an unenforceable rule may feel good—even noble—it doesn’t mean you can make it happen. In the first example, the daughter should stop using drugs, but no matter how persuasive the mother’s arguments, she doesn’t have the power to make her daughter stop.

The mother does, however, have control over her own choices and behavior. She can seek help from a therapist or Al-Anon to learn how to let go of her worry. Then she might choose a goal for how she wants to act and feel, detach from the result, and use growth tools for her own peace of mind, regardless of her daughter’s choices.

One of my own unenforceable rules became clear as I was writing this book. When my mother passed away, I found it difficult to write and became discouraged by my lack of progress. When I honestly faced the false belief that I must complete the book by a certain date, I became willing to see it differently. Eventually, after using some of my favorite worry-busters, I turned my “rule” around to “I will finish writing the book at the perfect time.” In turn, I became kinder and more flexible with myself. You can find some of the tools I used in my other blog entries: https://gigilanger.com/worry-less-blog/

Non-attachment offers you peaceful acceptance and creative freedom. Nothing becomes a live-or-die situation because you know things are working out, with results that may far surpass your greatest hopes. You can allow life to unfold without holding on so tightly to your worries.

Gigi Langer, Ph.D. Based on her work in psychology and personal experience in therapy, recovery, and a variety of spiritual teachings, Gigi is a sought-after speaker and award-winning writer and professor. She holds a Ph.D. in Psychology and Education from Stanford University.

Gigi lives happily in Michigan with her husband, Peter, and her cat, Murphy. Her new book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking to Find Peace, Clarity, and Connection will be released February 20, 2018. Learn more at https://gigilanger.com/new-book-worry-less-now/

Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

Category: Overcoming Worry & Doubt

GOT CONFLICT? DON’T REACT . . . WAIT!

Are You A Prisoner of Your Whispered Lies?

Overcome Your Problems: Find A New Perspective

Worry-Buster: Non-Attachmentu

Subscribe to Newsletter

about gigi

worry less now

speaking

Subscribe