Month: May 2018

The  4/24/18 post  explained that positive thinking is only the first in three steps to manifesting your best future.  In Step 1, you declared your intention, stated it often, and continually visualized its completion.  Beware tho’ of getting so attached to a desire that you’re consumed by it. That’s where Step 2 comes in:  LET GO & LET GOD ** (Non-Attachment to the Outcome)

After being asked how he remained so calm in the middle of life’s storms, an enlightened master replied “I don’t mind what happens.” This is non-attachment. It boils down to a humble admission that your thoughts and actions, especially when they’re based on worry, don’t always lead to the best results. It’s trusting that **a power wiser than your own intellect might have a better outcome. You can then approach life without fighting it, judging it, or needing to control it. In other words, you let go and let God take care of it.

So, if this is non-attachment, what then is attachment? Attachment is the mother of all worries. When you’re attached, your negative thinking insists it knows exactly how things should turn out. Further, you’ve made your own happiness dependent upon reaching a specific result.

In contrast, non-attachment offers you peaceful acceptance and creative freedom. Recall the guideline suggesting your affirmation include “in the best way for all concerned.” These words signify you trust your positive power to fashion a good result, even if it looks different from your initial goal.

How do you know if you’re overly attached to something? Just ask yourself, “How often do the words should, must, or ought go through my mind?” Attachment sounds like this:

• My daughter should stop using drugs.
• This person, (fill in the blank), must be nicer to me.
• The mayor (or president, legislator, etc.) is wrong and ought to (fill in the blank).
• I should be healthy and happy and never experience troubling situations.

These are examples of what Fred Luskin, the director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, calls unenforceable rules. Such rules demand an outcome you believe must come true, but over which you have no control. Luskin writes in Forgive for Good that these inflexible beliefs make you feel helpless, angry, hurt, hopeless or bitter.

Although holding an unenforceable rule may feel good—even noble—it doesn’t mean you can make it happen. In the first example, the daughter should stop using drugs, but no matter how persuasive the mother’s arguments, she doesn’t have the power to make her daughter stop. The mother does, however, have control over her own choices and behavior. She can seek help from a therapist or Al-Anon, and claim a positive power to work in the situation. Then, she might choose a goal for how she wants to act and feel, detach from the result, and use growth tools for her own peace of mind, regardless of her daughter’s choices.

One of my own unenforceable rules became clear as I was writing this book. When my mother passed away, I found it difficult to write and became discouraged by my lack of progress. When I honestly faced my belief that I must complete the book by a certain date, I became willing to see it differently. After meditating, I let go of my false belief and affirmed, “I will finish writing the book at the perfect time.” Then I turned the results over to my higher power. Even though the publication date was much later than I had planned, it was in perfect order. I used the extra time to do marketing and promotion so when it did come out, it was a big success.

The essence of non-attachment is peacefully allowing life to unfold. Nothing becomes a live-or-die situation because you know your loving power is working things out, with results that may far surpass your greatest hopes. Letting go in this way works!

Let Go & Let God Exercise.  Detach from Specific Outcomes

After setting a goal, your subsequent thoughts and actions will indicate if you’re overly attached to it or not. The following exercise will help you find out.

1. Think about a troubling situation (perhaps the one you wrote your affirmation about in April 24 blog). List the frequent thoughts you’ve had about it and the actions you’ve taken to make it better.
2. Next to each thought or action, write A for attachment or N for non-attachment.

Write A if your thought or action was driven by:

• Worry about the results;
• Thinking about the hurtful details;
• A need to fix your situation right away; or
• Insistence on one right solution.

Write N if your thought or action helped you:

• Focus on your own responsibilities, thoughts, and feelings;
• Affirm a positive power working toward the best for all concerned;
• Practice patience and compassion with yourself and others; or
• Listen with care and express your feelings and needs kindly.

3. Make note of the unenforceable rules or whispered lies blocking your progress. Let go of them and let God (positive power) take charge.
4. Accept that it may take time for your situation to work out. Trust that the use of growth tools—along with your honesty, positive power, and good choices—will improve your circumstances.

Now that you’ve released your attachment to a desired outcome, you’re ready for Step 3: Get to Work with Growth Tools. Ironically, you won’t begin with direct actions to reach your goal. Instead, you’ll use various tools to enlist the power to achieve it. The 50 tools I use most often can be found in my book and in other blog posts. Best of luck!

Gigi Langer holds an MA in Psychology and PhD in Psychological Studies in Education, both from Stanford. She’s also an educator, speaker, and author of 50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking to Find Peace, Clarity, and Connection (February, 2018), available in e-book formats and in print from Amazon.  

“Langer’s frank and empathetic tone will comfort readers, as will the practical steps she teaches.” (Featured Book, BookLife by Publishers Weekly)     “Her honesty will blow you away! It is beautifully written; filled with humor and authenticity.” (Member of Al Anon)