If you’re like me and sometimes worry about a challenge you’re facing, here are a few tools that help me through it. I usually emerge free of fear and ready to enjoy life–stress-free!
First, I get honest with myself that I’m a little rattled. (Quite often I try to deny how I’m really feeling by trying to “put on a good face”– even with myself!!)
Then I admit that fear has been in the driver’s seat of my mind and I invite a power bigger than my fear to take over my thinking. I often merely ask for help to see things differently.
Next, I choose to take the necessary actionsto find peace of mind. This requires a commitment to my own happiness and serenity.
Finally, I apply growth tools to dissolve my worries so I can connect with wisdom and love. I persist in using tools such as a simple prayer, affirmation, or calling a healthy friend to share my concerns. Sometimes I use the app Insight Timer to help me relax and trust that all is well.
Insight Timer is great; you can select guided meditations by the amount of time you have, person, or topic. I just used the one by Tara Brach to calm myself about the next phase in my book-writing adventure: Doing publicity, another whole new challenge!
Tara Brach’s 15-minute meditation helped me access the courage, inspiration, and peace of mind to move forward with my project. Her wonderful books and other products are at www.tarabrach.com
I know that honesty, power, choices, and tools like these can help you connect with the power of your true self—unfettered by fear, ego, and limitation. The sky’s the limit!
(PS: The advance reader copies of 50 Ways to Worry Less Now will be printed next week! Check it out out https:// Gigilanger.com/new-book-worry-less-now/) Release date: March 2018…unless you subscribe (-:
When you’re worried or confused, who can you trust to be helpful?
How can you be most helpful when someone you love is hurting?
These four tips will help you determine which of your friends to share your troubles with.
Tip 1: Notice how your friend responds to your concerns. Here are a few typical patterns — some more helpful than others.
a. “Here’s my solution,” rather than “Here’s how to access wise guidance.”
A less helpful friend suggests immediate solutions that attempt to control the situation. Because he’s uneasy with your discomfort, his goal is to fix it right now. Such advice can make the situation worse rather than better.
A helpful friend offers ideas and tools that bring you peace of mind and intuitive guidance. He’ll remind you that a serene state of mind will result in the best actions.
b. “It’s all about me,” rather than “It’s all about you.”
A less helpful friend responds by sharing her own troubles. If she’s not able to focus on your concerns, then she may not be truly interested in your well being.
A helpful friend listens, carefully summarizes your thoughts and feelings, and asks questions to understand you. If this friend shares her own story, it’s only offered to give you hope; then she returns the focus to you.
c. “Let’s focus on the problem,” rather than “Let’s find a place of peace.”
A less helpful friend wants to hear the lurid details. She commiserates about how terrible your situation is and helps you justify your pain. Such friends end up reinforcing your resentments, fears, and worries.
A helpful friend refuses to escalate your fears by “awfulizing” events. She might suggest that you accept the situation as it is for now, and work toward a peaceful state of mind. Finally, she reassures you that this situation will find resolution in the best way for all, and that it may take time.
d. “Here’s my solution,” rather than “Here’s how to access wise guidance.”
A less helpful friend suggests immediate solutions that attempt to control the situation. Because he’s uneasy with your discomfort, his goal is to fix it right now. Such actions often make the situation worse rather than better.
A helpful friend offers ideas and tools that bring you peace of mind and intuitive guidance. He’ll remind you that a serene state of mind will result in the best actions.
Tip 2: Consider how you feel after talking to the person. If you feel more agitation than hope, try sharing your vulnerabilities with someone else.
Tip 3: The most helpful people probably won’t come from your family. Your family members may unwittingly reinforce the very same patterns you’re trying to overcome. Give yourself some time to heal before you share deeply with family members.
Tip 4: Choose an individual who holds no sexual attraction for you. If you ignore this advice, your desire for personal growth may take a backseat to the romantic imperative, with damaging results.
Gigi Langer, PhD is a sought-after speaker on professional and personal growth. She has 35 years of experience in psychology, therapy, and recovery. Gigi has co-authored five other books and is an award-winning writer.
Her latest book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking to Find Peace, Clarity, and Connection, will be released in March 2018.
How often have you had a conversation with someone who only wanted to talk about themselves? Frustrating, aye?
Unfortunately, most of us respond to our loved ones either by telling stories about our own past or offering solutions. Both types of responses prevent seeking to understand first, perhaps the most important of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
When in a conversation with someone, open your heart, empty your mind, and listen. If you notice yourself thinking about your own past, refocus your attention on what he is saying. If you’re tempted to suggest solutions, remind yourself that actively listening is your goal.
To show your intent to understand, briefly summarize what you think you heard. When he replies, summarize again.
Listening in this way not only shows that you care—it also invites the person to clarify his own thoughts and feelings, often leading to helpful insights.
For example, if a friend tells you she’s worried about losing her job because her boss constantly criticizes her, tune in, breathe, and resist the urge to tell your own tale about a bad boss.
Then paraphrase her words: “It sounds like you get a lot of negative responses from him.”
Your friend replies, “Well, it’s not really criticism. It’s just that he has such high expectations.”
Then you summarize (without giving advice), “Hmmm, high expectations. That’s gotta be hard!”
This reply elicits her feelings and encourages more detail, allowing both of you to explore the problem and find positive ways to address it.
Try It Out
Select a friend or coworker who is easy to talk to.
Plan at least a 15-minute conversation without interruption.
You may want to begin by explaining that you’re working on your listening skills and reassure him you have only good intentions—to fully understand what he says.
Ask him to begin talking about something happening in his life.
Listen intently while suspending your urge to break in with your own experiences or solutions.
When he stops, pause to see if he’s finished and to prepare your response. Select the most important parts of what he said, and summarize one of them in your own words. For example, “So, you said (fill in blank). Tell me more about that.” or “You mentioned the word (fill in blank). What does that mean to you?”
If it seems acceptable to the other person, ask him how it felt to be listened to this way.
In your everyday interactions, make a conscious effort to listen carefully to others and paraphrase what you heard. Withhold your own thoughts and reactions until you fully comprehend the other person’s position or experience.
Even though the habit of seeking to understand may feel artificial, you will soon find it more natural, especially when you sincerely intend to give pure, loving attention to another. As you listen fully, you’ll be astonished at how much you learn—and by the good will you create.
Gigi Langer, PhD is a sought-after speaker on professional and personal growth. She has 35 years of experience in psychology, therapy, and recovery. Gigi has co-authored five other books and is an award-winning writer.
Her latest book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking to Find Peace, Clarity, and Connection, will be released in March 2018.
Gigi Langer, PhD is a sought-after speaker on professional and personal growth. She has 35 years of experience in psychology, therapy, and recovery. Gigi has co-authored five other books and is an award-winning writer.
Gigi Langer, PhD