stress Archives - Page 6 of 12

June 19, 2022June 19, 2022

ACCEPTANCE IS THE ANSWER TO ALL OUR PROBLEMS

Let’s consider the idea of acceptance. How well has trying to control things worked for you? Do you believe you can change your loved ones? Or the fix world?

You might be suffering with incessant regrets about the past, wishing you could change or fix it. Even worse, are you living in the wreckage of your future, constantly imagining how to avoid things like illness, poverty or loneliness?

All these pitfalls involve non-acceptance: the refusal to acknowledge how little control we have over other people, places, or things. In non-acceptance, we resist reality by immersing ourselves in fantasies, addictions, and other habits that shield us from the facts. This constant negative thinking keeps us in a loop of misery when our expectations aren’t met.

Acceptance

The only solution is acceptance: honestly admitting our own personal lack of power. As stated in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Fourth Edition, page 417,

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. . . . Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.”

An Example of Acceptance

Recently, my friend, Kayla, described her awakening to acceptance as “being hit by a pile of bricks.” Kayla had spent most of her adult years in a horrible, abusive relationship that was finally ending. She was struggling with codependency and began attending Twelve-Step meetings. Recently she began to work with a sponsor on Step One, admitting that a) we are powerless over the addiction of codependency, and that b) our lives have become unmanageable.

Reading about Step One and pondering the questions in her study guide, Kayla quickly came to see the truth: Her relationship was really over now, and her efforts to guarantee her happiness had failed. But it was not a happy insight; in fact, she had a few days of depression. Then she arose from her bed, free of the false illusions that had kept her trapped.

In short, with great courage, she threw in the towel and surrendered the fight. She was then ready to proceed to a new way of life with healthy others and a power greater than her codependence.

My Favorite Ways of Avoiding Acceptance

We all struggle with denial and non-acceptance from time to time. It helps to know the signs, so I can notice my shitty attitude and choose instead to accept life on life’s terms. Here are a few of my favorite avoidance strategies. My book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, offers many tools to come to acceptance and move on with our healing.

1. Trying to Figure It Out: “Why?” Is Not a Spiritual Question

Often my first defense against something I don’t like is to try to figure it out. For example, I try to analyze what I did, or what I should have done about the situation, with the (unrealistic) goal that I can change the past or manipulate the future. This is playing God, thinking that I should know why everything happens–totally impossible!

2. Judging and Resisting Things as They Are

Non-acceptance whispers to me that I know exactly how things should turn out, because other people are screwing up. If only they would listen to me, everything would be okay! Worse, my resistance tells me I can’t be happy unless I see this specific result. A sure dead-end.

3. Isolating in Denial

It’s only too easy to remain isolated without the care and guidance of healthy, honest friends. All alone, I can stay in denial, using my favorite ways of feelings-avoidance: food, TV, sex, or substances. When I open up honestly to another, I can find help to accept the truth and move on–hopefully with a structured program that builds in me a new way of living.

What’s Your Experience with Acceptance?

Acceptance boils down to a humble admission that our thoughts and actions–especially those based on the desire to control–don’t always lead to the best results. It’s trusting that a power wiser than our own fearful mind might lead us to the best outcomes. We can then approach life without fighting it, judging it, or needing to control it.

This step leaves us ready to find the solutions we’ve been seeking through a power greater than ourselves–the purpose of the remaining Twelve Steps.

I would love to hear from you! Please reply to glanger2202@gmail.com

Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.

Gigi’s award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to correct the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted, personally signed Paperback with free Workbook PDF HERE)

May 21, 2022May 21, 2022

Awakening to Your True Self

(An excerpt from my new book, due in September)

At any moment, especially when we’re quiet (or when our hearts are breaking), we can receive such glimmers of truth shining into our being, reassuring us that we are whole and safe in this life. I am so thankful for discovering the strength of my true self in a world where my heart sometimes beats to the blinding force of fear.

Who is your true self? It’s the you who knows intuitively the next right thing to do, has healthy friends to consult, can feel the pain of life and heal it, and who brings love and service to those you encounter.

How do we grow away from our fearful self and into our true self? For the past 30 years, I’ve joined with many inspired mentors to apply the teachings of the Twelve Steps and A Course in Miracles (ACIM) to every aspect of my life. My experience, and that of millions of others, suggests that we can claim our true heart and life by:

Opening our hearts. We are here to move away from a life dominated by fear, defenses, and criticism toward a life of love, acceptance, and compassion.
Connecting our hearts. As we experience our internal state tipping from love to fear, we join with others to give and receive inspiration and care.

Following these two paths has healed my most troubling problems: codependency, sexual abuse, chronic pain, divorce, worry about loved ones, perfectionism, and job stress. Now I enjoy peace of mind and serenity, no matter my circumstances. I hope awakening to your true self will bring you similar benefits.

Gigi Langer, PhD has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and at work. She’s written several books for educators, and is a sought-after speaker and workshop leader. Gigi holds a doctorate in Psychology in Education, and an MA in Psychology, both from Stanford.

February 5, 2022March 13, 2022

THE PUNISHMENT OF PERFECTIONISM

Recently, I taught Session #2 of the Worry Less Now group of 10 wonderful women. During the session, I felt rushed and tense–possibly because I had planned too many things for the 75 minutes. So, I made some mistakes: I omitted the prayer at the beginning; and during our Masterminding, more than once I forgot a crucial step and one of the participants had to remind me.

Although I laughed about it at the time, afterwards, I felt ashamed due to my old flaw of perfectionism. The ego grabbed my mental microphone, whispering lies about how I had embarrassed myself. Then I tried to figure out why I had made the mistakes, in the false hope that I would never do so again. This self-punishment exhausted me, subtly draining my enthusiasm over the next few days.

By Sunday, I finally acknowledged the cloud over my head and my wise voice said, “We need some time to get our head straight. Noone can make me do a F!#*ing thing tomorrow.”

I cleared my calendar, had coffee with my husband, and then lay down for a healing session with God. First, my kitty came and cuddled up on my lap (how does she know just when to appear?). I relaxed my body and breathed slowly as I imagined Mother Mary at my head, God on my left side, Jesus at my feet, and the Holy Spirit on my right side. As I said the Lord‘s prayer, their loving presence soothed my jagged feelings.

Then something surprising happened: several dark strands of false beliefs appeared to be lifted out of my body, dismantling my belief that I couldn’t be loved unless I was perfect.

Is It True? Is It Really True?

At the next session I had planned to talk about Byron Katie’s “The Work” and, as I lay in perfect peace, I had a great idea: I could illustrate the use of this tool with my perfectionism’s whispered lie: “I should not make mistakes.” My answers to the four questions are:

Is It True? Yes
Is It Completely True? No.
What’s the Emotional Cost? I admitted how much pain and tension this belief had caused me,
What Could My Life Be without The Belief? I could relax in loving acceptance of myself when making mistakes.

Turnaround #1: “I should not make mistakes” becomes “I should make mistakes.”

How is this statement as true or truer than the first one? Perhaps the pain of my mistakes made me humble enough to admit that I am not God; I’m only human, and mistakes have nothing to do with my security or lovability. It could also be true because it creates a teaching opportunity for my class and a chance to illustrate how I too get hung up by my ego.

Turnaround #2: “I should not make mistakes” becomes “They should not make mistakes.” How is this as true or truer that the original statement? I saw my ego in living color as I sat and criticized people on TV and social media. Then God showed me that since we are all connected, my judging others separates me from them and from God too. Hmm, not God’s will!

Then, this turnaround came into my receptive mind: “I should not make mistakes” became “God should not make mistakes.” Slowly, the tears began to flow; I can’t explain why, really; perhaps I thought that if God could make mistakes, then we were all screwed. I knew this could not be true, as God has been the only reliable source of love and safety in my life.

What Have I Learned?

So, what have I learned from doing “The Work” with my whispered lie, “I should not make mistakes,” and its corollary, “If I do, I can’t be loved.”

-By believing I must be perfect, I was “easing God out” and opening the door to self- condemnation, which is not God‘s will.

-Releasing that false belief allowed love to flow back into my heart, restoring my energy and connection with God.

-Turning the whispered lie around taught me that I cannot separate myself from God and others without causing myself misery.

-Finally, I believe my letting go of my false beliefs helps others do the same.

I am so grateful that my spirits inspired me to write this, share it with my class, and perhaps include it in my new book. And most of all, I’m glad that God helped me shed another layer of perfectionism!

gigi langer worry less now

My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to reject the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE

worry less now gigi langer

WORRY LESS NOW PERFECTIONISM

December 9, 2021December 9, 2021

WHEN LIFE IS SCARING THE S*** OUT OF US!

For the past two months, my dear Peter has been quite ill. You may remember that he’s my fourth husband, after many failures due to codependence and substance abuse. I’ve now had the blessing of 32 ½ happy years with a caring, responsible, and extremely fun partner.

I love him dearly and am grateful for every day together. Don’t get me wrong, though; I haven’t made him into my higher power as I did with so many other men. No, I stand in the strength of spirit, and we hold hands as we meet life’s adventures together.
So, in this latest adventure, we recently learned that Peter has significant heart disease; and then yesterday, he had all the signs of a heart attack! So went to the ER, and they kept him at the hospital overnight. YIKES!
So, how do we handle things that are scaring the shit out of us? A well-worn statement from Alanon is: The more we talk about the problem, the less we focus on the solution. So, let’s get to the solutions:

focusing on love rather than fear,
not numbing my feelings, and
clinging to strong supportive friends.

Not Scaring Myself: Choosing Love

Thank God, I recently signed up for Carol Howe’s short daily recordings of ACIM (A Course in Miracles) lessons. ACIM teaches us over and over that our fearful, self-centered mind (ego) causes our upsets because it always “thinks” something is keeping us from getting what we want. For example, my fearful voice was crying, “Will I be left alone? Can I handle Peter’s declining health?”
You can see these are all ego-questions about “me, myself, and I.” But these imaginings are only projections of past pain onto the future. They have nothing to do with the truth.
My only path to peace is to reject the ego’s lies and focus on Love. So, I chose new thoughts: ”I will not see this situation through fear; I see it only through Love. Nothing can separate me from goodness; and the same goes for Peter. All is well.”

Staying Present with Support

During my tough times, I have two non-negotiables:

I mustn’t consistently numb myself out with drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, or overactivity. I sure did eat a lot of sugar this week; and I’ve been known to veg out in front of movies to soften the blow of fear. But I don’t do this for long, and I continue my footwork. If I go for days with self-numbing and no positive self-care, I am in trouble and need help.
I must reach out for support from friends on a similar growth path. This is not usually a family member or romantic interest; and it’s not someone who judges or tries to fix me. Most of my support buddies are healthy, sober women.

Your Prayers Rock!

So yesterday, I sent out a call for prayer and support from my recovery buddies, and WOW! did they ever pull through! I got so many sweet, comforting texts (Some who sent them are reading this, and I thank you SO much!)
Here’s one example from my dear friend, Eileen, who sent this request to Rosary Circle, Carolyn Myss’ prayer community:
“Please pray for Peter, the husband of my dear friend, Gigi. Peter has been ill for a couple of months with influenza B and was recently diagnosed with heart disease. Please visualize Peter eagerly learning about cardiovascular disease and embracing the dietary and lifestyle changes that will improve his health. Pray that he finds educational resources that fit his needs and budget, that he experiences hope and that he feels the love of family and friends. Bless Gigi as she supports Peter and bless his caregivers as they develop an effective and efficient plan to monitor and treat him. We gratefully anticipate Peter’s return to health that he may use his life to serve you.” Thank you, thank you, thank you. It is done!

The Good News

Tonight we came home from the ER with a good report: Altho’ Peter has heart disease, he has not had a heart attack, and he passed the stress test quite well! (He does still have Influenza B even though we had flu shots). But, there is so much to be grateful for.
I am so glad I’ve learned to keep my serenity bank full by praying, meditating, and joining with my friends in AA, Alanon, and ACIM. When the scary times hit, I can call on that reserve to help us through it with trust and calm.

Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

Tag: stress