After solving my drinking problem, I was amazed to find equally damaging aspects within my own personality–low self-esteem, jealousy, perfectionism, and constant anxiety.
I now think of these ācharacter flawsāĀ as survival strategiesĀ that helped meĀ cope in the past, but no longer serveĀ me in the present. For example, standing up for my own needsĀ often brought on ridicule at home, so I became a people-pleaser and pretended everything was fine. Now, many years later, I no longer need to suppress my needs because Iāve learned to beĀ honest andĀ assertiveĀ in my relationships.Ā
To change this old,Ā damaging pattern, I neededĀ to discover theĀ motivatorsĀ underlying it: where had IĀ beenĀ fearful, dishonest, resentful, or selfish?Ā Often these motivators showed up in my self-talk as whispered lies.Ā For instance, my fear might whisper, āDonātĀ speak up; if youĀ do, heāll getĀ angry and leave.ā Ā Dishonesty also played its partĀ by denying my unpleasant feelings.Ā (For more on Whispered Lies, see my book,Ā 50 Ways to Worry Less NowĀ –Ā amzn.to/2RMx5m5).Ā
When I used therapy, the 12 steps, and other practices to dissolve my fears and dishonesty, I gained positive self-talk (Whispered Truths) such as, āI have the right to ask for what I desire.ā As a result, my happiness and relationships benefited from my assertiveness and honesty.
Here I illustrate how eachĀ motivator (Fear, Dishonesty, Resentment, Selfishness)Ā spawnsĀ whispered lies,Ā character flaws, andĀ negative consequences.Ā But the story doesnāt end there!Ā After choosing to let go of these patterns and humbly asking God to remove them, we find the healing of internalĀ whispered truthsĀ andĀ many benefits.
FEAR UNHEALED
- Whispered Lies: āIf I create conflict or speak up, people will leave me.ā āI must perform well to be loved.ā āIf I make a mistake, Iāll be abandoned.ā
- Character Flaws: People-pleasing, Perfectionism, Fear of failure, Laziness, Doubt
- Consequences: Victim mentality, Blaming others, Anxiety, Procrastination, Giving up
FEAR HEALED
- Whispered Truths: āI have a right to ask for what I desire.ā āI can be imperfect and still be worthy of love.ā āMy high standards improve my work when I also take good care of myself.ā
- Benefits: Assertiveness, Improved relationships, Courage, Serenity, Trust, Faith
DISHONESTY UNHEALED
- Whispered Lies: āI have to be who people want me to be.ā āIf I can figure this out, I can keep my loved ones safe.ā āI canāt be happy unless things change.ā
- Character Flaws: Codependency; Needing to control people, places, and things; Self-justification
- Consequences: Failed relationships, Trying to change others, Overthinking, Obsessing about the future, Lack of self-care, Anxiety, Denial of powerlessness
DISHONESTY HEALED
- Whispered Truths: āI find the courage to take good care of myself.ā āMy higher power is in charge of my own and my loved onesā security.ā āI canāt change people, places or things, but I CAN change how I think and act.ā āThis is Godās job, not mine.ā
- Benefits: Loving others with honesty, Moderation, Acceptance, Resiliency
RESENTMENT UNHEALED
- Whispered Lies: āNothing works out for me.ā āScrew life!ā āIām not getting what I deserve.ā āI hate him/her/it!ā
- Character Flaws: Negativity, Self-Pity, Intolerance, Impatience, Envy
- Consequences: Gossip, Depression, Defensive in friendships, Distrust love, Anger
RESENTMENT HEALED
- Whispered Truths: āI have everything I need as God wills.ā āEverything is in perfect order; I just canāt see it right now.ā āThis person is troubled just as I am; I see us both with compassion.ā āAll is well.ā
- Benefits: Acceptance, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Self-care, Humility (seeking Godās will), Generosity
SELFISHNESS UNHEALED
- Whispered Lies: āSheās better than I am, so sheāll get all the attention I need.ā āIām better at this than she is, so Iām more worthy than she is.ā āI must have this NOW!ā
- Character Flaws: Pride, Greed, Self-criticism, Judging others, Suspicion
- Consequences: Relationship difficulties, Withholding love, Non-communication, Stress/anxiety, Rigid expectations of others (and of ourselves).
SELFISHNESS HEALED
- Whispered Truths: āI am an equal among equals.ā āWeāre all loved and loveable.ā āWe all share flaws; thatās okay.ā
- Benefits: Happy relationships, Generosity, Consideration of others, Acceptance
*Note that each of the four motivators shows up to some extent in almost every flaw listed
HOW DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH THESE IDEAS? I’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU!
Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the āQueen of Worry,ā Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.
My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to reject the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)