Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

Ā Love More Now!

How Steps 4-12 Open Our Hearts

The Rest of the 12 Steps (from Love More Now by Gigi Langer

Step 4. Courage

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Notice the word fearless. You might ask, Where do we get the courage to go on? Note that coeur, the French word for heart, is the root word for courage. For some time now, you’ve been opening your heart to this powerful flow of Love. And now it’s time to use it.

Let’s face it, addiction is the opposite of courage. It’s the chicken’s way out. I can’t handle who I am, so I’ll hide it. Once into recovery, many balk at Step 4, as fear and shame whisper, I don’t want to face it. All that nasty stuff will come gushing out and overwhelm me. When we’re afraid to go on, many suggest backing up to the prior Step until we can trust that Love has our backs. It’s also helpful to begin the inventory with a list of our assets.

Although I too feared that the ugly would come out all at once, that didn’t happen. In fact, the wisdom of my True Self allowed my secrets to emerge only when I was ready. Some of the scariest things didn’t arise until I was a few years sober, thank God!

So, how do we take a fearless moral inventory? The primary text of AA illustrates how to examine our resentments, fears, and sexual behavior. In each area, we are to consider how we’ve been holding on to the four main barriers to Love discussed earlier: Resentment, Self-Centered Motives, Self-Deception, and Self-Condemnation.

As we move through the steps, we notice how certain roles learned early in life have been sabotaging our ability to function in healthy ways. I described these six patterns in Chapter 2, pages 38–40: Caretaker, Martyr, Perfectionist, People Pleaser, Workaholic, and Tap Dancer. In Chapter 4, pages 83–85, you’ll see how I combined the four barriers and six patterns into a ten-question inventory that may be helpful in understanding how we’ve been contributing to our misery in the face of life’s challenges.

By reflecting on our habitual responses in this way, we can begin to face and change them. But only if we don’t keep them a secret.

Step 5. Integrity

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

I’ve often heard that we’re only as sick as our secrets. Indeed, what stays hidden tends to spawn shame and guilt, corrosive poisons that eat away at us. The purpose of Step 5 is to dissolve the shame that’s been blocking the integrity of our True Selves.

When we share our inventory with our sponsor or a trusted third party, we’re amazed that they don’t frown or go running away when they hear our misdeeds. Often, they reply by sharing a few of their own, some of them quite awful. This caring experience goes a long way toward healing our self-condemning whispered lies. Remember the Master-Beaters Club in Chapter 2, page 29–30? That habit began to dissolve as I felt my sponsor’s unwavering loving care, regardless of the secrets I revealed to her.

Although facing another human being with my flaws wasn’t easy, the hardest part was admitting them to God (Loving Energy). I was so afraid I’d be judged as unworthy of Divine Love. But that wasn’t the case. Sharing my inventory removed my distrust and opened my heart to give and receive love in a healthy way.

But taking responsibility for our part in our troubles is only another beginning. We’ve not yet decided whether we’re ready to give up our self-defeating patterns.

Step 6. Willingness

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

They say at meetings that when we let go of a ā€œdefectā€ (what we’ve been calling a fearful pattern), it has scratch marks all over it. Why? Because, even though we’ve admitted that our old coping strategies have been blocking Love from our lives, we’re not immediately willing to let go of them. Part of us still insists we need them to feel safe.

To become ā€œentirely ready,ā€ most of us need to get so sick and tired of our old ways of handling life that we’re finally willing to let them go. How wise for the founders of AA to make a space for our hesitation, to allow for patience while we wait, staying connected to our program and trusting the process.

This example illustrates how a common defect, low self-esteem, can be healed through Steps 6 and 7. My friend, DeeDee, believed the whispered lie, They don’t love me, so I must not be worthy of love. This whispered lie and its buddy, If they did love me, they would (or wouldn’t) be doing this, saying this, etc., had set her up for failed relationships, addiction, codependency, and a lifetime of resentments.

As DeeDee progressed through Steps 4 and 5, she began to realize that she had set up unrealistic, unenforceable rules for how people must show her loving care. Coincidentally, she was taking a course that required her to ask her mother to list DeeDee’s positive attributes. She said her mother’s list felt ā€œlike a stab in the gutā€ because it referred to DeeDee’s relapses, and implied she was better at loving her pets than her family. When DeeDee asked me for feedback, I wrote:

ā€œ Yes. There it is in black and white. How she still judges you and withholds love. Ouch. She’s right in implying that your family relationships have been out of kilter. Alcoholism and old fears and patterns will do that. This is perfect Step-6 timing. The constant perception of ā€˜not being lovable’ has run its course and you seem ā€˜entirely ready’ to have it removed. And when you ask for its healing, your higher power will help you to see it (and your mother’s reactions) differently. In the meantime, let’s work on softening your heart toward your mother. Remember that she’s been scared witless by your relapse earlier this year. She’s human and loves you desperately while struggling to handle her fear. Here are two suggestions: Bless her by praying that she has everything that will make her happy, and then list all of her positive qualities. We’ll know this pattern is healed when, regardless of what she says or does, you’ll rather quickly see the love underneath her words. It may take a little time, but it will happen. Let’s move on to Step 7 to get free of your old resentments.ā€

Step 7. Humility

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

The word humility is too often misunderstood as a weakness. Try thinking of it this way instead: Humility isn’t thinking less of myself; it’s thinking of myself less often.

In DeeDee’s case, even though she had low self-esteem (thought less of herself), she spent many hours thinking of herself, rehashing how she wasn’t getting loved in the ways she demanded. She couldn’t humbly open her heart to her mother until she asked Loving Power to remove her resentments and self-centered demands.

The opposite of humility is false pride: I can force the world to give me what I want. Fortunately, we’ve begun to deflate our pride by admitting and listing our fears and patterns in Steps 4, 5, and 6. Now, in Step 7, we finally ask to be changed, to be free of our old heart-closing ways. Knowing we can’t do it on our own, we turn to a power greater than our fears. As my friend Mark A. Lord says, ā€œLet God (Love) do the heavy lifting.ā€ All we need to do is ask with sincerity and a willingness to get out of the way.

Here’s the Seventh-Step prayer that DeeDee and I said at our next meeting.

ā€œ My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now  remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go from here, to do your bidding.ā€60

As of this writing (many months after this incident), DeeDee is open-hearted toward her mother and rarely feels rejected when her mother mentions DeeDee’s past relapses. The Seventh-Step prayer worked!

Note that the Step 7 prayer asks that we be free of anything ā€œthat stands in the way of my usefulness to you [God/ Loving Energy/True Self] and my fellows.ā€ Even though we want emotional relief from our fears, problems, and isolation, our personal transformation is really about becoming useful by loving and helping others.

Step 8. Discipline

Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

An amend is a mending, a closing of the separation from others. Recall the image on page 82 in Chapter 4 that showed the difference between open-hearted connection and closed-hearted separation.

We can easily discover those we have harmed by the twist of discomfort in our gut when we think of them. That discomfort is a sign of regret over our past behavior.

When listing those we’ve harmed, some sponsors have us make three lists: 1) Yes, I’m willing when the time is right; 2) No, I’m not yet ready, and 3) Hell, no. Never! The names may change lists from time to time, but for now, they just sit there. In the meantime, we trust Loving Energy and our sponsor to guide us to the right people with the right words at the right time.

Before approaching anyone to make amends, we need the discipline to reflect on our motives. Too often, especially early on, our motive is to get rid of our awful feelings of shame, without regard for the other person. When driven by such urges, our amends are likely to be seen as what they are: another bid to make ourselves feel better. No. This is about staying sober and loving others, unencumbered by guilt.

Again, AA’s wise founders have allowed us time to become spiritually centered before we try to heal damaged relationships. In other words, we wait until we’ve softened our heart toward the individual. This may take a while. In my case, I had to wait five years to make amends to one of my ex-husbands. It can only happen when our hearts are ready and our motive is pure.

Step 9. Forgiveness

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Forgiveness is a central piece of making amends. When our hearts are open, we can forgive the other person for their part (if any) in the incident. Then we can focus on our part and finally forgive ourselves.

Saying, ā€œI’m sorryā€ is not usually sufficient, as it doesn’t mend much of anything. Most people start with a statement of how much they appreciate the other person. Then they explain that they’re in recovery and trying to mend their past. They briefly describe their offending words or actions, without adding the gory details. Finally, they ask the person how they can make up for the wrongdoing. If the request is possible and within reason, they do it.

Note the words at the end of Step 9: ā€œExcept when to do so would injure them or others.ā€ This means that we don’t have the right to feel better at someone else’s expense. Step 9 is not about blame or revenge; it’s not about the past at all. It’s about clearing our conscience and opening our hearts to ourselves and the other person.

Most of us fear that the person we harmed will respond with anger. Even if they do, we’ve learned through our step work that our security is not in someone else’s hands. We’ve done the right thing by reaching out, and we realize the amends are about cleaning up the wreckage of our past as best we can. How the other person takes it is up to them.

Also, note the words, ā€œmade amends wherever possible.ā€ If it isn’t possible, we can write a letter or imagine talking to their spirit/True Self.

Finally, let’s consider the idea of living amends. One of the best ways to make amends with those we see often is to open our hearts to them by offering consistent kindness and compassion. We also demonstrate how we’re taking good care of ourselves by conscientiously working the Steps with a sponsor. Over time, and with consistent decent behavior, we transform the damaged relationships into ones of trust and Love.

Step 10. Acceptance

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Because we’re changing a lifetime of self-centered fears and patterns, they won’t all improve at once. Indeed, the more we reflect on them, the more quickly we notice when we’ve done or said something that doesn’t align with our new, positive changes. This is where acceptance comes in. We no longer try to be perfect; we merely claim spiritual progress.

Whether the wrong is to us or another, we promptly use an abbreviated form of Steps 4–7 to look at our part. With practice, we get the hang of noticing when our old ways are disturbing our peace of mind. We do a quick personal inventory and place our fears and patterns in Love’s hands. And of course, if we’ve harmed someone, we make amends.

Here’s a rather humbling situation where an old pattern caused me to hurt another. One day at a Twelve-Step meeting, a man stood up and said very dogmatically that only the ā€œreal alcoholicsā€ should be there. His inflexible tone sounded just like my mother when she drunkenly talked about politics, and I felt that same old fear and anger. I knew that tender spot had been triggered, but that didn’t stop me from talking to him after the meeting.

Driven by my fear, I tried to convince him how his words had threatened the primary purpose of AA, to help anyone who had a desire to stop drinking. But my superior tone didn’t change his mind. In fact, after a few minutes of listening to him defend his position, I grew frustrated, turned away, and said in a nasty voice, ā€œIt must be great to be so right all the time!ā€ Oops! Self-will run riot!

Later, I did a quick inventory, admitting that I had started our conversation with a closed heart and a desire to change him, even though he’d never asked for my advice. Fear, self-deception, perfectionism, and self-condemnation had crept into my mind and closed my heart against him. After discussing the situation with my sponsor, I knew I needed to call him to confess my tender spot and apologize. Thank God, he was quite gracious about it.

That experience taught me to delay my responses when my inner child gets triggered. Instead of reacting, I need to get quiet and take good care of my own feelings. Then, and only then, if it’s important to address the issue, I do. I’ve also learned to avoid or stay quiet around those who dogmatically insist they are right.

Step 11. Knowledge and Awareness

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

My AA friends say that praying is talking to God, and meditation is listening for God’s response. In Chapter 3, pages 61–64, we explored meditation at length, but we haven’t talked much about prayer.

Step 11 encourages us to pray ā€œonly for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.ā€ I believe that God’s will is for us to open our hearts to the divine essence of every person we encounter, as stated in ACIM Lesson 45, ā€œGod is the mind with which I think.ā€61 This lesson asks me to allow Love to be the source of my thoughts. I do this by increasing my conscious contact with Loving Energy.

Early in recovery, I had never prayed and doubted that prayer would do much good. However, I decided to try it after reading Karen Casey’s six persuasive reasons to pray.

  1. Prayer promises relief when we are anxious.
  2. P rayer connects us with our higher power when we feel isolated and full of fear.
  3. P rayer frees our minds from the obsessionĀ  to plan other people’s lives.
  4. P rayer helps us take action when we feel compelled to change the circumstances of our lives.
  5. P rayer becomes a wonderful resource to draw on when living through our painful moments.
  6. A nd prayer gives us the willingness toĀ  accept God’s solution for every problemĀ  that plagues us.ā€62

When I get quiet and sincerely ask to see beyond my fearful, negative thinking, I gain access to the comfort, courage, and wisdom of Loving Energy. As we commit to aligning our thoughts with Love, we will increasingly know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.

Step 12. Service and Gratitude

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I think of a spiritual awakening as learning how to notice— and then reject—fear’s destructive patterns and lies so that Loving Energy can inspire my True Self for the benefit of all.

We’ve heard about carrying the message to help other alcoholics, but what about practicing ā€œthese principles in all our affairs?ā€ The short version is to strive for open-hearted living by showing Love, kindness, and care in our daily lives.

We learn to give and receive Love through relationships because we are both students and teachers to each other. Imagine several people holding hands while climbing a hill. The first person leads the person behind him, this person helps the one behind him, and so on. A stronger person helps us grow, so we can extend that strength to another. This is how recovery and most other growth paths work.

Talk to anyone who’s been following a Twelve-Step program, and you’ll find they’ve gained not only freedom from addiction, but they also enjoy loving families, amazing jobs, priceless peace of mind, and a subtle joy in life. Even when the hard times come, they have supportive love around them to help them through.

My newest book, Love More Now: Facing Life’s Challenges with an Open Heart is only $9.99 –available from Amazon HERE.

Get my award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, for only $6.00 at GigiLanger.com/buy (or get e-book at Amazon) ** Thank you for POSTING your REVIEWs on Amazon. **

Gigi Langer has been sober for over 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Her 50 Ways to Worry Less Now won an Indie Excellence Award in 2019. Gigi worked at Eastern Michigan University for 25 years, and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat, Easter.

gigi langer worry less now

Are Addictive Habits Wrecking Your Life?

Trust me, if your life isn’t working, your relationships are awful, you grew up in a dysfunctional family, or you have closed your heart to yourself or others, you might be using addictive habits to find relief from your everyday troubles. Read on if you’d like to find a practical, peaceful way of living with the uncomfortable realities and uncertainties of everyday life.

Welcome to my posts about recovering from alcoholism and other substance abuse disorders. This series of blogs describe how you can recover from dependence on alcohol or other harmful habits. I’ve taken these ideas from Chapter 6 in my newest book, Love More Now: Facing Life Challenges with An Open Heart (2023).

I hope you find the examples, guidelines, and stories helpful to your recovery from whatever is eating away at your ability to freely give and receive love. Also see my podcasts about recovery on YouTube and at GigiLanger.com.

Addiction is like a cancer that overpowers  and destroys its host. —Bohunk

I believe that alcoholism and other addictions are the ultimate heart closers. When fear whispers, I can’t stand feeling this way. I must numb myself to get relief, the person has lost the ability to access the True Self’s hope, trust, and peace of mind.

As expressed by many, they are cut off from ā€œthe sunlight of the spirit,ā€ or what we’ve been referring to as Loving Energy or True Self. Such barren loneliness is the hallmark of the disease of addiction.

Some erroneously believe that people choose to be addicted, and therefore, it’s a personal failure: If they only tried harder, they could overcome it. But this is far from the truth. The official medical opinion is that addictions are caused by a genetic predisposition and social factors. Most important, the disease is considered a brain disorder as serious as any neurological or mental illness.

Addictions include the use of alcohol, illegal drugs, food, and prescribed drugs (not just opiates, but any pill that immediately soothes our emotions). Gambling, shopping, and sex can also become addictive. Although the addicted person believes the habit helps them get through life’s challenges, it ends up hurting more than helping. In the U.S. alone, one in five deaths among twenty to forty-nine-year-olds were caused by alcohol consumption.

Sometimes I wonder if addicts aren’t all that different from anybody else, they are better at lying to themselves. —Taylor Jenkins Reid (Daisy Jones and The Six)

What does addiction look like? It’s a chronic, relapsing disorder characterized by the following:

  • Compulsive behavior or compulsively seeking the drug, alcohol, other substances, or behavior.
  • Preoccupation with the substance or behavior.
  • Continued use despite harmful consequences.
  • Gradual escalation until control is lost.
  • Long-lasting changes in the brain.

Please, don’t let denial get in the way. Take a long look in the mirror. You’re the only one who can do something about your problem. If you have two or more of the symptoms listed in this quiz, you probably need to see a doctor or therapist to begin recovering.

  1. There is a desire to cut down on use or  unsuccessful efforts to cut down.
  2. The substance or activity is used in larger amounts, or for a longer period of time than was intended.
  3. The pursuit of the substance or activity  consumes a significant amount of time.
  4. Th ere is a craving—a strong desire—to use  the substance or engage in the activity.
  5. U se of the substance or activity disrupts  obligations at work, school, or home.
  6. Use of the substance or activity continues despite the serious problems it causes.
  7. Participation in important social, work,  or recreational activities drops or stops.
  8. Use occurs in situations where it is  physically risky.
  9. U se continues despite knowing it is the source of escalating physical or psychological problems.
  10. Tolerance occurs, indicated either by a need for a markedly increased amount of the substance to achieve the desired effect or markedly diminished effect of the same amount of substance.
  11. Physiological withdrawal occurs, or a related substance is taken to block the discomfort.

You might ask, Why is this habit of mine a problem? Shouldn’t we all be able to feel better as quickly as possible? Not if we want to grow emotionally. Think of it this way: When we have unpleasant feelings, we have two choices— to numb them or to learn how to grow through them. The only way to awaken to your open-hearted True Self is to choose growth rather than denial.

When you do the work to recover your best self, you’ll have no need to medicate your unwanted feelings away, no matter what is going on in your life.

Unfortunately, in our society, we face the belief that we can’t have fun without alcohol or other drugs. It’s in our faces every minute of every day, right? Partying is the main ā€œfunā€ activity in our culture. Watching sports? Have a beer! Going out with friends? Have a few drinks! Unfortunately, the initial pleasure of a few drinks can accelerate into multiple drinks and drugs with no stopping point until we pass out, get arrested, or ruin our health.

Toward the end of our years of drinking, drugging, gambling, or other habits, we’re often completely isolated, as our closed hearts have separated us from healthy, loving people. If we’re lucky, we get the gift of desperation and begin to seek a new way of living.

Because my experience is with Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), and because of the recent Stanford research study documenting its effectiveness, I focus here on how working the Twelve Steps opens our hearts to our True Selves.

If you’re concerned about the “spiritual” or religious language in the Steps, you may substitute Loving Energy or True Self for AA’s use of higher power or God. But remember, it’s your conception of a power greater than your troubles that will save your life. Don’t let mere terminology stop you.

Stay tuned for my next posts on how the Twelve Steps can work for you.


My newest book, Love More Now: Facing Life’s Challenges with an Open Heart is only $9.99 –available fromĀ Amazon HERE.

Get my award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, for only $6.00 at GigiLanger.com/buy (or get e-book at Amazon)

Thank you for POSTING your REVIEWs on Amazon.

Gigi Langer has been sober 38 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Her 50 Ways to Worry Less Now won an Indie Excellence Award in 2019. Gigi worked at Eastern Michigan University for 25 years, and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat, Easter.

gigi langer worry less now

The Addicted Mind Podcast: BEST EVER INTERVIEW with Gigi!

CLICK HERE to hear Gigi’s episode “From Pain to Pen” on the Addicted Mind Podcast.

  • Gigi Langer’s journey to sobriety
  • Transitioning to writing a book from dark times
  • The journey of recovery and healing
  • Discovery and healing of sexual abuse
  • Personal healing and empowerment journey

WHY LISTEN TO *THIS* INTERVIEW?

Here’s the lovely introduction, written by Duane Osterlind, the creator of the Addicted Mind Podcast.

“Get ready to be moved by the story of our remarkable guest Gigi Langer, as she takes us through her raw and insightful journey to sobriety.

Gigi’s story begins in the Midwest, where her self-worth was initially tied to academic achievements and later, relationships. She opens up about her struggles with alcohol and drugs, the series of consequent failures, how she ended up becoming a functioning alcoholic, and her life-changing decision to quit drinking on January 11th, 1986.

Gigi didn’t just stop at overcoming her addiction, she used her experiences as fuel to help others. She chronicles her transition to becoming an author, describing the initial challenge of finding a sponsor in recovery, learning to be vulnerable and honest, and the crucial role played by her mentor Jane. As you tune in, you’ll get to hear about her remarkable recovery journey and the process that led her to pen her own book.

However, Gigi’s story of courage doesn’t end there. She confronts the sexual abuse she endured as a child, recounting the healing process, the anger, and powerlessness she once felt, and her journey towards personal healing and empowerment. Through therapy, sponsors, and recovery meetings, Gigi was able to reclaim her power and establish healthier relationships.

She provides a beacon of hope for those struggling with similar issues, sharing insights from her two books and her own life. Get ready to be inspired by Gigi’s resilience and wisdom, as you tune into this deeply personal conversation.

TO LISTEN TO THIS ADDICTED MIND PODCAST EPISODE CLICK RIGHT HERE! AND HERE’S THE LINK, IF YOU WISH TO PASS IT ON https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-addicted-mind-podcast/id1268632042

WHO IS DUANE OSTERLIND AND WHY DID HE CREATE THE ADDICTED MIND PODCAST?

On the Addicted Mind Podcast Duane dives into what drives the addictive process, explores the latest research on addiction, and talks about the latest addiction treatment options. Hel also explores what recovery from addiction looks like with a variety of different people.

* If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction then The Addicted Mind Podcast can help.*

Love More Now: Facing Life’s Challenges with an Open Heart is now available from Amazon HERE or Barnes and Noble HERE. PAPERBACK ($9.99) E-BOOK ($4.99) These low prices are temporary, so get your copy now!
Thank you for helping readers find Love More Now by POSTING a REVIEW on Amazon.

Gigi Langer has been sober 37 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Her 50 Ways to Worry Less Now won an Indie Excellence Award in 2019. Gigi worked at Eastern Michigan University for 25 years, and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat, Easter.

gigi langer worry less now

My New Book Cover! and New Podcast!

Many of you know that I have been working on a new book for the last couple of years. I am happy to announce that it is in the production phase with Possum Hill press, to be released in February.
So far, nobody has seen the new cover! YOU ARE THE FIRST. Isn’t it gorgeous! Thanks to Susi Clark of CreativeBlueprintDesign.com. She is great!

Thank you to Jay Lind’s ā€œSobriety Between the Linesā€ Podcast for featuring me last week! We had a fascinating discussion about how our thinking and attiudes can either help or hinder our sobriety. CHECK IT OUT below on Spotify OR on Apple HERE

Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the ā€œQueen of Worry,ā€ Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat, Easter.

gigi langer worry less now
worry less now gigi langer

Gigi’s award-winning book,Ā 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to correct the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools.Ā Amazon: 4.8 starsĀ (Buy Discounted, personally signed Paperback with free Workbook PDF HERE $8.95 free US shipping.)