fear Archives - Page 4 of 11

July 2, 2022July 2, 2022

CELEBRATE INDEPENDENCE FROM YOUR WHISPERED LIES!

worry less now

My friends say our worries & fears come from the not-so-helpful “committee in my head.” I call those negative voices “whispered lies.”

For instance, for too many years I believed “If I want to be liked, I must look good.” This whispered lie made me constantly worried about my appearance and behavior.

WHISPERED LIES: EXAMPLES

• “I’ll never have enough money.”

• “I always sabotage my success.”

• “Relationships just don’t work for me.”

• “We could all be happy if only Dad would stop drinking.”

Although many of our whispered lies concern ourselves, they often focus on our children, spouses, friends, or relatives—for instance, the last example about the father’s drinking. Other distressing beliefs involve institutions, as in “If the government would just change this policy, we’d all be better off.”

Even though it might be true that Dad ought to stop drinking or the government should make changes, these events have no control over your own happiness.

CHANGING WHISPERED LIES TO POSITIVE THINKING
You can find peace of mind under any circumstance because you’re in charge of what you think about.

Most of our worries are fueled by false stories installed into our minds long ago, just waiting for opportunities to be confirmed. Wayne Dyer wrote that everything our brain “knows” is based on past experiences. Therefore, when an event resembles—even in a small way—an old painful one, our mind interprets the new event according to the long-standing negative belief.

Since most whispered lies live largely in our unconscious, we’re often unaware of them.

To illustrate the power of my own “negative committee’s” lies, consider why I failed at romantic love so many times during my twenties and thirties. I wanted to believe that love was possible for me, but my past had taught me the lie “I’m not worthy of love.”

This belief lived so strongly in my mind that, even when a man loved me deeply, I couldn’t believe it was true. After several months, I would become convinced that he wasn’t fulfilling my needs. These worries made me so demanding that I soon snuffed out all the happiness and joy of new love. When it ended, I’d tell myself, “I just don’t deserve love!” Until I got honest and started healing my faulty thinking, I had no hope of enjoying a happy relationship.

READ MY BLOGS FOR TOOLS TO DISSOLVE YOUR WHISPERED LIES

(Actually, any of the blogs or videos aim to help usovercome our negative thinking!)

THIS “NO-WORRIES EXERCISE” WILL DISSOLVE YOUR NEGATIVE BELIEFS

FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS!

THE PUNISHMENT OF PERFECTIONISM

15 Ways to Defeat Overthinking

I’m so grateful for the therapy, recovery, psychological strategies, and spiritual tools that gave me freedom from my false beliefs. As a result I’m a pretty happy camper most days — AND I’ve been happily married for 33 years. So what if it’s my 4th husband??? He’s fabulous!

WHAT ABOUT YOUR OWN WHISPERED LIES?
To learn how to win independence from your own committee’s whispered lies, check out my award-winning book 50 Ways to Worry Less Now. Available through Amazon (5 stars), and personal signed copy for only $8.95 HERE (Free shipping within USA).

Gigi Langer, PhD has 35 years of sobriety and has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and at work. She’s written several books for educators, and is a sought-after speaker and workshop leader. Gigi holds a doctorate in Psychological Studies in Education and an MA in Psychology, both from Stanford.

May 28, 2022May 28, 2022

DOES YOUR ATTITUDE NEED HEALING?

attitude healing worry less now gigi langer

This book about healing my attitude appeared at a low point in my life, and I am so grateful it did! Having moved to Michigan after grad school to marry my 3rd husband, I had no access to my favorite drug, marijuana.

Since my husband travelled for work, I started sneaking out to bars to pick up men and get high. Just in time, my grad school mentor, Jane Stallings, sent me this book: Love is Letting Go of Fear, by the founder of the Center for Attitudinal Healing, Gerald Jampolsky, M.D. Filled with shame, I desperately grabbed onto it and began repeating the ideas, hoping that something could restore me to sanity.

To my astonishment, it did! Within a year, I began therapy, and soon entered recovery. I haven’t had a drink or drug for 37 years; and—miracle of miracles— I’ve been happily married to my 4th husband for 33 years! Doing the work to clean up our own negative attitude is totally worth it!

How Does It Work?

Attitudinal Healing provides support groups for people facing issues such as stress, aging, loneliness, divorce, chronic and life-threatening illness, care-giving of loved ones, bereavement, unemployment, or marriage and parenting problems.

The groups support inner growth, and help members adopt new ways to solve problems and relate to others. By applying the 12 Principles of Attitudinal Healing, one gains new attitudes so they can live in the present moment knowing that, no matter their life circumstances, they can choose to experience either peace or conflict, love or fear.

Principles of Attitudinal Healing

The Principles are not dogma. Spiritual in nature, they are nonsectarian and are offered only as tools for healing one’s attitude. The first Principle is the key: The Essence of Our Being Is Love, as it unites and flows through all the others.

The essence of our being is love.
Health is inner peace. Healing is letting go of fear.
Giving and receiving are the same.
We can let go of the past and of the future.
Now is the only time there is, and each instant is for giving.
We can learn to love ourselves and others by forgiving rather than judging.
We can become love finders rather than fault finders.
We can choose and direct ourselves to be peaceful inside regardless of what is happening outside.
We are students and teachers to each other.
We can focus on the whole of life rather than the fragments.
Since love is eternal, death need not be viewed as fearful.
We can always perceive ourselves and others as either extending love, or fearful and calling for love.

Where Have We See These ideas?

If you’ve you’re familiar with A Course in Miracles, or Twelve-Step programs, you might recognize some common attitudes or beliefs. for example, the importance of giving as a portal to receiving love. The following ideas might also resonate with your experiences.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
Healing and happiness are achieved by letting go of fear.
We grow so we can help others grow.
Letting go of resentments and criticism are keys to happiness.
Peace of mind is merely a choice, independent of external circumstances.
Now is the only moment we have, so we avoid living in the future or past.

In my experience, we come to live these truths through regular spiritual practice with love-based Christianity, Buddhism, or other wisdom traditions. I also attended the Attitudinal Healing Facilitator Training, and gained an even deeper understanding of how to apply the principles to live a worry-free life.

The point is to become a love-based person rather than a fear-based person, to give rather than take, and to care about others rather than criticize them. In short, we learn how to treat others as we wish they would treat us. Pretty simple, aye?

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU! Which of these ideas do you find appealing? Which ones are confusing to you? Just email [email protected] and I will read your thoughts with care & reply.

In my next book (coming out in fall, 2022), I’ll be clarifying many of these ideas and sharing how to apply them to our lives. As writing a new book is such a challenge, I’ll be using many of the ideas stated here to keep a positive attitude. Stay tuned!

Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.

Gigi’s award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to correct the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted, personally signed Paperback with free Workbook PDF HERE)

April 30, 2022April 30, 2022

FIRST LOOK AT MY NEW BOOK, DUE THIS FALL!

You might have heard I’m writing a follow-up to 50 Ways to Worry Less Now. I am so pleased with how it’s coming along, as I’ve completed 4 of the 5 chapters.
* In late May I plan to send it to beta readers for feedback. If you wish to be an advance reader, please email [email protected]. * In the next months, I’ll be sharing short excerpts with you. (Feel free to provide feedback on this snippet on self-limiting patterns.) Thanks for joining the team!

EXCERPT FROM CHAPTER 2: What Patterns Close Our Heart?
If you’re on a growth path, chances are you’ve discovered some patterns that are bumping up against your dreams of happy relationships, success, or health. For many of us, these patterns have to do with control (referred to as “self-centered fear” in Twelve-Step programs).

The Illusion of Control
In our families of origin, it was all about staying safe, so we formed habits that kept us out of the family chaos. Some children become the high achievers. Others take care of everyone else. Still others get lost in the shuffle, hiding in the corners. Some may deflect tension and conflict with humor or distraction.

All these coping strategies rely on the illusion of control as in the whispered lie: If I do this, I will be safe. And, for many of us, these coping strategies worked pretty well in school, work, and play. But they eventually turn out to be deadly, especially to our relationships.

When we run into life challenges that seem to get worse no matter what we do, it may be spirit’s way of saying it’s time relinquish our old patterns. If we’re awake and connected with healthy advisors and friends, we can unlearn the habits that no longer serve us or our loved ones.

Gigi’s Old Patterns
In Stage II Recovery, Earnie Larsen outlines six common patterns that sabotage our happiness because they rely on controlling people, places, and things. When I first read the list, I identified as a perfectionist, workaholic, people pleaser, and tap dancer.
-As a perfectionist, I completed an advanced degree at Stanford, but my whispered lies had me in knots of fear of failing which led to drug abuse and promiscuity.
-As a workaholic, I ignored my family and partner by spending all my time studying or working, thus the failed romantic relationships.
-As a people pleaser, I had no idea how to know or state my needs with my loved ones; I was terrified of conflict and just went along, pretending that everything was fine. No wonder I had three failed marriages.
-My tap dancer pattern had me traveling all over the world, leaving a relationship whenever I got bored, and frequently changing jobs and degree programs. I think the first time I didn’t try to skate past a commitment was with my sobriety.

Inventory: Six Harmful Patterns
Here I list the six patterns with their associated whispered lies. You may immediately relate to some of them. But don’t worry, with help you can change them.

The Caretaker. Caretakers feel responsible for the happiness of others; and they try to rescue people, often to the detriment of their own self-care. “I can’t be happy if everyone else isn’t okay. I can’t let anyone down; I must make things better.”

The Martyr: Martyrs believe life is a struggle and they’re the victim of an unfair world. They don’t believe they deserve fun or pleasure. “Life will never work out for me. I always lose out, no matter what I do. I can’t handle life.”

The Perfectionist. Perfectionists can’t stand making mistakes, have a low tolerance for unpredictability, and are often critical of others’ incompetence. “Everything has to be perfect for me to be okay. I can fix this if I work hard enough. I hate failure.”

The People Pleaser. People pleasers need to keep everyone else happy; so, they put their own needs last. They have trouble saying no, can’t handle conflict, and often feel hurt. They have little confidence in their own opinions. “For me to be safe, everyone must like me. I can’t object to my (friend’s/partner’s) mean words. I can’t say what I think because people will hate me.”

The Workaholic. Workaholics put the completion of tasks ahead of their relationships. They feel guilty when not working and never feel they have accomplished enough. “I must get it all done, or my life will fall apart. I can’t take time for others; there’s just too much to do.”

The Tap Dancer. Tap dancers constantly test the limits, avoid commitment, and often skirt around the truth. They always have an escape plan in case things don’t work out to their liking. “No one can pin me down; escape is my only security. I bet I can get away with this. I never could commit to recovery or therapy.”

Healing Harmful Patterns
If you can identify with any of these patterns, it’s important to recognize that each one has its strengths. For example, once you let go of needing to please everyone, you still have the gracious social skills you cultivated earlier in your life. It’s just a matter of removing the cutting side of the whispered lies with loving practices that open your heart to yourself and others.

The Twelve Steps, combined with therapy and spiritual practices, have healed these patterns in me. These days, I’m rarely caught in this loop of over-control. It is a lovely way to live!

March 3, 2022March 3, 2022

CAN WE GIVE TO OTHERS WHAT WE WANT TO RECEIVE?

What do we want? At the most basic level, we all want to be loved. We want to feel safe, accepted and cared for. Many of us spend our entire lives in a headlong search for these basics, only to fail in our quest. Likely, it’s because we’ve had it backwards: We can only receive for ourselves what we give to others.

If we want loving care for ourselves, then why is it so hard to give it to others? One answer: the fearful self (ego) perceives a limited amount of love in the world, and believes if we give it away, we’ll lose it forever. But the opposite is true: in the world of our spiritual selves, love is unlimited; in fact it only grows when we give it away. But so often we don’t.

Resistance to Love

Have you ever found yourself thinking of calling someone, and then withholding it or putting it off? I do. Often! Love’s voice might sound like this: You should call ____; they could use some support. Then ego closes my heart and whispers, You don’t have time, or They don’t really need your call. The excuses proliferate: You might be disturbing them. Why would they want to talk to you anyway?

What’s up with that? Well, somewhere deep in my shadow, I’m resisting caring for that person, based on something they either did or didn’t do. Or they might remind me of some painful situation, and my fear-filled thoughts get so loud they distract me from taking loving action.

When we give in to such resentments, we unwittingly cut off love for ourselves—the exact thing we’ve been searching for! We just can’t receive what we’re unable to give. (Although, in recovery and spiritual communities, the generous love given to us often melts our resistance.)

Learning to Open Our Hearts

Learning to give and receive love heals the patterns that have sabotaged our past relationships. This journey requires a few commitments: Abstaining from numbing our feelings with romance, food, alcohol, or other mind-altering substances; joining regularly with people who are growing out of self-centered fear and into their open-hearted selves; and finally, doing the work by using many daily tools to replace our negativity with love—for God, ourselves, and everyone else.

For me, the Twelve Steps, therapy, and my Course in Miracles study groups have totally transformed my life. Although I may sometimes resist my heart’s call to give love, I notice this, ask my higher power to reshape my negative thoughts, and move forward with love and care.

Although it’s a joy to live this way, I must admit, I don’t follow my own advice every minute of every day. For example, I’d rather be writing this than reaching out to my sister. I think I’ll call her now! (I just did, and it was a wonderful conversation!)

When we give open-hearted love to others, they can offer it to another, who then opens their heart to another, and so on. It’s a beautiful chain of light that begins when we reject our self-centered fear and choose to love instead.

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU:

HOW DO YOU OPEN YOUR HEART TO OTHERS? WHAT HAS HELPED YOU GIVE AND RECEIVE LOVE?

Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

Tag: fear

CELEBRATE INDEPENDENCE FROM YOUR WHISPERED LIES!

WHISPERED LIES: EXAMPLES

CHANGING WHISPERED LIES TO POSITIVE THINKING
You can find peace of mind under any circumstance because you’re in charge of what you think about.

READ MY BLOGS FOR TOOLS TO DISSOLVE YOUR WHISPERED LIES

WHAT ABOUT YOUR OWN WHISPERED LIES?
To learn how to win independence from your own committee’s whispered lies, check out my award-winning book 50 Ways to Worry Less Now. Available through Amazon (5 stars), and personal signed copy for only $8.95 HERE (Free shipping within USA).

DOES YOUR ATTITUDE NEED HEALING?

How Does It Work?

Principles of Attitudinal Healing

Where Have We See These ideas?

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU! Which of these ideas do you find appealing? Which ones are confusing to you? Just email [email protected] and I will read your thoughts with care & reply.

FIRST LOOK AT MY NEW BOOK, DUE THIS FALL!

CAN WE GIVE TO OTHERS WHAT WE WANT TO RECEIVE?

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Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

WHISPERED LIES: EXAMPLES

CHANGING WHISPERED LIES TO POSITIVE THINKING You can find peace of mind under any circumstance because you’re in charge of what you think about.

READ MY BLOGS FOR TOOLS TO DISSOLVE YOUR WHISPERED LIES

WHAT ABOUT YOUR OWN WHISPERED LIES? To learn how to win independence from your own committee’s whispered lies, check out my award-winning book 50 Ways to Worry Less Now. Available through Amazon (5 stars), and personal signed copy for only $8.95 HERE (Free shipping within USA).

How Does It Work?

Principles of Attitudinal Healing

Where Have We See These ideas?

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU! Which of these ideas do you find appealing? Which ones are confusing to you? Just email [email protected] and I will read your thoughts with care & reply.

Subscribe to Newsletter

about gigi

worry less now

speaking

Subscribe

CHANGING WHISPERED LIES TO POSITIVE THINKING
You can find peace of mind under any circumstance because you’re in charge of what you think about.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR OWN WHISPERED LIES?
To learn how to win independence from your own committee’s whispered lies, check out my award-winning book 50 Ways to Worry Less Now. Available through Amazon (5 stars), and personal signed copy for only $8.95 HERE (Free shipping within USA).