fear Archives - Page 10 of 11

May 28, 2018September 27, 2018

HOW TO OVERCOME YOUR FEARS

Someone emailed me recently wanting to know how to overcome their fears.

Wow! That’s just the kind of question I love–because I’ve spent a lifetime trying to conquer my own fears, and I’ve found many helpful strategies and solutions.

First, you’ll need to get honest about current habits that may be contributing to your fears and negativity. Overindulging in spending, eating, partying, mind-altering substances, or unhealthy relationships causes fear, shame, depression, and negativity. Get help to overcome your energy-draining choices so you can make better ones.

Now that you’re ready to change your reactions to the people and situations around you, know this ONE THING: You can choose whether to be positive & courageous OR negative & afraid. It will take awareness & practice. But you CAN do it.

Both my own experience and scientific research support each of these strategies for overcoming fear, anxiety, and worry.

GRATITUDE. Want what you already have. Appreciate what’s already in your life rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Cultivate gratitude for the simple things (eyesight, shelter, friends, etc.) and stop to appreciate beauty, music, nature. Do this often.

COMPASSION. Avoid judging others. Be a strength-finder rather than a fault-finder. When you judge another negatively, stop yourself and then realize the person may have something going on that you don’t know about. Look beyond their behavior or appearance and focus on the goodness inside of them — in their best self.

SELF-JUDGEMENT. Avoid judging yourself negatively. Instead, cultivate self-compassion. When things are tough, give yourself a break. Don’t beat yourself up for not handling things better. Talk to yourself like you would a dear little sister or brother — with patience & gentleness. That said, don’t linger in self-pity. (For more on this topic, I recommend Kristin Neff’s book & meditations on self-compassion)

KINDNESS. Do something to brighten someone’s day. Smile, ask how they are, listen attentively, or let them go ahead of you in line. When you contribute to someone else’s well-being, you escape your self-centered worry. Try helping out a neighbor or friend. It’s a sure way to lift your spirits (as long as you’re not trying to change them; but that’s a whole different blog!).

INTERPERSONAL DRAMA. Avoid Gossip. Limit or cut off contact with people who drag you down. Hang with positive people who are growing and succeeding in life. Don’t try to overcome your fear alone. When you do have a conflict, do not try to resolve it via text or email; meet face-to-face after you’ve taken a day or two to simmer down.

— USE THESE FEAR-BUSTERS DAILY. Meditate, get enough sleep, walk regularly, and offer as many smiles and acts of kindness to others as you can. Keep up your gratitude practice, and replace critical thoughts with loving ones. Soon, you’ll be amazed by how happy you are!

Take GOOD care of yourself. You’re the only one who CAN.

Gigi Langer holds an MA in Psychology and PhD in Psychological Studies in Education, both from Stanford. She’s also an educator, speaker, and author of 50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking to Find Peace, Clarity, and Connection (February, 2018), available in e-book formats and in print from Amazon.

“Langer’s frank and empathetic tone will comfort readers, as will the practical steps she teaches.” (Featured Book, BookLife by Publishers Weekly) “Her honesty will blow you away! It is beautifully written; filled with humor and authenticity.” (Member of Al Anon)

April 4, 2018November 20, 2018

Why Willpower Just Isn’t Enough

willpower, worry less now — self will run riot

Sheer Willpower Can’t Bring Happiness

How well has trying to control others worked for you? Do you believe you can impose the changes you’d like to see in the world? Perhaps you’ve tried and failed to change even your own behavior.

When you honestly admit your personal willpower can’t fulfill your desires, a wondrous alternative appears. I call it positive power: a source of courage and hope that is greater than your fears, worries, or perceived limitations.

I had my first inkling of a positive power after a meditation teacher suggested that I sit quietly, observe my thoughts, and then ask myself, “Right now, who is watching my thinking?” The question stopped me in my tracks. I wondered, “If I am my thoughts—which I believed up until that point—how could another part of me be observing them?” And, yet, there I was, watching my mind be amazed by this astounding idea. For the first time, I realized there must be some part of me that is greater than my thoughts.

Studies reveal that believers in such a power are happier than those who don’t believe. They can find peace and direction, no matter what’s going on in their lives (Stephanie Castillo, Prevention, May 7, 2013).

How each of us comes to understand this power is highly personal and our business only. Thus, I won’t suggest you worship any particular spiritual entity, religion, dogma, or philosophy. In the exercise below, you’ll define this source in a way that works for you.

Regardless of what you call it, you will come to understand this power more and more. To claim the benefits of positive power, try the tools offered in my blog and book (50 Ways to Worry Less Now).

Time for Action! Name Your Positive Power

1. Take a minute to ponder what kind of power could bring goodness into your life.

2. Read the common names for a source of a positive power below. Pause to notice which ones, if any, feel right for you.

3. Select a few names that work for you. Circle them, write them down, or hold them in your heart.

4. If your past taught you to be fiercely independent, it may take a while to trust this power. But stick with it and you’ll reap the rewards.

Abba	Energy	Inner Guide	Providence
Adonai	God (Good Orderly Direction)	Healer	Ram
Allah	Great Spirit	Jesus /Jehova	Shiva
Angels	Guardian Angel	Light	Sophia (feminine deity)
Being	Healing Energy or Resonance	Mary	Source
Buddha	Higher Power	Nature’s Perfection	Tao
Christ, Holy Spirit	Higher Self	Oneness	True Self
Courage	Holy Father	Perfect Order	Wisdom
Divine Mind	Infinite/Universal Intelligence	Positive Attitudes and Beliefs	Yahweh

To connect with this power, try some of the tools in my other blog posts. Or, write a comment here about some of your own favorite tools.

The Positive Power of Healthy Others

Where two or more are gathered in loving purpose, amazing things happen. Researcher Brené Brown found that people who cope well with hardship, stress, or trauma believe they are “connected to each other by a power greater than all of us.”

Kindness from others who hold no agenda other than goodness is a powerful force for healing. In fact, that’s the way many of us in Twelve-Step programs first felt this benevolent force. The people there had no selfish motives; they saw beyond my shameful past into my true goodness. Their kind regard and wise words showed me a loving power I had never known.

You too can share your life challenges and solutions with positive people. Consider carefully what they say and how they live their lives. I suggest meeting weekly with one or two others who fit the characteristics listed here. Perhaps you could read my book or another that you find inspiring.

As you continue to meet, you’ll likely experience a positive power that will enable you to handle life’s challenges with peace and wisdom.

Gigi Langer holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. She is a seasoned author and popular speaker who has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and work. Gigi hasn’t had a drug or drink for over 30 years, although she does occasionally overindulge in Ghirardelli chocolate and historical novels.

Her new book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now (available here from Amazon & e-book vendors) has gained rave reviews:

“[A] valuable, heartfelt manual.” (Featured Book, BookLife by Publishers Weekly)

“Langer writes from both experience and expertise. A powerful tool for readers.” (Library Journal)

“Highly recommended for anyone who worries too much, lives too hard a life, and searches for a better way.” (Midwest Book Review)

“Gigi Langer’s honesty will blow you away! It is beautifully written; filled with humor and authenticity.” (Member of Al Anon)

February 27, 2018February 27, 2018

To Worry Less Now, Choose Love Over Fear

When I first entered therapy, I saw myself shrunken and powerless in the corner of a dark room filled with scary plastic objects. As time went on, that image changed. It was as if a bright light entered the room and dissolved all those fear-filled dark objects.

I believe that most of our worries, resentments, and pain are merely illusions, or as I call them, “Whispered Lies.” Fear jumps into the driver’s seat of our minds and starts projecting all kinds of problems to be solved. Mark Twain said it this way, “My life is a series of calamities, most of which never happened.”

Just take a moment and observe the content of your thoughts and how they resonate in your body. If you’re anything like me, it quickly becomes clear that we’re scaring the shit out of ourselves. And, just in case we need a little help, there’s always TV and its multitude of disasters (the past, present, and predicted).

It’s no wonder that so many of us live in a constant state of anxiety and tension. The modern term, which I might call a euphemism, is “stress.” This state is so universal, that, if you stopped 20 people on the street, most of them would say they wanted to have less fear and worry in their lives. And, if you really want to be disturbed, read about how stress and worry harm our health.

A Course in Miracles (and many other wisdom traditions) teach us that we can be in only two states of mind: fear or love. When we align ourselves with love, we’re at peace and feel at-one with God (universe, positive power) and with all others. When we’re in fear, however, we close our hearts to others.

Because our bodies are hard-wired to compete for what we see as a limited amount of love, money, and otherworldly goodies, fear is our default setting. But we don’t have to become a victim of our worries and negative thinking. It’s what we do next that matters: Do we seek a different way of seeing our troublesome situations?

It’s a simple choice, but it takes vigilance and practice. Just notice what you’re thinking about and, if it is making you tense, admit that to yourself. Then, gently turn your thoughts to something that gives you joy and peace. It might be a scene of nature, a prayer, or an affirmation. Then keep an eye out for when you revert to the “worry and fear channel.” Again, just notice what you’re thinking about and change it to something more positive or inspiring.

Emmet Fox gives directions for the “Golden Key” here. He wrote that when you consistently turn your thoughts away from fear and toward a source of positive power, whatever was bothering you before will be resolved. Try it, you’ll like it!

Gigi Langer is a former “queen of worry.” She’s also an educator, speaker, and author of 50 Ways to Worry Less Now! Coming out in February 2018, the new book contains 50 powerful tips to defeat negative thinking, find inner peace, and be happy. Gigi has a PhD from Stanford University.

November 12, 2017January 24, 2018

Are You Stuck? Four Strategies to Get Unstuck

For the past few weeks I’ve felt stuck in fear and doubt. I’ve written a new book because I wanted to share the tools that helped me face and grow through life challenges such as addiction, divorce, chronic pain, perfectionism, and co-dependence.

The book goes on sale in February, so it’s time to start promoting it. But I’m rather overwhelmed by the prospect. My mind’s (not-so-helpful) whispered lies chatter away: “It’s too much work! Where do I start? Look how well other authors do it! What’s wrong with me?”

When such worries and negative thinking keep us stuck, how do we move forward? Today, I used four strategies to dissolve my fears and return to my happy, creative, productive self. It’s through struggles like this that I’ve discovered these tools.

1. Get Honest with Yourself. At first, my worries flew under the radar, coaxing me to eat sugary “treats,” binge-watch TV, and oversleep. Fortunately, I no longer use drugs, alcohol, overwork, or sex to avoid my feelings. Those are all dead-ends that stop growth in its tracks.

So, my first step was to honestly admit to myself that my latest challenge had me rattled. Then I could practice self-compassion (http://KristinNeff.com), and clear away the shame. (After all, how many authors really do know how to market a book?).

I gain self-honesty most easily when I can share my struggles with healthy friends. Journaling helps too; when my fears are out on page, they don’t seem insurmountable. Quite often I pray or meditate—both help me feel that I’m not alone and shrink my fears.

2. Claim Positive Power. Here’s the step that many balk at: I admitted that my willpower wasn’t going to change anything. When I let go of my need for control and certainty, I can access a source of power greater than my fears.

My negative thinking told me I must try to figure out the magic formula that would make the book sell. Although it’s true that I do need to learn a lot, I don’t have to motivate myself with such fearful thoughts. My best inspiration and guidance come from a higher, wiser place.

You may be thinking, “Oh, man, here we go with that higher power stuff.” Power and wisdom come from many sources and it’s up to you to find your own. You might use a variety of terms for this power: courage, God, universal truth, providence, true self, angels—it doesn’t matter, as long as proves to be stronger than your fear.

Try reading and listening to words that inspire you. Then, just say to yourself, “Maybe I’ll try trusting a power greater than my fearful thinking.” That’s all that’s necessary.

3. Choose Your Future. Even when I’m stuck, I know what I’d like to have happen. In this case, I wanted the marketing process to get the book into the hands and hearts of the people it will help.

When I was stuck, I didn’t believe this could happen, and I was resentful that it seemed so hard. My mind was so clogged with negativity and fear that little inspiration could enter it.

But I didn’t have to say there. I set aside my worries and stated my goal; then I took actions to stream positive power into my body, mind, and spirit.

4. Use Growth Practices. First, I needed to reinstate my daily practices of reading inspiring writing, talking with supportive friends, meditating, and walking outdoors. I had been lax for the past weeks; that’s why I found myself at the mercy of my fears and doubts.

Your own daily tools for achieving peace might differ, but they will always lower the volume of your worries and whispered lies.

Today I used tapping therapy, a few new chants, and a prayer to dissolve my negativity. As a result, I now trust that the right resources and inspired actions to successfully market my book are on their way. In fact, this article is my first creative action in a while. Whew!

When your own worries and doubts threaten your happiness and productivity, try these four strategies:

Honesty: “Here’s what’s going on inside me.”
Power: “I claim courage and intuitive direction.”
Choices: “This is what I want and I’m going for it!”
Growth Practices: “I’m actively connecting with loving power.”

In my own and others’ experience, these practices yield wonderful results:

Peace of Mind. Manage life’s challenges with calm, wisdom, hope, and gratitude.
Clarity. Fulfill your dreams without limitations.
Enjoy relationships that thrive and serve others.

Gigi Langer, PhD. Based on her work in psychology and personal experience in therapy, recovery, and a variety of spiritual teachings, Gigi is a sought-after speaker, retreat leader, and award-winning writer and professor. She has co-authored five other books for educators.

50 Ways to Worry Less Now will be released in early 2018. Learn more at https://gigilanger.com/new-book-worry-less-now/

Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

Tag: fear

HOW TO OVERCOME YOUR FEARS

Why Willpower Just Isn’t Enough

To Worry Less Now, Choose Love Over Fear

Are You Stuck? Four Strategies to Get Unstuck

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