care Archives - GIGI LANGER

March 3, 2022March 3, 2022

CAN WE GIVE TO OTHERS WHAT WE WANT TO RECEIVE?

What do we want? At the most basic level, we all want to be loved. We want to feel safe, accepted and cared for. Many of us spend our entire lives in a headlong search for these basics, only to fail in our quest. Likely, it’s because we’ve had it backwards: We can only receive for ourselves what we give to others.

If we want loving care for ourselves, then why is it so hard to give it to others? One answer: the fearful self (ego) perceives a limited amount of love in the world, and believes if we give it away, we’ll lose it forever. But the opposite is true: in the world of our spiritual selves, love is unlimited; in fact it only grows when we give it away. But so often we don’t.

Resistance to Love

Have you ever found yourself thinking of calling someone, and then withholding it or putting it off? I do. Often! Love’s voice might sound like this: You should call ____; they could use some support. Then ego closes my heart and whispers, You don’t have time, or They don’t really need your call. The excuses proliferate: You might be disturbing them. Why would they want to talk to you anyway?

What’s up with that? Well, somewhere deep in my shadow, I’m resisting caring for that person, based on something they either did or didn’t do. Or they might remind me of some painful situation, and my fear-filled thoughts get so loud they distract me from taking loving action.

When we give in to such resentments, we unwittingly cut off love for ourselves—the exact thing we’ve been searching for! We just can’t receive what we’re unable to give. (Although, in recovery and spiritual communities, the generous love given to us often melts our resistance.)

Learning to Open Our Hearts

Learning to give and receive love heals the patterns that have sabotaged our past relationships. This journey requires a few commitments: Abstaining from numbing our feelings with romance, food, alcohol, or other mind-altering substances; joining regularly with people who are growing out of self-centered fear and into their open-hearted selves; and finally, doing the work by using many daily tools to replace our negativity with love—for God, ourselves, and everyone else.

For me, the Twelve Steps, therapy, and my Course in Miracles study groups have totally transformed my life. Although I may sometimes resist my heart’s call to give love, I notice this, ask my higher power to reshape my negative thoughts, and move forward with love and care.

Although it’s a joy to live this way, I must admit, I don’t follow my own advice every minute of every day. For example, I’d rather be writing this than reaching out to my sister. I think I’ll call her now! (I just did, and it was a wonderful conversation!)

When we give open-hearted love to others, they can offer it to another, who then opens their heart to another, and so on. It’s a beautiful chain of light that begins when we reject our self-centered fear and choose to love instead.

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU:

HOW DO YOU OPEN YOUR HEART TO OTHERS? WHAT HAS HELPED YOU GIVE AND RECEIVE LOVE?

Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.

Gigi’s award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to correct the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted, personally signed Paperback with free Workbook PDF HERE)

January 2, 2020January 27, 2020

My 2020 Inventory: Don’t Hold Back!

“Searching within myself, I will patiently, trustingly share myself with others.” — Karen Casey (Best-selling Hazelden author)

Back in the 80s, my favorite spiritual author, Karen Casey, wrote “Each Day a New Beginning” for women in recovery, and it has sustained me through these many years. The quote above is particularly relevant as I start this year. I now see clearly (20 20 vision, right?) a major way I’ve been resisting God’s will. Here’s a quick inventory of my tendency to hold back.

Recently, I realized I’ve never memorized the Step 7 prayer exactly as written. Soon after that, a stranger in a 12-step program gave me a card with the prayer on it. So, I started saying it.
I also noticed a creeping opposition to doing things I was called to do. Whispered lies crept into my mind: “Oh, that would be too much work.” “I just don’t feel like doing that.” “Haven’t I done enough?”
By resisting those nudges, I knew I was letting my self-will override God’s direction. So, I put a sticky note in my car: “Thy Will Be Done; Not Mine.” I see it many times a day.
Perhaps it’s been sinking in, because I now offer you my 4^th & 5^th step inventory: My fearful self has always told me to “Hold Back!” Hold back smiles to strangers. Hold back chats with neighbors. Hold back calling others on the phone. Hold back compliments, etc.
When I get the opportunity to do kind acts, I usually talk myself out of it. I tell myself I’m an introvert, or that I’m not good at “small talk,” or that I don’t have time.
But mostly it’s about (1) the false belief, “If I give love away, it might never return; there’s not enough to go around” and (2) fear of getting enmeshed, controlled, hurt, or inconvenienced. (Yup, I grew up in an alcoholic home.)
My 6^th step character defects are self-will (pride) and fear (insecurity). In short, I’ve resisted God’s will to love and serve others; and I haven’t trusted my Higher Power to keep me safe and secure.
I now say the 7^th step prayer: “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go from here, to do your bidding.”

Long ago I learned that God can supply every need, and that my worth and safety are established by my Higher Power. But, being human, I forget. In recovery, we learn that our happiness is dependent upon our spiritual condition. As Karen Casey wrote, “Sincerely touching the soul of someone else can tap the well of happiness within each of us.” That’s my plan for 2020!

Gigi Langer, PhD. Many years ago, I used alcohol, romance, and professional accomplishments to soothe my frayed nerves. Over time, I discovered effective tools from therapy, recovery programs, scientific research, and a variety of philosophical and spiritual teachings. I share those techniques in my blog and book so you can find peace of mind and wisdom, no matter what is bothering you.

My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how I and others have defeated the faulty thinking leading to dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, addiction, and worry about loved ones. Gain practical strategies, personal stories, and guided activities. Amazon: 5 stars (51 reviews) (Buy Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)

REVIEWS: Karen Casey, best-selling author of Each Day a New Beginning (Hazelden) “Even though I have been in recovery for more than 4 decades, and didn’t think another self-help book would make it to my treasured list, I was wrong. This book is a winner.” Anonymous Reader: “Your Book certainly transformed my life! All I can say is, THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES OVER”

November 15, 2019November 15, 2019

HOW TO SUCCEED IN RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships Require Care. Follow these tips to find harmony and happiness.

Balance. Don’t make the other person the most important thing in your life. Have a variety of interests, friends, & passions.

Support. Talk through your concerns & problems with healthy friends or a counselor before sharing it with your loved one. Don’t make him/her your counselor.

Listen. When your loved one shares, don’t interrupt. When they finish, summarize what you heard. Don’t give your own story or suggestions. Instead, help them explore the issue with clarifying questions (“You mentioned _, tell me more about that.”). Ask permission to offer solutions.

Self-Awareness. Be honest about the motivations behind your words and actions. Where are you being controlling or self-centered?

Kindness. Focus on your loved one’s strengths and demonstrate care through your words and actions.

Forgiveness. Wait at least 2 days before discussing a conflict. During the talk (not through text or email), acknowledge your part in the disagreement and listen to their side of the story.

Don’t use substances as a way of avoiding feelings. If you’re drinking or using a lot, your relationships will often fail. Try no more than 2 normal-sized drinks a day; if you can’t stick with that, get help.

Meditation. If you’re moody or prone to anxiety, try the free app, “Insight Timer”. It guides you thru meditations for any situation or emotion.

** Relationships can be difficult; the healthier you are, the better are your relationships. **

Gigi Langer, PhD. Many years ago, I used alcohol, romance, and professional accomplishments to soothe my frayed nerves. When I quit drinking, I was left with only my fears and worries. Over time, I discovered effective tools from therapy, recovery programs, scientific research, and a variety of philosophical and spiritual teachings.

My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how I and others have defeated the faulty thinking leading to dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, addiction, and worry about loved ones. Gain practical strategies with directions, personal stories, and other helpful suggestions. Amazon: 4.8 stars (50 reviews) (Buy Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)

REVIEW by Karen Casey, best-selling author of Each Day a New Beginning (Hazelden) “Even though I have been in recovery for more than 4 decades, and didn’t think another self-help book would make it to my treasured list, I was wrong. This book is a winner.”

February 23, 2019February 23, 2019

AVOID THIS KIND OF “SUPPORT” WHEN YOU’RE HURTING

How many times have you shared a painful experience or emotion with another, and felt completely frustrated with their lack of support? In fact, you left the conversation feeling more alone than ever?

An old saying, “Don’t go to the hardware store for milk,” warns us not to look for understanding from those who are unable to give it.

So, who are the best people to turn to for emotional support? Although many think their lover or spouse should provide all the care they need, it’s an impossible task. Others turn to their family members whose own wounds may block them from providing the care we’re looking for.

These three patterns will help you determine which people in your life are most likely to provide loving support when you’re hurting.

Pattern 1. “Here’s my solution,” rather than “Here’s how to access wise guidance.”

A less helpful friend suggests immediate solutions that attempt to control the situation. Because he’s uneasy with your discomfort, his goal is to fix it right now. Such advice can make the situation worse rather than better.

A helpful friend offers ideas and tools that bring you peace of mind and intuitive guidance. He’ll remind you that a serene state of mind will result in the best actions.

Pattern 2. “It’s all about me,” rather than “It’s all about you.”

A less helpful friend responds by sharing her own troubles. If she’s not able to focus on your concerns, then she may not be truly interested in your well being.

A helpful friend listens, carefully summarizes your thoughts and feelings, and asks questions to understand you. If this friend shares her own story, it’s only offered to give you hope; then she returns the focus to you.

Pattern 3. “Let’s focus on the problem,” rather than “Let’s find a place of peace.”

A less helpful friend wants to hear the lurid details. She commiserates about how terrible your situation is and helps you justify your pain. Such friends end up reinforcing your resentments, fears, and worries.

A helpful friend refuses to escalate your fears by “awfulizing” events. She might suggest that you accept the situation as it is for now, and work toward a peaceful state of mind. Finally, she reassures you that this situation will find resolution in the best way for all, and that it may take time.

The Litmus Test: Consider how you feel after talking to the person. If you feel more agitation than hope, try sharing your vulnerabilities with someone else.

The most helpful people probably won’t come from your family. Your family members may unwittingly reinforce the very same patterns you’re trying to overcome. Give yourself some time to heal before you share deeply with family members.

Choose a confidant who holds no sexual attraction for you. A romantic partner hates to see you suffer, and may try to fix your problem for you. Or, if your partner struggles with security or power, their responses may be damaging rather than helpful.

Gigi Langer holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. She’s a sought-after speaker and retreat leader who has helped thousands improve their lives at work and at home. Order her award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now at Amazon or get 20% off with promo code 20lessnow here.

Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

Tag: care

CAN WE GIVE TO OTHERS WHAT WE WANT TO RECEIVE?

HOW TO SUCCEED IN RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships Require Care. Follow these tips to find harmony and happiness.

AVOID THIS KIND OF “SUPPORT” WHEN YOU’RE HURTING

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