If you haven’t read (or even if you have!) yesterday’s blog post, I thought I’d add this video recording of “Innocent”–it fits so well with the blog theme: “Worthy of Love”
Enjoy!!
If you haven’t read (or even if you have!) yesterday’s blog post, I thought I’d add this video recording of “Innocent”–it fits so well with the blog theme: “Worthy of Love”
Enjoy!!
When I finally got honest about my addictions and began working a recovery program, I discovered the main whispered lie behind my self-destruction: âYou are not lovable.â
Perhaps this single beliefâthat we are not worthy of loveâhaunts every one of us at some point.
My unconscious response to this belief was to try with all my might to show everyone, including myself, that I was worthy of love.
I spent many years inventing a âperfect selfâ by observing and imitating others who seemed to have the attention I so craved.
My therapist called this strategy the zero-sum game: When I observed and judged myself as less than someone else, I gave myself a minus 1. When I saw myself as better than someone else, I gave myself a plus 1. The sum of these two numbers is zero. Nobody wins.
In high school, I compared myself with the popular girls, judged myself as unworthy, and then began to imitate them. When they finally accepted me, I felt superior to the less popular girls (plus 1). When I got a good grade, I was on top of the world (plus 1). But when I received a low grade or criticism, I was devastated (minus 1).
Comparing myself to others set me up for a lifetime of debilitating perfectionism, one of my most painful survival strategies.
One might say I became an egotist with an inferiority complex. I went back and forth between seeing myself as either the scum of the earth or far above others. There was no middle ground.
Why do we try so hard to create this invented self? Those of us who grew up in troubled homes concluded, “If my caregivers don’t give me love, then surely I’m not worthy of it.” To prove them wrong, I set out to convince the world that I was lovable.
The irony is that the âimpostor-selfâ doesnât bring long-term security or contentment. In fact, it plays havoc with relationships, practically guaranteeing their failure. Since I believed my partner loved the person I was pretending to be, I was afraid if he knew who I really was, he’d take one look and run in the opposite direction!
Even more damaging, this illusion kept me from knowing the truth of who IÂ am: a beloved, perfect, child of God / Universe / Spirit.
How do we discover our lovable self? Since I had been abused and had used sex to attract “love,” I felt impure and sinful. Deep down, I thought I wasn’t worthy of love. After years of therapy, recovery, and sexual healing groups, my gifted therapist said to me, âWeâve done everything we can through talk-therapy; now it’s time for energy healing.â
At my first session, the energy practitioner placed her hands on my head as I reclined with my arms and feet crossed. Then she asked me to repeat, âAll parts of me are pure, innocent, and sinless.â After a few minutes, I felt a tingling sensation as I felt layers of negativity and shame being lifted out of my body. At the end of my second session, I left feeling lighter and free of a great weight. I was told to continue saying that affirmation.
Other energy healers have taught me tapping routines, and I use a wide variety of other cognitive and spiritual techniques to replace negative with positive self-talk. Most of those tools appear in my new book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking to Find Peace, Clarity, and Connection.
Today, I know I am worthy of love. You too can come to believe these truths:
Iâll close with a few words from my favorite Taylor Swift song, âInnocent.â Video here. Complete lyrics here.
 âDid some things you can’t speak of; But at night you live it all again; Who you are is not what you did; You’re still an innocent. Every one of us has messed up too. Minds change like the weather; I hope you remember: Today is never too late to be brand new.â
Gigi Langer is a former âQueen of Worry.â Sheâs also an educator, speaker, and author of 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, winner of the 2018 Indie Excellence Award. Learn to defeat negative thinking, find inner peace, attain clarity, and improve relationships–no matter what is going on in your life! Available through Amazon (5 stars), Barnes and Noble, and e-book sites.
Langer holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education and an MA in Psychology, both from Stanford. As Georgea M. Langer, she’s published several books for teachers and school administrators.
To Gain Peace of Mind, Detach!
I often hear a negative tone on my TV screen and news sites. So many of the experts–regardless of their point of view–sound sarcastic, judgmental, and convinced they are absolutely 100% right.
Sadly, what we see in the media too often presses the fear button in our psyches. If spiritual principles hold true, this is dangerous business.
Hatred and condemnation multiply fear and draw us away from peace of mind (love).
I’m not suggesting that we bury our heads in the sand. I read a variety of news articles so I can be informed. I also write to my local and national representatives and, of course I vote. But I refrain from judging and worrying.
Itâs all too easy to let the daily onslaught of news convince us that we are at the mercy of the worldâs conflicts. The truth is, our essence is spiritual, untouched by todayâs fear-filled scenarios.
That’s why I am so drawn to this phrase:Â “The best attitude to cultivate is gentle indifference.â (July 30th reading in Daily Meditations for Practicing The Course by Karen Casey).
Another word for “gentle indifference” might be “detachment”—a standing apart without getting caught up in the drama; but still acting from a place of peace and integrity.
Here’s how I try to detach and gain peace of mind, so I can contribute to our society’s future in the best way possible:
How do you remain centered and positively productive during turbulent times?  Please share in the Comments section below.Â
Gigi Langer is a former âQueen of Worry.â Sheâs also an educator, speaker, and author of 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, winner of the 2018 Indie Excellence Award. Learn to defeat negative thinking, find inner peace, attain clarity, and improve relationships–no matter what is going on in your life! Available through Amazon (5 stars), Barnes and Noble, and e-book sites.
Langer holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education and an MA in Psychology, both from Stanford. As Georgea M. Langer, she’s published several books for teachers and school administrators.
My friends say our worries & fears come from the not-so-helpful âcommittee in my head.â I call those negative voices âwhispered lies.â
For instance, for too many years I believed âIf I want to be liked, I must look good.â This whispered lie made me constantly worried about my appearance and behavior.
A few more examples include:
⢠âIâll never have enough money.â
⢠âI always sabotage my success.â
⢠âRelationships just donât work for me.â
⢠âWe could all be happy if only Dad would stop drinking.â
Although many of our whispered lies concern ourselves, they often focus on our children, spouses, friends, or relativesâfor instance, the last example about the fatherâs drinking. Other distressing beliefs involve institutions, as in âIf the government would just change this policy, weâd all be better off.â
Even though it might be true that Dad ought to stop drinking or the government should make changes, these events have no control over your own happiness.
You can find peace of mind under any circumstance because youâre in charge of what you think about.
Most of our worries are fueled by false stories installed into our minds long ago, just waiting for opportunities to be confirmed. Wayne Dyer wrote that everything our brain âknowsâ is based on past experiences. Therefore, when an event resemblesâeven in a small wayâan old painful one, our mind interprets the new event according to the long-standing negative belief.
Since most whispered lies live largely in our unconscious, weâre often unaware of them.
To illustrate the power of my own ânegative committeeâsâ lies, consider why I failed at romantic love so many times during my twenties and thirties. I wanted to believe that love was possible for me, but my past had taught me the lie âIâm not worthy of love.â
This belief lived so strongly in my mind that, even when a man loved me deeply, I couldnât believe it was true. After several months, I would become convinced that he wasnât fulfilling my needs. These worries made me so demanding that I soon snuffed out all the happiness and joy of new love. When it ended, Iâd tell myself, âI just donât deserve love!â Until I got honest and started healing my faulty thinking, I had no hope of enjoying a happy relationship.
Iâm so grateful for the therapy, recovery, psychological strategies, and spiritual tools that gave me freedom from my false beliefs. As a result Iâm a pretty happy camper most days â AND Iâve been happily married for 29 years. So what if itâs my 4th husband??? Heâs fabulous!
To learn how to win independence from your own committeeâs whispered lies, check out my award-winning book 50 Ways to Worry Less Now. Available through Amazon (5 stars), Barnes and Noble, and ebook formats.
Gigi Langer, PhD has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and at work. She’s written several books for educators, and is a sought-after speaker and workshop leader. Gigi holds a doctorate in Psychological Studies in Education and an MA in Psychology, both from Stanford.