LISTEN to THE RECOVERY SHOW PODCAST as Spencer and I share WHAT TO DO when your spouse, partner, or child is making a mess of their lives (and yours!). We’ve both been there, and at first, living with an alcoholic scared the @#% out of us!
You may remember that my dear (4th) husband, Peter, started drinking again after 20 years of sober marriage. I had met him at an AA meeting, and had never–ever–seen him drink. Then suddenly I had to watch it—and figure out how to handle it. Here’s how we did it. And, you can do it too.
CLICKHERETO learn how to find sanity as you watch a loved one crash and burn as an alcoholic or addict. Gain many tips and ideas for your own recovery.
A BIG THANK YOU to Spencer for the Recovery Show podcast–“A 12-step recovery for those of us who love alcoholics or addicts. We share our experience, strength, and hope as we use the principles of the Al-Anon program in our lives. We talk openly and honestly about the problems and challenges as we face alcoholism and addiction in our friends and relatives. We share the tools and solutions we have found that let us live a life that is serene, happy, and free, even when the alcoholic or addict is still drinking or using.”
Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Easter.
CLICK ON EITHER OF THESE LINKS TO ACCESS MY FASCINATING RECOVERY NUGGET WITH DAVID CLEMEN (the picture is not a live link) And a big thank you to David for sharing his story and insights!
Recovery Nuggets is a podcast where David Clemen shares his experiences in long term recovery with stories, guests, as well as tips and plenty of Recovery Nuggets to chew on.
Here’s David’s introduction to our podcast episode:
“Would you like to learn how to overcome your stress, anxiety, and negative patterns? My goal is to help you become calm and wise, even during your most troubling times. Rather than responding out of impatience, fear, judging, gossip, or self-sabotage, you’ll learn to connect with your own center of loving power so you can enjoy fulfilling relationships, creativity, vibrant health, and success.” www.gigilanger.com
CLICK ON EITHER OF THESE LINKS TO ACCESS OUR FASCINATING RECOVERY CONVERSATION
STAY TUNED FOR MY NEW BOOK, COMING THIS FALL! Love More Now, Reflections on Open-Hearted Living
Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Easter.
My friends say our worries & fears come from the not-so-helpful “committee in my head.” I call those negative voices “whispered lies.”
For instance, for too many years I believed “If I want to be liked, I must look good.” This whispered lie made me constantly worried about my appearance and behavior.
WHISPERED LIES: EXAMPLES
• “I’ll never have enough money.”
• “I always sabotage my success.”
• “Relationships just don’t work for me.”
• “We could all be happy if only Dad would stop drinking.”
Although many of our whispered lies concern ourselves, they often focus on our children, spouses, friends, or relatives—for instance, the last example about the father’s drinking. Other distressing beliefs involve institutions, as in “If the government would just change this policy, we’d all be better off.”
Even though it might be true that Dad ought to stop drinking or the government should make changes, these events have no control over your own happiness.
CHANGING WHISPERED LIES TO POSITIVE THINKING
You can find peace of mind under any circumstance because you’re in charge of what you think about.
Most of our worries are fueled by false stories installed into our minds long ago, just waiting for opportunities to be confirmed. Wayne Dyer wrote that everything our brain “knows” is based on past experiences. Therefore, when an event resembles—even in a small way—an old painful one, our mind interprets the new event according to the long-standing negative belief.
Since most whispered lies live largely in our unconscious, we’re often unaware of them.
To illustrate the power of my own “negative committee’s” lies, consider why I failed at romantic love so many times during my twenties and thirties. I wanted to believe that love was possible for me, but my past had taught me the lie “I’m not worthy of love.”
This belief lived so strongly in my mind that, even when a man loved me deeply, I couldn’t believe it was true. After several months, I would become convinced that he wasn’t fulfilling my needs. These worries made me so demanding that I soon snuffed out all the happiness and joy of new love. When it ended, I’d tell myself, “I just don’t deserve love!” Until I got honest and started healing my faulty thinking, I had no hope of enjoying a happy relationship.
READ MY BLOGS FOR TOOLS TO DISSOLVE YOUR WHISPERED LIES
(Actually, any of the blogs or videos aim to help usovercome our negative thinking!)
I’m so grateful for the therapy, recovery, psychological strategies, and spiritual tools that gave me freedom from my false beliefs. As a result I’m a pretty happy camper most days — AND I’ve been happily married for 33 years. So what if it’s my 4th husband??? He’s fabulous!
WHAT ABOUT YOUR OWN WHISPERED LIES? To learn how to win independence from your own committee’s whispered lies, check out my award-winning book 50 Ways to Worry Less Now. Available through Amazon (5 stars), and personal signed copy for only $8.95 HERE (Free shipping within USA).
Gigi Langer, PhD has 35 years of sobriety and has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and at work. She’s written several books for educators, and is a sought-after speaker and workshop leader. Gigi holds a doctorate in Psychological Studies in Education and an MA in Psychology, both from Stanford.
Let’s consider the idea of acceptance. How well has trying to control things worked for you? Do you believe you can change your loved ones? Or the fix world?
You might be suffering with incessant regrets about the past, wishing you could change or fix it. Even worse, are you living in the wreckage of your future, constantly imagining how to avoid things like illness, poverty or loneliness?
All these pitfalls involve non-acceptance: the refusal to acknowledge how little control we have over other people, places, or things. In non-acceptance, we resist reality by immersing ourselves in fantasies, addictions, and other habits that shield us from the facts. This constant negative thinking keeps us in a loop of misery when our expectations aren’t met.
Acceptance
The only solution is acceptance: honestly admitting our own personal lack of power. As stated in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Fourth Edition, page 417,
“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. . . . Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.”
An Example of Acceptance
Recently, my friend, Kayla, described her awakening to acceptance as “being hit by a pile of bricks.” Kayla had spent most of her adult years in a horrible, abusive relationship that was finally ending. She was struggling with codependency and began attending Twelve-Step meetings. Recently she began to work with a sponsor on Step One, admitting that a) we are powerless over the addiction of codependency, and that b) our lives have become unmanageable.
Reading about Step One and pondering the questions in her study guide, Kayla quickly came to see the truth: Her relationship was really over now, and her efforts to guarantee her happiness had failed. But it was not a happy insight; in fact, she had a few days of depression. Then she arose from her bed, free of the false illusions that had kept her trapped.
In short, with great courage, she threw in the towel and surrendered the fight. She was then ready to proceed to a new way of life with healthy others and a power greater than her codependence.
My Favorite Ways of Avoiding Acceptance
We all struggle with denial and non-acceptance from time to time. It helps to know the signs, so I can notice my shitty attitude and choose instead to accept life on life’s terms. Here are a few of my favorite avoidance strategies. My book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, offers many tools to come to acceptance and move on with our healing.
1. Trying to Figure It Out: “Why?” Is Not a Spiritual Question
Often my first defense against something I don’t like is to try to figure it out. For example, I try to analyze what I did, or what I should have done about the situation, with the (unrealistic) goal that I can change the past or manipulate the future. This is playing God, thinking that I should know why everything happens–totally impossible!
2. Judging and Resisting Things as They Are
Non-acceptance whispers to me that I know exactly how things should turn out, because other people are screwing up. If only they would listen to me, everything would be okay! Worse, my resistance tells me I can’t be happy unless I see this specific result. A sure dead-end.
3. Isolating in Denial
It’s only too easy to remain isolated without the care and guidance of healthy, honest friends. All alone, I can stay in denial, using my favorite ways of feelings-avoidance: food, TV, sex, or substances. When I open up honestly to another, I can find help to accept the truth and move on–hopefully with a structured program that builds in me a new way of living.
What’s Your Experience with Acceptance?
Acceptance boils down to a humble admission that our thoughts and actions–especially those based on the desire to control–don’t always lead to the best results. It’s trusting that a power wiser than our own fearful mind might lead us to the best outcomes. We can then approach life without fighting it, judging it, or needing to control it.
This step leaves us ready to find the solutions we’ve been seeking through a power greater than ourselves–the purpose of the remaining Twelve Steps.
Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.
