Blog

In early recovery, this is probably the case. As we hear old timers say, “Don’t drink, don’t think, and go to meetings.” But we need not mistrust our thoughts forever.

Here’s the beauty of the Twelve Steps: They transform not only our behavior, but also our thinking.

Rebelling against “Good Girl” Thinking

When I was young, I decided that most of my thoughts were based on the “establishment;” and therefore, I should do the opposite. In essence, I had to choose between being a “conformist, nice girl” or a “free, but naughty girl.” Guess which one won the battle?

After many years of living with the disappointments of my naughty lifestyle, I finally got sober and started to work the steps. But, I was still confused about which voice to listen to.

Was a strong desire to do something coming from God or from my self-centered fear? 

How to Listen for God’s Thoughts

For the first time, I started questioning the motives behind my thoughts and actions. For example, after six months of sobriety, I had a strong urge to leave my marriage. But, after being told not to act on my urges, I consulted extensively with my sponsor, stayed in couples therapy, and continued working my program. I also developed healthy friendships with sober women and learned how to have fun without a man or booze.

In short, I took another six months to sense God’s will.

Eventually, instead of an urgent need to run, a calm quiet voice asked, “Do you really want to live the rest of your life with this man?” My considered answer was, “No.” So, I did leave, and a few years later I married the man of my dreams. Peter and I have now been together for 31 years. Amazing for a girl with such a horrible track record!

God’s Mind Can Be Our Mind

A Course in Miracles says that we can join our thoughts with God’s thoughts when we get quiet and sincerely ask to see beyond our fearful thinking. As we enter the stillness, we come to know the peace of God.

The more we grow spiritually, the more closely we align our thoughts with God’s. And, more and more often, “we know intuitively how to handle situations that used to baffle us.”

So, YES, our thoughts CAN be trusted, but only when we’re spiritually fit, sober, and consult with a trusted advisor to distinguish God’s voice from the ego’s voice.

I Still Need to Check My Thinking!

Even after all these years, I still need to be careful about acting on what my mind tells me–especially when my thoughts are emotionally charged. I don’t try to “go it alone” with my first ideas. Instead, I check in with my sponsor and my higher power through prayer, journaling, meetings, and meditation. I also use several tools to overcome the negative thoughts blocking my connection with God.

Only after receiving clarity and peace do I decide to act. Surprisingly, quite often, no action is required because it was my mind that needed changing. And my God does that for me (when I ask!).

— A QUESTION FOR YOU: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHICH VOICE IS GUIDING YOU? —

* If you wish, when you see the word “God,” please substitute your own word for your Higher Power. For more on various ways to think about this, see THIS POST

This whispered lie (“If they did love me, they would (or wouldn’t) be doing this, saying this, etc.”) sets us up for failed relationships, addiction, codependency, and lots of “not enough” suffering. But, if we’re lucky, we embark on a quest to heal such “unenforceable rules.”

We come to realize we have no control over how others treat us (especially our loved ones). As we let go of the selfish need to have things “our way,” we learn to turn to the only reliable source of love: God, Higher Power, and the healthy people who stream that divine love into us.

An Example of Healing “He/She Doesn’t Love Me”

Quite often, our families of origin couldn’t give us the love and acceptance we so desperately sought. So we launched on a lifelong search, “looking for love in all the wrong places,” or “going to the hardware store expecting to buy milk.” And our many disappointments only reinforced our false belief that “I’m just not worthy of love.”

Years ago, one of my sponsees was working on Steps 4-6 and discovered that she had set herself up for a life of victimhood by believing the whispered lie, ‘Noone loves me (in the way I want).”

At the same time, she was taking a course that asked her to request from her loved ones a list of her positive attributes. As she read her mother’s list, it felt “like a stab in the gut” because it referred to her relapses, and implied she was better at loving her pets than her family. When my sponsee asked for feedback, here’s what I wrote:

My Worth Is Established by God

Early on in the process of healing my low self-esteem and distrust of love, I learned to say this “mantra” over and over again. It really helps me, even today! “Only God establishes my worth.”

We can take this to the bank, because we will receive this love not only from God, but through the people He/She picks. Quite often these are not family members or others your self-centered ego tells you “should” love you. They’re the perfect people, and I’m so happy to be one of lucky ones God selected to love my sponsee and all of you! 💕