Thanks to our dear friend, Josh Guiles, for cleaning up this video of my talk on changing negative thinking. Check out his cool video work here: www.JoshuaGuiles.com or FB J Guiles Creative
PS: If you want to learn more, order my new book, “50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking to Find Peace, Clarity, and Connection” here.
HOW TO OVERCOME YOUR FEARS
Someone emailed me recently wanting to know how to overcome their fears.
Wow! That’s just the kind of question I love–because I’ve spent a lifetime trying to conquer my own fears, and I’ve found many helpful strategies and solutions.
First, you’ll need to get honest about current habits that may be contributing to your fears and negativity. Overindulging in spending, eating, partying, mind-altering substances, or unhealthy relationships causes fear, shame, depression, and negativity. Get help to overcome your energy-draining choices so you can make better ones.
Now that you’re ready to change your reactions to the people and situations around you, know this ONE THING: You can choose whether to be positive & courageous OR negative & afraid. It will take awareness & practice. But you CAN do it.
Both my own experience and scientific research support each of these strategies for overcoming fear, anxiety, and worry.
GRATITUDE. Want what you already have. Appreciate what’s already in your life rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Cultivate gratitude for the simple things (eyesight, shelter, friends, etc.) and stop to appreciate beauty, music, nature. Do this often.
COMPASSION. Avoid judging others. Be a strength-finder rather than a fault-finder. When you judge another negatively, stop yourself and then realize the person may have something going on that you don’t know about. Look beyond their behavior or appearance and focus on the goodness inside of them — in their best self.
SELF-JUDGEMENT. Avoid judging yourself negatively. Instead, cultivate self-
KINDNESS. Do something to brighten someone’s day. Smile, ask how they are, listen attentively, or let them go ahead of you in line. When you contribute to someone else’s well-being, you escape your self-centered worry. Try helping out a neighbor or friend. It’s a sure way to lift your spirits (as long as you’re not trying to change them; but that’s a whole different blog!).
INTERPERSONAL DRAMA. Avoid Gossip. Limit or cut off contact with people who drag you down. Hang with positive people who are growing and succeeding in life. Don’t try to overcome your fear alone. When you do have a conflict, do not try to resolve it via text or email; meet face-to-face after you’ve taken a day or two to simmer down.
— USE THESE FEAR-BUSTERS DAILY. Meditate, get enough sleep, walk regularly, and offer as many smiles and acts of kindness to others as you can. Keep up your gratitude practice, and replace critical thoughts with loving ones. Soon, you’ll be amazed by how happy you are!
Take GOOD care of yourself. You’re the only one who CAN.
Gigi Langer holds an MA in Psychology and PhD in Psychological Studies in Education, both from Stanford. She’s also an educator, speaker, and author of 50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking to Find Peace, Clarity, and Connection (February, 2018), available in e-book formats and in print from Amazon.
“Langer’s frank and empathetic tone will comfort readers, as will the practical steps she teaches.” (Featured Book, BookLife by Publishers Weekly) “Her honesty will blow you away! It is beautifully written; filled with humor and authenticity.” (Member of Al Anon)
Two Ways to Stop Stress & Worry
April is Stress Awareness Month
Stress happens. But it doesn’t have to last. Here are two of my favorite tools for overcoming worry and negative thinking.
Loving-Kindness Practice
The loving-kindness practice Buddhists call metta calms your mind, opens your heart to goodness and love, and helps you know the positive power within your true self. The practice also asks for the healing of your fears, worries, and negative thinking so you can serve others’ growth.
1. Read the words aloud, pause, and then read them again.
May I be at peace. May my heart remain open.
May I awaken to the light of my own true nature.
May I be healed. May I be a source of healing for all beings.
2. With one or more of your loved ones in mind, say the prayer again changing I to you: May you be at peace. May your heart….
3. Next, change you to we: May we be at peace….
4. Now use the May you version of the prayer for a person you feel is causing you worry, frustration, or pain.
5. Whenever you have a negative thought about anything, repeat the phrases of loving-kindness and notice how you begin to respond differently.
The Activity of God, by Sig Paulson, Daily Word (Unity)
I repeat this affirmation whenever I feel trapped by worry or stress. It reminds me my negative thoughts are making my problems appear bigger than they are; and these appearances are just that, figments of my overactive imagination. It shrinks my fears by reminding me of who I truly am: an individual expression of positive loving power.
The activity of God is the only power
At work in my mind, heart, and life.
All false beliefs, all negative appearances
Are dissolved right now
By the loving, forgiving action of God.
I am whole, strong, and free
As God created me to be.
First, you assert your positive power is supreme, that it’s bigger than your past wounds, stronger than your worries and fears, and it’s wiser than your intellect. This benevolent power is the only one you want to influence your life.
In the second section, you claim your loving power dissolves your negative beliefs and fearful imaginings. (I love the image of dissolving; I see it as washing out, softening, and reducing the sludge-like fears and worries of my mind.)
In this same sentence, you encounter the words, forgiving action of God. This forgiveness doesn’t refer to sin or any other dogma. It simply means releasing the negative thoughts and actions that separate you from others.
You claim the truth of who you are in the last sentence; not the person you may present to the world, but your true self, endowed with positive power, whole, strong and free.
Gigi Langer is a former “queen of worry.” She’s also an educator, speaker, and author of 50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking to Find Peace, Clarity, and Connection, published in February, 2018. “Langer’s frank and empathetic tone will comfort readers, as will the practical steps she teaches.” (Featured Book, BookLife by Publishers Weekly)
To Worry Less Now, Choose Love Over Fear
When I first entered therapy, I saw myself shrunken and powerless in the corner of a dark room filled with scary plastic objects. As time went on, that image changed. It was as if a bright light entered the room and dissolved all those fear-filled dark objects.
I believe that most of our worries, resentments, and pain are merely illusions, or as I call them, “Whispered Lies.” Fear jumps into the driver’s seat of our minds and starts projecting all kinds of problems to be solved. Mark Twain said it this way, “My life is a series of calamities, most of which never happened.”
Just take a moment and observe the content of your thoughts and how they resonate in your body. If you’re anything like me, it quickly becomes clear that we’re scaring the shit out of ourselves. And, just in case we need a little help, there’s always TV and its multitude of disasters (the past, present, and predicted).
It’s no wonder that so many of us live in a constant state of anxiety and tension. The modern term, which I might call a euphemism, is “stress.” This state is so universal, that, if you stopped 20 people on the street, most of them would say they wanted to have less fear and worry in their lives. And, if you really want to be disturbed, read about how stress and worry harm our health.
A Course in Miracles (and many other wisdom traditions) teach us that we can be in only two states of mind: fear or love. When we align ourselves with love, we’re at peace and feel at-one with God (universe, positive power) and with all others. When we’re in fear, however, we close our hearts to others.
Because our bodies are hard-wired to compete for what we see as a limited amount of love, money, and otherworldly goodies, fear is our default setting. But we don’t have to become a victim of our worries and negative thinking. It’s what we do next that matters: Do we seek a different way of seeing our troublesome situations?
It’s a simple choice, but it takes vigilance and practice. Just notice what you’re thinking about and, if it is making you tense, admit that to yourself. Then, gently turn your thoughts to something that gives you joy and peace. It might be a scene of nature, a prayer, or an affirmation. Then keep an eye out for when you revert to the “worry and fear channel.” Again, just notice what you’re thinking about and change it to something more positive or inspiring.
Emmet Fox gives directions for the “Golden Key” here. He wrote that when you consistently turn your thoughts away from fear and toward a source of positive power, whatever was bothering you before will be resolved. Try it, you’ll like it!
Gigi Langer is a former “queen of worry.” She’s also an educator, speaker, and author of 50 Ways to Worry Less Now! Coming out in February 2018, the new book contains 50 powerful tips to defeat negative thinking, find inner peace, and be happy. Gigi has a PhD from Stanford University.