relationships Archives - Page 2 of 5

November 6, 2020November 11, 2020

DO YOU HAVE A “FAKE ID?” I SURE DID!

“You’ll be fine after you give up your fake ID.”

I just heard this at a 12-Step meeting and I love it! Many of us have a “fake ID” that we’ve constructed over our lifetime, and often it’s based on a sense of victimhood, fear, selfishness, and resentment. Sadly, these patterns block our true selves.

Cloaking ourselves in our “invented” identity gives us the illusion of security; but pretending to be what others want us to be can never bring us peace or happiness.

If we want to wake up and function as a happy, loving force in the world, we’ll have to drop the activities that cut us off from our best selves. In my case, the divorces, drinking, and drugs had completely covered up my true self with shame and self-loathing. I had no idea that a “Good Gigi” was inside me.

Building Our Fake ID

Why did I try so hard to create this fake ID? For those of us who grew up in troubled homes, it was a much-needed survival strategy. To give myself a sense of security, I watched people who seemed happy and successful, and then I imitated them.

The irony is that this “invented self” does not bring long-term security or contentment. In fact, it plays havoc with most relationships, practically guaranteeing their failure. When you believe the only reason you are liked is because of who you are pretending to be, you fall prey to the whispered lie, “If they knew who I really am, they’d take one look and run in the opposite direction!”

Even more damaging, your fake ID keeps you from knowing who you really are; therefore, you can’t share with another what you truly feel or need. Without emotional honesty, your relationships founder on the shoals of boredom, frustration, or dysfunction.

Finally, it’s your fake self that spews fear, self-deception, and resentment into your mind. The chaos can seem so loud and confusing that it’s almost impossible to hear anything else. If you’re lucky, you’ll wonder, “There must be another way to live!”

Discovering Your True ID

First, please know that deep inside you is a being of light and goodness. I’m sure you’ve felt glimmers of it, for example, when you’re in the flow of creative activity, or gazing at a peaceful scene in nature. As you learn to relinquish your fake ID into the hands of this higher self, your joy will follow.

When I got clean and sober, the women I met in 12-step meetings could see the light of goodness in me and responded to that, rather than to my emotional pain. Through my sponsor, therapy, spiritual practices, energy work, and cognitive reprogramming, I eventually discovered my true self, and today I live from that place most of the time–but not always!

In my opinion, one of the best ways reject your fake ID and connect with your true self is to notice your disturbing thoughts, and then redirect them to a state of quiet. There you will connect with your own personal source of peace, clarity, and loving connection. I use guided meditations to learn how to put my thinking into the background so I can “hear” my higher mind.

Often such insights appear as little intuitive nudges, sometimes when I’m not even meditating. In a mysterious, magical way, stilling our minds creates a space for wisdom to enter our lives. It’s a fun, secure, and fascinating journey!

The Gift That Keeps Giving: Your True Self

My true self has brought me a happy 31-year marriage to Peter (my fourth husband!), a successful career, and the tools to live through multiple crises of life here on earth: substance abuse, codependency, worry about alcoholics, death of loved ones, chronic pain, and workaholism, among others.

My true self also led me to write 50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking to Find Peace, Clarity, and Connection, a feat I never anticipated! But my inner voice kept tapping me on the shoulder saying, “You really ought to share what you’ve learned with others!” So, I did, and it’s connected me with hundreds of lovely, like-minded people (like you!) through social media, podcast appearances, and book sales.

Reject Your Fake ID to Express Your Best Self

How will you begin to challenge your own fake ID to liberate the voice and guidance of your true self? Do you need to quit some bad habits that numb your spirit and cause bad things to happen? Might you seek help from a therapist? Perhaps you can join a group of people who’ve overcome problems like yours.

Or, you might take a course to learn to meditate (I recommend “Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction” developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn and colleagues at University of Massachusetts Medical Center). Finally, I’ve found great help from the free phone meditation apps, Insight Timer, Calm, and others.

I wish for you that you awaken to your true self’s clarity of purpose, peace of mind, joy, and fulfilling relationships.

With SO much LOVE from me to you! Gigi

PS: My award-winning book outlines many more ways to find calm, wisdom and connection, no matter what’s going on in your life.

In Worry Less Now, Gigi shares her personal journey as a prisoner of fear, worry, and substance abuse, along with practical techniques anyone can use. Award-winner with rave reviews. Amazon rating: 4.8 stars.

Get special offers on the paperback, e-book, and audiobook HERE.

Gigi Langer has been sober 34 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Michigan with her husband, Peter and her cat, Murphy.

September 6, 2020September 6, 2020

WHY STOP USING ALCOHOL?

LOVE LETTER TO SOBER CURIOUS WORRY LESS NOW GIGI LANGER

By the time I was 36, I lived in a self-created jail of fear and worry. I was more miserable than I’d ever been. Little did I know that I suffered from a subtle case of un-diagnosed alcoholism.

The First Crack in My Denial

Of course I was in denial; aren’t we all until we’re forced to face the problem?

But denial, when held onto for too long, can keep us from facing up to and taking responsibility for our problems.

Jane Stallings, my mentor and employer in grad school, was the first to break through my denial. At the time, I was living with John, one of several men I had either married or lived with during the past 15 years. We met almost every night at a bar, drink a few beers, and then went home, got high, and made love to the sounds of Mozart or Sibelius.

This seemed like normal behavior to me, but not to Jane. She would often phone me in the evening about some work detail and find me less than coherent. She had also witnessed my bawdy behavior as John and I drank heavily at one of her dinner parties.

A few weeks after that party, Jane gently said, “You are such a talented woman and yet there’s a piece in there that’s just . . . I don’t know, just not quite . . . ” I can’t recall her next words, but here’s what I heard: “There’s a part of you that’s broken, and it shows.”

Jane’s comment that day pierced my illusion that attracting men, earning good grades, and being well liked were hiding my problems. But I wasn’t yet ready to give up the fight.

Not Ready Yet

Later, Jane introduced me to Don, who would become my third husband. We fell in love quickly, and I moved to his home in Michigan to complete my dissertation. From the very beginning, I tried to act exactly how I felt he wanted me to–no over-drinking or pot.

After a year of living in this emotional pressure cooker, I’d had enough. I walked into my favorite tavern and chose a seat. Shafts of sunlight pierced the blinds the same way they had at my regular bar at Stanford. When a couple of guys in business suits sat near me, our small talk soon escalated into flirtation.

I called home and told Don I was out with some of my students. Then I left with the guy I’d picked up. We went to buy cocaine, drove to his home, and had sex. Only through good fortune did I make it home safely at 2:00 a.m. I told my husband more lies the next morning to cover up my misadventures.

The Final Straw

At that point, I admitted that something was seriously wrong, and sought therapy. When the counselor said I was in the early stages of alcoholism, I foolishly thought with relief, “That’s not too bad.” He then suggested I have two drinks_,no more and no less_,each day, and take note of my behavior.

After a few months, I realized that sometimes I could stop after two drinks; but on other occasions, I would continue drinking, find drugs or go home with a stranger, and cover up my actions with lies.

When I honestly admitted that after just one drink or drug, I couldn’t predict what I would do, I accepted that I needed to stop drinking.

I walked into my first Twelve-Step meeting one month before my thirty-eighth birthday. Ever since, I’ve been clean and sober through the support of several healthy recovering women. And my dream of being happily married has come true; my fourth husband and I recently celebrated our 30^th anniversary!

Your Honesty

Trust me, if you’re life isn’t working, if your relationships are awful, if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, if you’re a perfectionist, chances are that alcohol has been promising you relief while robbing you of an honest, happy life.

Don’t let denial get in the way. Take a long look in the mirror. You’re the only one who can do something about it.

In 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, Gigi shares her personal journey as a prisoner of fear, worry, and substance abuse, along with practical techniques anyone can use. Award-winner with rave reviews: Amazon 4.8 stars.

Get special offers on the paperback, e-book, and audiobook HERE.

March 13, 2020March 13, 2020

7 Ways to Help Your Spouse Feel Secure During Your Depressive Episode

By Guest Blogger, Rebecca Lombardo

Many people have asked my husband and me how we’ve stayed together for so long with my mental illness looming overhead.

It’s a fair question; I know many couples that have ended up divorcing because one or the other couldn’t handle the added pressure of mental illness. I think in our case, that added element of pressure only made our marriage stronger.

Hope During a Depressive Episode

I don’t doubt that some people with depression or anxiety say to themselves, “I can barely take care of myself during a bout of depression; how am I supposed to worry about someone else?” To that I say, “I understand, and I’ve been there,” because I was diagnosed nearly 25 years ago.

I know from experience that when you stick together during the bad times, the good times are so much sweeter. On the day we got married, my husband said, “Well, you’re stuck with me now.” But I didn’t always make it easy for him.

Of course, at the beginning we struggled. We struggled a great deal, but we knew that we loved each other enough to keep working on the relationship.

If you truly love your spouse, you can gather enough strength to show you care for them, even when you don’t even have the energy to get out of bed.

Communicating During a Depressive Episode

It’s essential that your partner be made aware of what you’re going through. You can’t just shut down and isolate. The next time you go looking for their support, they may not be there because you’ve made them feel alienated.

Once I learned to utilize the seven methods listed below, we began to communicate better, even in the darkest of times. For many, these techniques may be common sense, but for those of us with a mental illness, sometimes we need to get out of our own way and just focus on the basics..

I’m not suggesting that you jump into the list with both feet. Take your time and find what works best for you and your spouse.

Talk to your spouse and tell them what you are feeling. As soon as you feel yourself falling into a depressive episode, let them know, even if you’re having trouble coming up with the why and the how,
Assure your partner that they are not the cause of your mood. Sit down and tell them point blank that they have nothing to do with how you’re feeling. You have no idea how powerful something so simple can be.
Tell them that it’s okay that they can’t fix the situation. This was a big one for my husband. He loves me and he didn’t want to see me in pain. So, he often felt as if he had to do something to make it better for me. Unfortunately, most of us need to work through things in our own time before we feel better.
Offer them simple options to help you feel better. Maybe you’re having a craving for chocolate or you just really want a tuna fish sandwich. Ask your spouse to pick up one of these items for you. When they bring it home, genuinely let them know that they’ve helped, even if it’s just a little.
Try to make sure you don’t take anything out on them. One of the biggest stumbling blocks early on was my temper, and because my husband was the only one around, he got to feel the wrath. This goes hand in hand with communication. You might simply say, “Look, I’m not doing well right now and it may seem like I’m taking it out on you. I’m sorry if I do, it’s not your fault.”
Thank them for being there for you. Many times, the only real remedy for a situation is a “thank you.” It’s a rewarding feeling to know you’ve helped the one you love. Once your partner feels appreciated, they’re more likely to be supportive more often.
If you’re having trouble giving your feelings a voice, write put them in a letter. This is valuable on many levels. It can help the situation in the present, but if your partner is anything like my husband, he’ll keep it and read it when times get hard again. If you’re truly transparent and honest with your emotions, it could be the best thing to happen to your relationship.

Give It A Try

I hope you’ll consider trying a couple of these the next time you feel like you’re sinking into a depressive episode.

You can have a strong relationship with a solid structure while enduring mental illness. It doesn’t have to be a struggle.

Believe me when I tell you that having a stable partnership takes one of the heaviest loads off your back in a dark time. Suffering through depression is exhausting enough, but knowing that your relationship is falling apart around you makes it ten times harder.

Do yourself a favor and just try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Rebecca Lombardo is the author of “It’s Not Your Journey” where she details two years of her twenty-five year battle with mental illness. As she recovered from an attempt to take her life, she wrote the book to purge her pain and raw emotions. Rebecca offers the reader support and guidance as she begs them not to follow her path.

Rebecca and Joe Lombardo host a podcast, Voices for Change 2.0, Live on Saturdays. Learn more about Rebecca at www.rebeccalombardo.com allthatwax2019.scentsy.us Tw: @BekaLombardo

February 27, 2020February 28, 2020

GOT SEX, SECURITY or SOCIAL PROBLEMS?

When our survival instincts for procreation, security, and community exceed their proper function, we want what others have, lust for sex and power, and become exceedingly angry when our demands aren’t met. (Bill Wilson) *

Many of us have valiantly tried to satisfy our overblown needs through our own efforts. For example, my selfish search for emotional security drove me to sick relationships, overwork, and manipulation. In the end, I hurt both myself and others.

So, how then do we grow out of the patterns that threaten our romantic life, safety, and productive relations? First, we must sincerely want to find a better way to live. Then, we look at our own part in our unhappiness, and take actions to become the person we want to be.

Most important, we find like-minded people to give us unselfish support as we come to trust a loving, protective power to fulfill our needs.

What’s the Problem with Exaggerated Needs?

We begin our journey by listing each survival instinct, along with the personal cost of trying to force the world to fulfill it. See if any of these needs and consequences apply to your life (add to the list, if you wish).

Unmet Emotional Needs cause low self-esteem, perfectionism, addiction, self-harm, anxiety
Threatened Material Security causes inflated ambition, dishonesty, overwork, worry, stress
Dysfunctional Social Relations result in codependency, prestige-seeking, competitiveness, gossip, failed relationships, conflict
Dishonest Sex Relations lead to promiscuity, disease, selfishness

Driven by fears of losing what we so desperately need, we may have been selfish, dishonest, and resentful. To free ourselves from these patterns, we write about the following questions and share our answers with a trusted person (therapist, clergy, sponsor, or spiritual advisor).

In what ways did I hurt others or myself,? Where was I . . .

Selfishly seeking my own security, social needs, or sexual gratification; and ignoring others’ feelings?
Dishonest with myself and others about my motives to satisfy my security, social relations, sex needs?
Fearful of not getting my needs met, and trying to control people and things so I could feel .more secure?
Resentful about my frustrated demands for security, social relations or sex?

This work helps us see the futility of expecting the world and others to fulfill our needs. No matter how hard we’ve tried, it just hasn’t worked, as it’s caused harm to ourselves and others. After sharing our shortcomings with a trusted confidant, we go to work to overcome our negative patterns.

If we’re addicts, alcoholics, workaholics, overeaters, gamblers, or regularly numb ourselves from life’s disappointments, we need help. In my case, I found a skilled therapist and the 12-step programs of AA, Al-Anon, and ACOA.

Self-Compassion

As I met with others who had faced similar challenges, I realized I wasn’t the only one confused about how to keep myself safe and secure; that everyone’s instincts caused them and others trouble.

I came to see my old hurtful actions as misguided attempts to fulfill my own needs. For example, in my alcoholic home, I decided, “If I’m perfect, everyone will like and admire me, and I won’t feel so alone and afraid.” I went on to get good grades, advanced degrees, and professional awards. Eventually, those efforts led to anxiety, alcoholism, drug addiction, chronic pain, and three divorces. Clearly, my attempt to ensure my own happiness was failing.

Loving Support and Security

As I joined with healthy others, I found I was not uniquely bad; I had been merely a desperate mess. Many of my recovering friends had done worse things than I had, and they had become good, reliable, caring people. Perhaps, with help, I could be a better person too.

Through the loving care of others, I began to own my strengths. For example, through my people-pleasing, I developed social skills that had to be balanced with self-care and boundary-setting. Ditto with my perfectionism; I certainly knew how to work hard–an asset–but only when I combined it with adequate rest and self-forgiveness.

Being immersed in groups of happy people who are healing their lives led me to my own source of security–a power greater than my fears. I was relieved that no one pushed me to believe in their definition of a “higher power.” Eventually, with guidance from my sponsor, therapist, and other spiritual teachers, I began to trust in an ever-present love that fulfilled all my needs.

These days, I often take a quiet moment to connect with this benevolent, caring power. In times of trouble, however, when I’m afraid my needs couldn’t possibly be met, I rely on my healthy friends to stream that positive power into my life and mind.

Knowing that love is always available gives me great security, and I’m ever grateful for that.

*NOTE: The ideas presented here are based on the Step 4 Inventory of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Gigi Langer, a person in recovery, holds a Ph.D. in Psychological Studies in Education and an MA in Psychology from Stanford University. Through her writing, coaching, and speaking, Gigi has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and at work. She lives in Michigan with her husband and Murphy, her cat.

Get Gigi’s new book, “50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking.” Available in audio, e-book, and paperback (5 Stars on Amazon). Click HERE

“This book is a winner.” –Karen Casey, Bestselling Hazelden author
“Valuable, heartfelt manual.” — Publishers Weekly (BookLife)

Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

Tag: relationships