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Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

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How to Curb Our Selfish Motives

worry less now Gigi Langer

Selfish thinking wrecks our relationships, health, and life success. This destructive force sounds like this:

  • What can I get out of this?
  • How can I hold on to what I have?
  • What can I accomplish so I can look good? Why can’t those other people behave so I can relax?
  • How can I avoid pain and suffering?

THE COST OF SELF-WILL

Ironically, most pain and suffering is caused by living from selfish motivations. As long as our dishonesty and inconsideration are in the driver’s seat, we have little chance of happiness or peace of mind. In my experience, we gain love and success when we ask a power greater than our selfishness to guide us, and then consistently practice rejecting self-centered thinking.

If that seems far-fetched, let’s consider how well your life works when guided by your own self-centered thoughts and feelings. In my case, I could not get relationships to work because I was seeking only to fulfill my own emotional and romantic needs. I only got good grades and degrees to gain respect and admiration from others. Such purely selfish motives resulted only in disillusion, bitterness, alcohol abuse, promiscuity, extreme stress, and chronic pain.

But all that changed once I got honest, found a higher power, and chose to make my life better through consistent practices and healthy tools.

HONESTY

It takes a healthy amount of self-honesty to take responsibility for the failures in our lives. Unfortunately, our selfish mind tells us it’s all everyone else’s fault. It loves to play the role of the victim. Makes sense, right? If I didn’t make the bad things happen, then I don’t have to do anything different!

Perhaps all personal and spiritual growth begins with admitting that our way of doing things is not working. Noone is forcing us to overwork, overeat, lie, or blast anger at a loved one. These reactions are driven by the delusion that I deserve better than what I’m getting.

I must say that honestly owning our own attitudes, judgments, and actions takes courage and often requires the support of healthy friends or a professional. Further, it’s hard to get honest when we’re using drugs, booze, shopping, food, overwork, or other ways to numb our feelings.

POWER

Once we realize our own efforts are only bringing us unhappiness, we are left with one choice: to find a power greater than our own failings to guide us. We may find it within us, outside us, or all around us. It doesn’t matter what you call it—God, higher power, universe, love, inner-guide, true self, nature, etc.–this power can dissolve the fearful self’s messages. But, this requires commitment and practice.

CHOICE & PRACTICE

Unfortunately, one decision to trust a loving power doesn’t put things right. Each day–and sometimes each minute–we can choose to reject our selfish behavior by visualizing how we want to be in the future. And then we practice keeping our mind away from limited thinking.

In my case, I ask a higher power to give me courage, compassion, and grace in all my interactions. I also ask for specifics, for example, a successful new “Worry Less Now” video course. I always leave a little “wiggle room” for a higher magic by adding “in the best way for all.” We don’t have to plot each step toward our desired goal; we just have to keep affirming that it is coming to us in its own time and in way. But we need to be on guard for dishonesty and self-centered fear.

Only regular practice can replace the chatter of self-will with loving wisdom and care. To open the channel to our source, we might use meditation, energy work, cognitive reframing, prayer, acts of kindness, forgiveness visualizations, guided meditations, or groups studying inspiring texts (e.g., The Four Agreements, The Power of Now, Course in Miracles, Bible, etc.) Any practice that connects us with a positive power can overcome our self-centered, demanding, and critical thoughts and actions.

WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE WAYS TO OVERCOME SELF-CENTERED THINKING? We’d love to hear from you.

For more specific practices that reduce selfish, negative thinking, please see my book and blog at GigiLanger.com.

Gigi Langer Worry Less Now

Gigi Langer has been sober 34 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Michigan with her husband, Peter and her cat, Murphy.

In Worry Less Now, Gigi shares her personal journey as a prisoner of fear, worry, and substance abuse, along with practical techniques anyone can use. Award-winner with rave reviews. Amazon rating: 4.8 stars.

Get special offers on the paperback, e-book, and audiobook HERE.

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Honesty Will Set You Free, But Denial Won’t

“Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others.” Dostoevsky

What secrets have you been keeping from yourself? Perhaps you’re worried about your own well-being or a loved one’s overworking, drinking, or depression. Even though these worries occasionally get your attention, when they die down again, they’re easy to forget. But that would be a mistake if you really want to be free.

The Truth Will Set You Free

The foundation of much unhappiness is denial, a coping mechanism that allows a person to reject a painful truth too uncomfortable to accept. Denial’s voice emphatically whispers, “I don’t want to admit the truth; and if I did, I just couldn’t handle it.”

As the saying goes, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” All the concerns listed above, as well as overeating, sleeping too much, obsessing about politics, or trying to control loved ones, are the unhealthy distractions of people flirting with denial.

In spite of these defenses, the pain hiding underneath the secret emerges, perhaps in a burst of outrage or in a bothersome sense of unrest in the gut. Tight shoulders, jaw clenching, headaches, frequent illness, and a host of other complaints may be symptoms of stifled truths and feelings.

Denial and Blaming Keep Us Stuck

For many of us, denial has been protective, softening the blows of life with a cocoon of forgetting. But denial, when held onto for too long, can keep us from facing up to and learning from our experiences.

We humans have a great tendency to avoid responsibility for our part in a difficult situation. Imagine you’ve just had a heated argument with your partner. As you replay the incident, you think, “It’s not my fault,” “He should not have said that,” or “If only he would be more understanding.” While these statements might be partially true, this kind of blaming only keeps you stuck.

What if, instead of blaming him, you honestly considered your own part in the disagreement? For example, you might discover you’ve been demanding, moody, or critical. You could then do the work to overcome the false belief that your partner must be perfect. Eventually, you find yourself focusing on his strengths instead of his faults. Perhaps you learn to state your own needs as preferences rather than demands. Eventually, your relationship begins to grow and thrive.

Select one troubling area in your life and work through it using the strategies and tools I offer in “50 Ways to Worry Less Now.” [This excerpt is taken from Chapter 2, “Getting Honest about Your Worries.”] Get started now with this “Honesty Check-Up.”

Honesty Check-Up

Write about these questions (My own answers are below)

  1. What damaging aspects of your character (false beliefs) are you denying?
  2. How would your life be better without them?
  3. What is the cost of not dealing with them?
  4. What steps are you willing to take to free yourself from this pattern?
  1. My current false belief is “I’m  not working hard enough to help my book reach a lot of people.”
  2. Without this belief, I could be relaxed, calm, and fully present with my husband and friends. I would be more outgoing and positive.
  3. The costs of denying this belief are continued stress, stomach problems, not enjoying the present moment, and negative self-talk.
  4. I am meditating regularly, praying for a new way of seeing my book’s “success,” and will discuss my concerns with my spiritual advisor.
Gigi Langer Worry Less Now

Gigi Langer, a person in recovery, holds a Ph.D. in Psychological Studies in Education and an MA in Psychology from Stanford University. Through her writing, coaching, and speaking, Gigi has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and at work. She lives in Michigan with her husband and Murphy, her cat.

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Get Gigi’s new book, “50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking” is available in audio, e-book, and paperback (5 Stars on Amazon). Click HERE

“Valuable, heartfelt manual.” — Publishers Weekly (BookLife)

“This book is a winner.” -Karen Casey, Hazelden author

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SHRED YOUR NEGATIVITY—EVEN IN HOLIDAY TRAFFIC!

HERE’S A SITUATION SURE TO KICK OFF NEGATIVITY:  Imagine you’re on your way to an important doctor appointment and you’ve left just a little late. You find yourself waiting in a long line of cars with left-turn signals blinking.

When the cars finally begin to inch forward, you realize you might not make it through the light. You look at your watch, clench your jaw, and think, “I can’t miss this appointment.” Your stomach begins to churn as you imagine having to wait several more weeks to see the doctor.

Suddenly, a big black car cuts in front of you. He’s the last one to make it through the light. You bang your hands on the steering wheel and yell, “Who in the hell does he  think he is?” Then your mind whispers, “I’ll never get in to see the doctor! My symptoms will get worse and I’ll suffer even more. Why does this always happen to me?”

NEGATIVITY: THE CONSEQUENCES

It’s hard to keep such incidents from prompting a hissy fit, often with dire results. For instance, we might drive recklessly in the traffic or speak rudely to the doctor’s receptionist.

Or, when we arrive home, our frustration might cause us to hurt a loved one with critical or impatient words.

AN ALTERNATIVE APPROACH

I’ll bet you’ve had similar experiences, especially with holiday traffic. I sure have. But after years of working with my negative thinking, I’ve discovered how to change it through Honesty, Power, Choice, and Growth Tools. Here’s how it looks in the traffic situation.

First, the driver honestly admits how upset she is, and tunes into the tension in her jaw and belly. She then notices, without judgment, her negative thoughts—for example, “I just thought ‘That guy is a real jerk!’ and I’ve convinced myself I’ll never make it to my appointment.”

She follows that realization with “If I can stop worrying, I can access the power of clarity.” She then makes the choice to cease upsetting herself.

She might seek a different perspective by thinking, “I have no control over this traffic. This would be frustrating for anyone. I’m willing to trust that I’ll get to the doctor at just the right time.”

To move her focus away from her irritation and fear, she applies the following growth tools.

She begins with the tool of deep breathing. In her calmer state, she tries to feel compassion toward the driver who cut her off. Perhaps he’s had a bad day or family emergency.

Finally, she uses visualization to imagine the office  receptionist being helpful and kind. As her negative thinking continues to make a bid for her attention, she persists in using these tools.

In a short time, the next right action occurs to her. She thinks, “I’m  going to call the receptionist and ask if I can keep my appointment if I’m thirty minutes late.” When her call is put on hold, she breathes calmly.

Soon, she learns that the doctor is behind schedule and being late is no problem. She relaxes and enjoys the ride.

ISN’T THIS APPROACH PRETTY PASSIVE?

Perhaps you’re thinking that the driver should have been more assertive, perhaps by immediately seeking a detour.

*Here’s an important point: Using these strategies does not mean that you never take strong action.*

They simply allow you to delay acting until you’ve gained a little wisdom. As a result of your new perspective, if you are meant to do something, you’ll have the direction you need.

Unfortunately, we don’t have as much control over external events as we might imagine, and fretting or forcing a solution often just makes things worse.

Next time you’re irked by traffic, try applying honesty, power, choices, and growth tools. You can experience the peace and goodwill of the season, no matter what!!

Gigi Langer Gigi Langer, a Stanford PhD, is a former teacher who quit drinking, only to find that her negative thinking, judging, and fears kept her in a cycle of worry, codependency, chronic pain, perfectionism, and overworking. Her award-winning book “50 Ways to Worry Less Now” (Amazon 4.8 stars) is available in paper, e-book, and audiobook. Honest, practical, simple. Relevant to anyone! Buy it here GigiLanger.com/buy

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How to Beat Pre-Holiday Stress

worry less now stressA lot of friends are saying their energy has deserted them, perhaps due to the shorter days and Daylight Savings in the U.S. And yet, there’s SO much to get done before the holidays.

And,  by the way, how can Thanksgiving be only one week away?? At this time of the year, we too easily fall prey to pre-holiday stress.

The thought “There’s too much to do!” puts us into a tailspin of worry. Then more negative thoughts follow, for example, “How can I get everyone to get along?” and “I’ll never find the right gifts!”  As the worries mount, our problem solving abilities fly out the window, leaving us even more tense and upset.

How can you overcome your own pre-holiday stress? Over many years of working with my own worries, I’ve discovered four life strategies to help you access wisdom and peace, even when the pressure mounts. They’re explained in Chapter 1 of my award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking to Find Peace, Clarity and Connection.

SPECIAL HOLIDAY OFFERS for “Worry Less Now:” 20% off with promo code 20LESSNOW or get 50% off your 2nd copy from 6:00 p.m. on Thanksgiving 11/22 through midnight Monday 11/26. Click here for both offers. [Also available from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and e-book vendors.]

You may have pre-holiday stress around questions such as, “Which events are most essential for me and my family?” “Whom should I invite and when?” “How will I handle the shopping and mailing?” The best answers to such questions come from using these four strategies and their associated tools.

1. Get Honest. First, I need to  admit to myself that I’m a little rattled.  Years ago, my worries flew under the radar, unacknowledged.  I knew I was tense, but didn’t want to face it, so I used drugs, alcohol, overwork, or sex to avoid my feelings. Those are all dead-ends that stop growth in its tracks.

I gain self-honesty most easily when I can share my struggles with healthy friends. Journal writing helps too; when my fears are out on page, they don’t seem insurmountable. But I don’t stop there and wallow in my fears; I move on!

2. Claim Positive Power. When I admit that stress has taken me over, I turn to a power greater than my fearful thinking. I no longer have to motivate myself with fearful thoughts. Instead, my best guidance comes from a higher, wiser place.

You may be thinking, “Oh, man, here we go with that higher power stuff.” Power and wisdom come from many sources, and it’s up to you to find your own. You might use terms such as courage, God, universal truth, soul, providence, true self, angels—it doesn’t matter, as long as proves to be stronger than your fear. (For more, see “When Willpower Just Isn’t Enough”)

The trick is to trust that a powerful part of you is wise enough to handle the unknown challenges that arise around the holidays. To access this higher self, try praying, meditating, or immerse yourself in nature, beauty, or uplifting reading.

3. Choose Your Future. If you’re thinking your holiday challenges are just too much, it’s time to create assertive images of how you want to feel and act. For example, if you’re anticipating conflict and drama during Thanksgiving dinner, you might imagine the scene, and affirm, “I am civil to the others, and I can take a break or leave at any time.”

The responsibility for your own peace of mind rests squarely with you, regardless of other people’s behavior. So, as you anticipate thorny issues, continuously visualize how YOU want to be in those situations. But, just stating a desire isn’t sufficient; you’ll need to use specific practices to keep your mind on a positive track.

4. Use Growth Practices. I don’t know about you, but my mind goes first to the worst-case scenario (it’s trying to help me survive by anticipating bad things). That’s why I need powerful tools to change my thinking.

I love the image of my worries being “dissolved” in this affirmation by J. Sig Paulson of Unity. When I’m stressed out or in the grip of fear, I repeat it over and over. [As you read it, feel free to substitute your own word for “God.”]

“The activity of God is the only power at work in my mind, heart, and life. All false beliefs, all negative appearances are dissolved right now by the loving, forgiving action of God. I am whole, strong, and free as God created me to be.”

I also recommend connecting daily with your inner wisdom by meditating, talking with supportive friends, and walking outdoors. Your own tools for achieving peace of mind might differ, but they will always lower the volume of your worries and resentments so you can offer caring actions, thoughts, and words.

When doubts and pre-holiday stress threaten your happiness, these four strategies will allow you to make great decisions for yourself and your family:  1) Honesty: “Here’s what’s going on inside me.” 2) Power: “I claim courage and intuitive direction.” 3) Choices: “This is how I want to be, and I’m going for it!” 4) Growth Practices: “I’m actively connecting with loving power to dissolve my fears and gain wise direction.”

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Gigi Langer, PhD.  Based on her work in psychology and personal experience in therapy, recovery, and a variety of spiritual teachings, Gigi is a sought-after speaker, retreat leader, and award-winning writer and professor.  She co-authored five books for educators before releasing 50 Ways to Worry Less Now in early 2018.

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