Bad habits Archives - GIGI LANGER

July 17, 2020July 17, 2020

THE DREADED “SHOULDS”

**How often do the words *should, must,* or *ought* go through your mind?”**

For example:

My daughter should stop using drugs.
This person, (fill in the blank), must be nicer to me.
The mayor (or president, legislator, etc.) is wrong and ought to (fill in the blank).
I should be healthy and happy and never experience troubling situations.

Unenforceable Rules

According to Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, these “shoulds” are examples of unenforceable rules: They demand an outcome you believe must come true, but over which you have no control. Such inflexible beliefs make us helpless, angry, hurt, hopeless or bitter.

Although holding an unenforceable rule may feel good–even noble–it doesn’t mean you can make it happen. In the first example, the daughter should stop using drugs, but no matter how persuasive the mother’s arguments, she doesn’t have the power to make her daughter stop.

The mother does, however, have control over her own choices and behavior. She can seek help from a therapist or Al-Anon, and claim a positive power to work in the situation. Then she might choose a goal for how she wants to act and feel, detach from the result, and use growth tools for her own peace of mind, regardless of her daughter’s choices.

Overcoming My Own “Shoulds”

One of my own unenforceable rules became clear as I was writing this book. When my mother passed away, I found it difficult to write and became discouraged by my lack of progress.

When I honestly faced the belief that I must complete the book by a certain date, I became willing to see it differently. After using Tool 6, Is It True? I turned my whispered lie around to “I will finish writing the book at the perfect time.” In turn, I became more flexible and kinder with myself.

The essence of happiness is peacefully allowing life to unfold. Nothing becomes a live-or-die situation because you know your loving power is working things out, with results that may far surpass your greatest hopes.

(Excerpt taken from page 56-57 of Gigi Langer’s award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now)

Gigi Langer holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. She is a seasoned author and popular speaker who has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and work. Gigi hasn’t had a drug or drink for over 30 years, although she does occasionally overindulge in Ghirardelli chocolate and historical novels.

Her book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now (available HERE in paperback, e-book, & audiobook) has gained rave reviews (4.8 on Amazon) and a publishing award.

September 1, 2019September 1, 2019

LETTING GO OF URGENCY

I often hear a whispered lie telling me “Gotta go faster!” or “It’s going to horrible if I can’t get this done.”

Such urgent thoughts scare the wits out of me—and they’re NOT TRUE.

To re-calibrate my exaggerated self-talk, I breathe, meditate, pray, and use other tools to connect with my true self/higher power. And then, voila! Those things that just “had” to be done are effortless and in perfect order. Whew! Relief!

I love this reading about urgency from Melody Beattie, The Language Of Letting Go.

“One thing at a time. That’s all we have to do. Not two things at once, but one thing done in peace.

“One task at a time. One feeling at a time. One day at a time. One problem at a time. One step at a time. One pleasure at a time.

“Relax. Let go of urgency. Begin calmly now. Take one thing at a time.

“See how everything works out?

“Today, I will peacefully approach one thing at a time. When in doubt, I will take first things first.

Great advice, aye? I think I’ll follow it by letting go of my urgency!

Gigi Langer holds a PhD from Stanford University in Psychological Studies in Education. She’s an award-winning teacher and writer with 33 years clean and sober. Her new book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now won the National Indie Excellence Award and rates 4.7 stars on Amazon. The AUDIOBOOK is due in mid-September 2019 (Audible, Amazon, i-tunes)

May 21, 2018May 21, 2018

7 Ways You May Be Blocking Your Happiness

don't block happiness — Kermie & I start the day

Recently, someone asked me to name 7 negative things we do everyday that block happiness, with suggestions for what to do instead.

That’s a “Pretty Good Question!” I thought. “I’ll give it a try!” Here’s my list of seven.

What would you add? Write your ideas in the “Comments” section at the end.

7 THINGS THAT BLOCK HAPPINESS AND HOW TO CHANGE THEM

1 Saying ”I can’t . . ” Change it to “Up until now I couldn’t . . ”

2 Saying “I always . . ” Change it to “In the past I’ve . . “ or “I used to . . ”

3 Reading email and texts first thing in the morning. Instead, meditate, read inspiring words, journal, or pray, (like Kermit & I do!)

4 Criticizing or Gossiping. Instead, look for what’s strong, positive, and good about a person or situation. Avoid complainers.

5 Saying, “You should . .” or “He should (or ought to) . . ” Instead, admit that you may not know best and, even if you did, it’s not your job to change others.

6 Drinking or drugging in a way that’s harming your relationships, health, or safety. Instead, get into a recovery program or therapy.

7 Thinking about what you’ll say next while “listening” to another. Then responding with your own story or advice. Instead, listen with all of your mind & heart. Try to understand what the person is saying by asking for clarification, e.g., “You mentioned (…). Tell me more about that. What was that like for you?” Listen to the answer and then probe for more detail. Talk less. Listen more. Ask more questions.

OKAY, IT’S YOUR TURN. In the Comments section below, list the bad habit that blocks your own happiness. Be sure to add the “instead” behavior. We really need your suggestions!

I can’t wait to see what you post!!

Gigi Langer holds an MA in Psychology and PhD in Psychological Studies in Education, both from Stanford.

She’s also an educator, speaker, and author of 50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking to Find Peace, Clarity, and Connection (February, 2018), available in e-book formats and in print from Amazon.

“Langer’s frank and empathetic tone will comfort readers, as will the practical steps she teaches.” (Featured Book, BookLife by Publishers Weekly)

“Her honesty will blow you away! It is beautifully written; filled with humor and authenticity.” (Member of Al Anon)]

Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

Tag: Bad habits

THE DREADED “SHOULDS”

Unenforceable Rules

Overcoming My Own “Shoulds”

LETTING GO OF URGENCY

7 Ways You May Be Blocking Your Happiness

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