Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

Ā Love More Now!

How Steps 4-12 Open Our Hearts

The Rest of the 12 Steps (from Love More Now by Gigi Langer

Step 4. Courage

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Notice the word fearless. You might ask, Where do we get the courage to go on? Note that coeur, the French word for heart, is the root word for courage. For some time now, you’ve been opening your heart to this powerful flow of Love. And now it’s time to use it.

Let’s face it, addiction is the opposite of courage. It’s the chicken’s way out. I can’t handle who I am, so I’ll hide it. Once into recovery, many balk at Step 4, as fear and shame whisper, I don’t want to face it. All that nasty stuff will come gushing out and overwhelm me. When we’re afraid to go on, many suggest backing up to the prior Step until we can trust that Love has our backs. It’s also helpful to begin the inventory with a list of our assets.

Although I too feared that the ugly would come out all at once, that didn’t happen. In fact, the wisdom of my True Self allowed my secrets to emerge only when I was ready. Some of the scariest things didn’t arise until I was a few years sober, thank God!

So, how do we take a fearless moral inventory? The primary text of AA illustrates how to examine our resentments, fears, and sexual behavior. In each area, we are to consider how we’ve been holding on to the four main barriers to Love discussed earlier: Resentment, Self-Centered Motives, Self-Deception, and Self-Condemnation.

As we move through the steps, we notice how certain roles learned early in life have been sabotaging our ability to function in healthy ways. I described these six patterns in Chapter 2, pages 38–40: Caretaker, Martyr, Perfectionist, People Pleaser, Workaholic, and Tap Dancer. In Chapter 4, pages 83–85, you’ll see how I combined the four barriers and six patterns into a ten-question inventory that may be helpful in understanding how we’ve been contributing to our misery in the face of life’s challenges.

By reflecting on our habitual responses in this way, we can begin to face and change them. But only if we don’t keep them a secret.

Step 5. Integrity

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

I’ve often heard that we’re only as sick as our secrets. Indeed, what stays hidden tends to spawn shame and guilt, corrosive poisons that eat away at us. The purpose of Step 5 is to dissolve the shame that’s been blocking the integrity of our True Selves.

When we share our inventory with our sponsor or a trusted third party, we’re amazed that they don’t frown or go running away when they hear our misdeeds. Often, they reply by sharing a few of their own, some of them quite awful. This caring experience goes a long way toward healing our self-condemning whispered lies. Remember the Master-Beaters Club in Chapter 2, page 29–30? That habit began to dissolve as I felt my sponsor’s unwavering loving care, regardless of the secrets I revealed to her.

Although facing another human being with my flaws wasn’t easy, the hardest part was admitting them to God (Loving Energy). I was so afraid I’d be judged as unworthy of Divine Love. But that wasn’t the case. Sharing my inventory removed my distrust and opened my heart to give and receive love in a healthy way.

But taking responsibility for our part in our troubles is only another beginning. We’ve not yet decided whether we’re ready to give up our self-defeating patterns.

Step 6. Willingness

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

They say at meetings that when we let go of a ā€œdefectā€ (what we’ve been calling a fearful pattern), it has scratch marks all over it. Why? Because, even though we’ve admitted that our old coping strategies have been blocking Love from our lives, we’re not immediately willing to let go of them. Part of us still insists we need them to feel safe.

To become ā€œentirely ready,ā€ most of us need to get so sick and tired of our old ways of handling life that we’re finally willing to let them go. How wise for the founders of AA to make a space for our hesitation, to allow for patience while we wait, staying connected to our program and trusting the process.

This example illustrates how a common defect, low self-esteem, can be healed through Steps 6 and 7. My friend, DeeDee, believed the whispered lie, They don’t love me, so I must not be worthy of love. This whispered lie and its buddy, If they did love me, they would (or wouldn’t) be doing this, saying this, etc., had set her up for failed relationships, addiction, codependency, and a lifetime of resentments.

As DeeDee progressed through Steps 4 and 5, she began to realize that she had set up unrealistic, unenforceable rules for how people must show her loving care. Coincidentally, she was taking a course that required her to ask her mother to list DeeDee’s positive attributes. She said her mother’s list felt ā€œlike a stab in the gutā€ because it referred to DeeDee’s relapses, and implied she was better at loving her pets than her family. When DeeDee asked me for feedback, I wrote:

ā€œ Yes. There it is in black and white. How she still judges you and withholds love. Ouch. She’s right in implying that your family relationships have been out of kilter. Alcoholism and old fears and patterns will do that. This is perfect Step-6 timing. The constant perception of ā€˜not being lovable’ has run its course and you seem ā€˜entirely ready’ to have it removed. And when you ask for its healing, your higher power will help you to see it (and your mother’s reactions) differently. In the meantime, let’s work on softening your heart toward your mother. Remember that she’s been scared witless by your relapse earlier this year. She’s human and loves you desperately while struggling to handle her fear. Here are two suggestions: Bless her by praying that she has everything that will make her happy, and then list all of her positive qualities. We’ll know this pattern is healed when, regardless of what she says or does, you’ll rather quickly see the love underneath her words. It may take a little time, but it will happen. Let’s move on to Step 7 to get free of your old resentments.ā€

Step 7. Humility

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

The word humility is too often misunderstood as a weakness. Try thinking of it this way instead: Humility isn’t thinking less of myself; it’s thinking of myself less often.

In DeeDee’s case, even though she had low self-esteem (thought less of herself), she spent many hours thinking of herself, rehashing how she wasn’t getting loved in the ways she demanded. She couldn’t humbly open her heart to her mother until she asked Loving Power to remove her resentments and self-centered demands.

The opposite of humility is false pride: I can force the world to give me what I want. Fortunately, we’ve begun to deflate our pride by admitting and listing our fears and patterns in Steps 4, 5, and 6. Now, in Step 7, we finally ask to be changed, to be free of our old heart-closing ways. Knowing we can’t do it on our own, we turn to a power greater than our fears. As my friend Mark A. Lord says, ā€œLet God (Love) do the heavy lifting.ā€ All we need to do is ask with sincerity and a willingness to get out of the way.

Here’s the Seventh-Step prayer that DeeDee and I said at our next meeting.

ā€œ My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now  remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go from here, to do your bidding.ā€60

As of this writing (many months after this incident), DeeDee is open-hearted toward her mother and rarely feels rejected when her mother mentions DeeDee’s past relapses. The Seventh-Step prayer worked!

Note that the Step 7 prayer asks that we be free of anything ā€œthat stands in the way of my usefulness to you [God/ Loving Energy/True Self] and my fellows.ā€ Even though we want emotional relief from our fears, problems, and isolation, our personal transformation is really about becoming useful by loving and helping others.

Step 8. Discipline

Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

An amend is a mending, a closing of the separation from others. Recall the image on page 82 in Chapter 4 that showed the difference between open-hearted connection and closed-hearted separation.

We can easily discover those we have harmed by the twist of discomfort in our gut when we think of them. That discomfort is a sign of regret over our past behavior.

When listing those we’ve harmed, some sponsors have us make three lists: 1) Yes, I’m willing when the time is right; 2) No, I’m not yet ready, and 3) Hell, no. Never! The names may change lists from time to time, but for now, they just sit there. In the meantime, we trust Loving Energy and our sponsor to guide us to the right people with the right words at the right time.

Before approaching anyone to make amends, we need the discipline to reflect on our motives. Too often, especially early on, our motive is to get rid of our awful feelings of shame, without regard for the other person. When driven by such urges, our amends are likely to be seen as what they are: another bid to make ourselves feel better. No. This is about staying sober and loving others, unencumbered by guilt.

Again, AA’s wise founders have allowed us time to become spiritually centered before we try to heal damaged relationships. In other words, we wait until we’ve softened our heart toward the individual. This may take a while. In my case, I had to wait five years to make amends to one of my ex-husbands. It can only happen when our hearts are ready and our motive is pure.

Step 9. Forgiveness

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Forgiveness is a central piece of making amends. When our hearts are open, we can forgive the other person for their part (if any) in the incident. Then we can focus on our part and finally forgive ourselves.

Saying, ā€œI’m sorryā€ is not usually sufficient, as it doesn’t mend much of anything. Most people start with a statement of how much they appreciate the other person. Then they explain that they’re in recovery and trying to mend their past. They briefly describe their offending words or actions, without adding the gory details. Finally, they ask the person how they can make up for the wrongdoing. If the request is possible and within reason, they do it.

Note the words at the end of Step 9: ā€œExcept when to do so would injure them or others.ā€ This means that we don’t have the right to feel better at someone else’s expense. Step 9 is not about blame or revenge; it’s not about the past at all. It’s about clearing our conscience and opening our hearts to ourselves and the other person.

Most of us fear that the person we harmed will respond with anger. Even if they do, we’ve learned through our step work that our security is not in someone else’s hands. We’ve done the right thing by reaching out, and we realize the amends are about cleaning up the wreckage of our past as best we can. How the other person takes it is up to them.

Also, note the words, ā€œmade amends wherever possible.ā€ If it isn’t possible, we can write a letter or imagine talking to their spirit/True Self.

Finally, let’s consider the idea of living amends. One of the best ways to make amends with those we see often is to open our hearts to them by offering consistent kindness and compassion. We also demonstrate how we’re taking good care of ourselves by conscientiously working the Steps with a sponsor. Over time, and with consistent decent behavior, we transform the damaged relationships into ones of trust and Love.

Step 10. Acceptance

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Because we’re changing a lifetime of self-centered fears and patterns, they won’t all improve at once. Indeed, the more we reflect on them, the more quickly we notice when we’ve done or said something that doesn’t align with our new, positive changes. This is where acceptance comes in. We no longer try to be perfect; we merely claim spiritual progress.

Whether the wrong is to us or another, we promptly use an abbreviated form of Steps 4–7 to look at our part. With practice, we get the hang of noticing when our old ways are disturbing our peace of mind. We do a quick personal inventory and place our fears and patterns in Love’s hands. And of course, if we’ve harmed someone, we make amends.

Here’s a rather humbling situation where an old pattern caused me to hurt another. One day at a Twelve-Step meeting, a man stood up and said very dogmatically that only the ā€œreal alcoholicsā€ should be there. His inflexible tone sounded just like my mother when she drunkenly talked about politics, and I felt that same old fear and anger. I knew that tender spot had been triggered, but that didn’t stop me from talking to him after the meeting.

Driven by my fear, I tried to convince him how his words had threatened the primary purpose of AA, to help anyone who had a desire to stop drinking. But my superior tone didn’t change his mind. In fact, after a few minutes of listening to him defend his position, I grew frustrated, turned away, and said in a nasty voice, ā€œIt must be great to be so right all the time!ā€ Oops! Self-will run riot!

Later, I did a quick inventory, admitting that I had started our conversation with a closed heart and a desire to change him, even though he’d never asked for my advice. Fear, self-deception, perfectionism, and self-condemnation had crept into my mind and closed my heart against him. After discussing the situation with my sponsor, I knew I needed to call him to confess my tender spot and apologize. Thank God, he was quite gracious about it.

That experience taught me to delay my responses when my inner child gets triggered. Instead of reacting, I need to get quiet and take good care of my own feelings. Then, and only then, if it’s important to address the issue, I do. I’ve also learned to avoid or stay quiet around those who dogmatically insist they are right.

Step 11. Knowledge and Awareness

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

My AA friends say that praying is talking to God, and meditation is listening for God’s response. In Chapter 3, pages 61–64, we explored meditation at length, but we haven’t talked much about prayer.

Step 11 encourages us to pray ā€œonly for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.ā€ I believe that God’s will is for us to open our hearts to the divine essence of every person we encounter, as stated in ACIM Lesson 45, ā€œGod is the mind with which I think.ā€61 This lesson asks me to allow Love to be the source of my thoughts. I do this by increasing my conscious contact with Loving Energy.

Early in recovery, I had never prayed and doubted that prayer would do much good. However, I decided to try it after reading Karen Casey’s six persuasive reasons to pray.

  1. Prayer promises relief when we are anxious.
  2. P rayer connects us with our higher power when we feel isolated and full of fear.
  3. P rayer frees our minds from the obsessionĀ  to plan other people’s lives.
  4. P rayer helps us take action when we feel compelled to change the circumstances of our lives.
  5. P rayer becomes a wonderful resource to draw on when living through our painful moments.
  6. A nd prayer gives us the willingness toĀ  accept God’s solution for every problemĀ  that plagues us.ā€62

When I get quiet and sincerely ask to see beyond my fearful, negative thinking, I gain access to the comfort, courage, and wisdom of Loving Energy. As we commit to aligning our thoughts with Love, we will increasingly know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.

Step 12. Service and Gratitude

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I think of a spiritual awakening as learning how to notice— and then reject—fear’s destructive patterns and lies so that Loving Energy can inspire my True Self for the benefit of all.

We’ve heard about carrying the message to help other alcoholics, but what about practicing ā€œthese principles in all our affairs?ā€ The short version is to strive for open-hearted living by showing Love, kindness, and care in our daily lives.

We learn to give and receive Love through relationships because we are both students and teachers to each other. Imagine several people holding hands while climbing a hill. The first person leads the person behind him, this person helps the one behind him, and so on. A stronger person helps us grow, so we can extend that strength to another. This is how recovery and most other growth paths work.

Talk to anyone who’s been following a Twelve-Step program, and you’ll find they’ve gained not only freedom from addiction, but they also enjoy loving families, amazing jobs, priceless peace of mind, and a subtle joy in life. Even when the hard times come, they have supportive love around them to help them through.

My newest book, Love More Now: Facing Life’s Challenges with an Open Heart is only $9.99 –available from Amazon HERE.

Get my award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, for only $6.00 at GigiLanger.com/buy (or get e-book at Amazon) ** Thank you for POSTING your REVIEWs on Amazon. **

Gigi Langer has been sober for over 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Her 50 Ways to Worry Less Now won an Indie Excellence Award in 2019. Gigi worked at Eastern Michigan University for 25 years, and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat, Easter.

gigi langer worry less now

WHEN LIFE IS SCARING THE S*** OUT OF US!

For the past two months, my dear Peter has been quite ill. You may remember that he’s my fourth husband, after many failures due toĀ codependence and substance abuse. I’ve now had the blessing of 32 ½ happy years with a caring, responsible, and extremely fun partner.

Ā  Ā I love him dearly and am grateful for every day together. Don’t get me wrong, though;Ā I haven’t made him into my higher powerĀ as I did with so many other men. No, I stand in the strength of spirit, and we hold hands as we meet life’s adventures together.
Ā  Ā So, in this latest adventure, we recently learnedĀ that Peter hasĀ significant heart disease; and then yesterday, he had all the signs of a heart attack! So went to theĀ ER, and they kept him at the hospital overnight. YIKES!
Ā  Ā  Ā So, how do we handle things that are scaring the shit out of us? A well-worn statement from Alanon is:Ā The more we talk about the problem, the less we focus on the solution. So, let’s get to the solutions:

  • focusing on love rather than fear,
  • not numbingĀ my feelings,Ā and
  • clinging to strong supportive friends.

Not Scaring Myself: Choosing LoveĀ 

Thank God, I recently signed up forĀ Carol Howe’sĀ short daily recordings ofĀ ACIMĀ  (A Course in Miracles)Ā lessons. ACIM teaches us over and over that our fearful, self-centered mind (ego) causes our upsets because it always ā€œthinksā€ something is keeping us from getting what we want. For example, my fearful voice was crying, ā€œWill I be left alone? Can I handle Peter’s declining health?ā€
Ā  Ā You can see these are all ego-questions about “me, myself, and I.” But these imaginings are only projectionsĀ of past pain onto the future. They have nothing to do with the truth.Ā 
My only path to peace is to reject the ego’s lies and focus on Love.Ā So, I choseĀ newĀ thoughts: ā€I will not see this situation through fear; I see it only through Love. Nothing can separate me from goodness; and the same goes for Peter. All is well.”

Staying Present with SupportĀ  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā 

During myĀ tough times, I have two non-negotiables:

  1. I mustn’t consistently numb myself outĀ with drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, or overactivity. I sure did eat a lot of sugar this week; and I’ve been known to veg out in front of movies to soften the blow of fear. But I don’t do this for long, and I continue my footwork. If I go for days with self-numbing and no positive self-care, I am in trouble and need help.
  2. I must reach out for supportĀ from friends on a similar growth path. This is not usually a family member or romantic interest; and it’s not someone who judges or tries to fix me. Most of my support buddies are healthy, sober women.

Your Prayers Rock!

So yesterday, I sentĀ out a call for prayer and support fromĀ my recovery buddies, and WOW! didĀ they ever pull through! I got so many sweet, comforting texts (Some who sent them are reading this, and I thank you SO much!)
Ā  Ā  Ā  Here’s one example from my dear friend, Eileen, who sent this request to Rosary Circle, Carolyn Myss’ prayer community:Ā 
ā€œPlease pray for Peter, the husband of my dear friend, Gigi. Peter has been ill for a couple of months with influenza B and was recently diagnosed with heart disease. Please visualize Peter eagerly learning about cardiovascular disease and embracing the dietary and lifestyle changes that will improve his health. Pray that he finds educational resources that fit his needs and budget, that he experiences hope and that he feels the love of family and friends. Bless Gigi as she supports Peter and bless his caregivers as they develop an effective and efficient plan to monitor and treat him. We gratefully anticipate Peter’s return to health that he may use his life to serve you.ā€Ā  Ā Thank you, thank you, thank you. It is done! Ā Ā 

The Good News

Tonight we came home from the ER with a good report: Altho’ Peter hasĀ heart disease, he has not had a heart attack, and he passed the stress test quite well! (He does still haveĀ Influenza BĀ even thoughĀ we had flu shots). But, there is so much to be grateful for.
Ā  Ā  I am so glad I’ve learned to keepĀ my serenity bank full byĀ praying, meditating, and joining withĀ my friends inĀ AA, Alanon, andĀ ACIM. When the scary times hit, I can call onĀ that reserve toĀ help usĀ through it with trust andĀ calm.Ā 

Worry Less Now; Gigi Langer

Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the ā€œQueen of Worry,ā€ Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.

Worry Less Now Cover

Gigi’s award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to correct the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)

THE DIVINE SPARK!

Happiness comes from the divine spark within each of us.

ā€œMany of us mistakenly think happiness comes from outside ourselves. For example, when other people shower us with love, we’re happy . . . On the other hand, relying on our inner wisdom to tell us we’re worthy and believing we are worthy . . . [require] only a simple change in perspective. It’s looking within, not without, for knowledge of our worth. There’s no mystery to it. “Ā  from A Life of My Own by Karen Casey


Karen Casey is one of my favorite writers. When I got sober, her daily meditation book,Ā Each Day a New BeginningĀ (Hazelden), saved my life by putting healthy, hopeful thoughts into my mind. And, did I ever need them!

I had grown up totally unaware of the pure goodnessĀ that I had inside me. It was covered up by sadness, feeling less than others, a sense of insecurity, guilt from my crazy home-life, and shame over my sexual behavior.

Looking in All the Wrong Places

I was constantly seeking something outside of myself to fill up the hole of insecurity gnawing inside me. Unaware of my true worth, I tried to imitate others who seemed happy. I copied their “outsides,” hoping I could fix my “insides.” I pretended to be to be smart, well-mannered, friendly, and happy–I was willing to do anything for love and acceptance. 

But none of it really worked; it left me frustrated, alone, and enraged (even though it took years to admit it). When I discovered that booze and marijuana could erase the pain of life, I was quite relieved–but only temporarily.

Eventually, even that didn’t work. My failed relationships and divorces piled up at the same rate as my degrees. When I realized how broken I was, I finally sought help. 

The Solutions

As I walked through the doors of my first 12-step meeting, I could feel people responding to me as if I was already worthy of love. Although I couldn’t really believe it, I clung desperately to that possibility.

Over time, I followed their suggestions, found a sponsor who loved and guided me, and awoke to the divine spark of love within (and surrounding me). It’s now been over 35 years since I walked into that first meeting, and it has given me everything I have ever wanted.Ā 

Worry Less Now; Gigi Langer

Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the ā€œQueen of Worry,ā€ Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.

Worry Less Now Cover

Gigi’s award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to correct the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)

Turn Your Character Flaws into Assets!

After solving my drinking problem, I was amazed to find equally damaging aspects within my own personality–low self-esteem, jealousy, perfectionism, and constant anxiety. 

I now think of these ā€œcharacter flawsā€Ā as survival strategiesĀ that helped meĀ cope in the past, but no longer serveĀ me in the present. For example, standing up for my own needsĀ often brought on ridicule at home, so I became a people-pleaser and pretended everything was fine. Now, many years later, I no longer need to suppress my needs because I’ve learned to beĀ honest andĀ assertiveĀ in my relationships.Ā 

To change this old,Ā damaging pattern, I neededĀ to discover theĀ motivatorsĀ underlying it: where had IĀ beenĀ fearful, dishonest, resentful, or selfish?Ā Often these motivators showed up in my self-talk as whispered lies.Ā For instance, my fear might whisper, ā€œDon’tĀ speak up; if youĀ do, he’ll getĀ angry and leave.ā€ Ā Dishonesty also played its partĀ by denying my unpleasant feelings.Ā (For more on Whispered Lies, see my book,Ā 50 Ways to Worry Less NowĀ –Ā amzn.to/2RMx5m5).Ā 

When I used therapy, the 12 steps, and other practices to dissolve my fears and dishonesty, I gained positive self-talk (Whispered Truths) such as, ā€œI have the right to ask for what I desire.ā€ As a result, my happiness and relationships benefited from my assertiveness and honesty.

Here I illustrate how eachĀ motivator (Fear, Dishonesty, Resentment, Selfishness)Ā spawnsĀ whispered lies,Ā character flaws, andĀ negative consequences.Ā But the story doesn’t end there!Ā After choosing to let go of these patterns and humbly asking God to remove them, we find the healing of internalĀ whispered truthsĀ andĀ many benefits.

FEAR UNHEALED

  • Whispered Lies: ā€œIf I create conflict or speak up, people will leave me.ā€  ā€œI must perform well to be loved.ā€ ā€œIf I make a mistake, I’ll be abandoned.ā€ 
  • Character Flaws: People-pleasing, Perfectionism, Fear of failure, Laziness, Doubt
  • Consequences: Victim mentality, Blaming others, Anxiety, Procrastination, Giving up

FEAR HEALED

  • Whispered Truths: ā€œI have a right to ask for what I desire.ā€ ā€œI can be imperfect and still be worthy of love.ā€ ā€œMy high standards improve my work when I also take good care of myself.ā€
  • Benefits: Assertiveness, Improved relationships, Courage, Serenity, Trust, Faith

DISHONESTY UNHEALED

  • Whispered Lies: ā€œI have to be who people want me to be.ā€ ā€œIf I can figure this out, I can keep my loved ones safe.ā€ ā€œI can’t be happy unless things change.ā€
  • Character Flaws: Codependency; Needing to control people, places, and things; Self-justification 
  • Consequences: Failed relationships, Trying to change others, Overthinking, Obsessing about the future, Lack of self-care, Anxiety, Denial of powerlessness

DISHONESTY HEALED

  • Whispered Truths: ā€œI find the courage to take good care of myself.ā€ ā€œMy higher power is in charge of my own and my loved ones’ security.ā€ ā€œI can’t change people, places or things, but I CAN change how I think and act.ā€ ā€œThis is God’s job, not mine.ā€ 
  • Benefits: Loving others with honesty, Moderation, Acceptance, Resiliency

RESENTMENT UNHEALED

  • Whispered Lies: ā€œNothing works out for me.ā€ ā€œScrew life!ā€ ā€œI’m not getting what I deserve.ā€ ā€œI hate him/her/it!ā€
  • Character Flaws: Negativity, Self-Pity, Intolerance, Impatience, Envy
  • Consequences: Gossip, Depression, Defensive in friendships, Distrust love, Anger 

RESENTMENT HEALED

  • Whispered Truths: ā€œI have everything I need as God wills.ā€ ā€œEverything is in perfect order; I just can’t see it right now.ā€ ā€œThis person is troubled just as I am; I see us both with compassion.ā€ ā€œAll is well.ā€
  • Benefits: Acceptance, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Self-care, Humility (seeking God’s will), Generosity

SELFISHNESS UNHEALED

  • Whispered Lies: ā€œShe’s better than I am, so she’ll get all the attention I need.ā€ ā€œI’m better at this than she is, so I’m more worthy than she is.ā€ ā€œI must have this NOW!ā€
  • Character Flaws: Pride, Greed, Self-criticism, Judging others, Suspicion
  • Consequences: Relationship difficulties, Withholding love, Non-communication, Stress/anxiety, Rigid expectations of others (and of ourselves). 

SELFISHNESS HEALED

  • Whispered Truths: ā€œI am an equal among equals.ā€ ā€œWe’re all loved and loveable.ā€ ā€œWe all share flaws; that’s okay.ā€
  • Benefits: Happy relationships, Generosity, Consideration of others, Acceptance 

*Note that each of the four motivators shows up to some extent in almost every flaw listed

HOW DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH THESE IDEAS? I’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU!

Worry Less Now; Gigi Langer

Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the ā€œQueen of Worry,ā€ Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.

Worry Less Now Cover

My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to reject the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)