Before I got sober, I didnāt pray, unless you count uttering in desperation, āHelp me!ā
Even though I didnāt know what it meant, I memorized the Lordās prayer, just to fit in at my best friendās church.
** I had no idea that connecting regularly with a Higher Power (HP) could solve my troubles and fears. **
My favorite author, Karen Casey, writes: ā(1) Prayer promises relief when we are anxious. (2) Prayer connects us with our Higher Power when we feel isolated and full of fear. (3) Prayer frees our minds from the obsession to plan other peopleās lives. (4) Prayer helps us take action when we feel compelled to change the circumstances of our lives. (5) Prayer becomes a wonderful resource to draw on when living through our painful moments. (6) And prayer gives us the willingness to accept Godās solution for every problem that plagues us.ā (from āA Life of My Ownā)
My friends say that praying is asking, and meditation is listening to the God of our understanding. So, I meditate to gain all the wise direction I can get! (I also attend meetings, do service work, and read inspiring spiritual texts to keep myself balanced and stress-free).
** HOW DO YOU MAINTAIN YOUR CONSCIOUS CONTACT WITH YOUR HP?
Gigi Langer is a former teacher who quit drinking, only to find that her negative thinking, judging, and fears kept her in a cycle of worry, codependency, chronic pain, perfectionism, and overworking. Her award-winning book “50 Ways to Worry Less Now” (Amazon 4.8 stars) is available in paper, e-book, and audiobook. Honest, practical, simple. Relevant to anyone! GigiLanger.com/buy
After listening to the recording, a woman in recovery sent me this wonderful message describing how consciously choosing to be a shining light helps her–and others–through many troubling situations. Here’s what she wrote:
“I love how in your open talk you refer to spirituality as ‘a light. A light inside us. A light for others to see.’ ā„ļø
Ā “I was so excited to be able to pass a drug test, and get a real job, benefits, good pay. But then the place turned out to be very toxic. Gossip, fighting, and plenty of non-recovering alcoholics. I became sucked in very quickly.Ā
“I was fairly new to recovery and hadnāt learned many tools. I would sit out in my car every morning and pray to go in there and ‘Be the Light.’ To shine bright and help the hurting souls in there. I prayed for God’s will and the strength to not get sucked into the drama.Ā
“Afterward, I would go to meetings and share my ‘pep talk’ about ‘Being the Light.’ How it was helping me at work, reminding me toĀ be the change.To spread compassion and love to those who are still sick. How I had to remind myself over and over. For example, I would be in the middle of the bickering, and I’d whisper under my breath, ‘Be the light. Be the light.’ Then I’d put up my boundaries and walk away.
āNext thing you know, other people in the program were talking about it. How they would find themselves in situations and would pray for the light. The light to rise above. For the light inside themselves to shine bright.Ā
“What a gift to be heard and, in return, to help others. Feeling the spirituality inside us. Shining it on others. Helping others, which then helps ourselves. Such a gift!”
Isn’t that absolutely beautiful? Let’s all try to “be the light” for the people and situations around us. I would LOVE to hear how you have used this idea in your own life. Thanks!
Gigi Langer, PhD.Ā Many years ago, I used alcohol, romance, and professional accomplishments to soothe my frayed nerves. Over time, I discovered effective tools from therapy, recovery proĀgrams, scientific research, and a variety of philosophical and spiritual teachings. I share those techniques in my blog and book so you can find peace of mind and wisdom, no matter what is bothering you.
My award-winning book,Ā 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how I and others have defeated the faulty thinking leading to dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, addiction, and worry about loved ones. Gain practical strategies, personal stories, and other helpful suggestions. Amazon: 4.8 stars (50 reviews) (Buy Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)
REVIEWS: Ā Karen Casey, best-selling author ofĀ Each Day a New BeginningĀ (Hazelden)Ā āEven though I have been in recovery for more than 4 decades, and didnāt think another self-help book would make it to my treasured list, I was wrong. This book is a winner.ā Anonymous Reader: “Your Book certainly transformed my life!Ā All I can say is, THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES OVERāĀ
DO YOU HAVE FEELINGS THAT JUST CARRY YOU AWAY AND COLOR YOUR WHOLE WORLD GRAY? Don’t worry! Such feelings are often created by fearful thoughts that arenāt even true.
For example, we live in the wreckage of our future (āIts going to be awful!ā) or we create āunenforceable rulesā (āThis should (or should not happenā). Often, we try to change the past by thinking how it ācould haveā been better.
Such thoughts are driven by the fear-driven belief that, if we just think long and hard enough, we can protect ourselves (and our loved ones) from pain and harm.
SO, HEREāS THE TRUTH: We donāt have the means to make people and things exactly as we want them. We just arenāt that powerful.
AND, HEREāS THE GOOD NEWS: We can find peace of mind and contentment in the midst of our fearful feelings and thoughts. Why? BECAUSE WE CAN CHOOSE WHAT FILLS OUR MIND.
HOW? Meditation, walks outside, stretching, yoga, prayer, reading or watching inspiring books/movies, spiritual practices, energy work, and thought-correction can all soothe our most difficult feelings. Good healthy friends or counselors really help too.
When we get still and listen to our inner wisdom (or that of another), we receive the comfort of ACCEPTANCE (non-attachment to specific outcomes). Further, we find ways to address those problems that still bother usāIF they are still bothering us (quite often, theyāve shrunken down to nothing!).
NEXT TIME YOUR FEELINGS are having a hissy fit, stand apart from them for a moment to recognize theyāre mostly a result of inaccurate and disturbing thoughts. Then, ask yourself, āWhat healthy actions can I take to soothe my mind and body?ā And then, do that!
PLEASE SHARE YOUR FAVORITE WAYS OF SOOTHING UPSET FEELINGS IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. THANKS!!
Gigi Langer, PhD. Many years ago, I used alcohol, romance, and professional accomplishments to soothe my frayed nerves. When I quit drinking, I was left with only my fears and worries. Over time, I discovered effective tools from therapy, recovery proĀgrams, scientific research, and a variety of philosophical and spiritual teachings.
My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Nowdescribes how I and others have defeated the faulty thinking leading to dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, addiction, and worry about loved ones. It contains practical strategies with directions, personal stories, and other helpful suggestions. Amazon: 4.8 stars (48 reviews) (Buy Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)
Karen Casey, best-selling author of Each Day a New Beginning (Hazelden) āEven though I have been in recovery for more than 4 decades, and didnāt think another self-help book would make it to my treasured list, I was wrong. This book is a winner.ā
My Mom & Dad Married 9/14/1939 Cece and Ted Mohlman
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, my story will be familiar. I only hope that you’ve found the people and programs to help you heal. Here’s how I began to grow out of the negative thoughts and worries from my childhood. (Excerpted from 50 Ways to Worry Less Now.)
My Mom and Dad: “Doin’ the Best They Can”
I was the fourth child of a charming, alcoholic father and a mother who spent her life worrying about him. Many evenings weād find Mom lying alone on her bed reading a book, gloomy and sad as she listened for the crunch of Dadās car tires on the driveway. Too often, that sound never came and she sank lower and lower into her sadness.
Partying with friends was the mainstay of my parentsā lives.
The stereo got louder and louder as the drinks got stronger and stronger. Some
nights, after the guests had left, we were awakened by crashes and Momās
screams. I lay frozen in my bed as the whispered lie āIāll never be safeā sank
into my bones.
What Is A Dysfunctional Family, Anyway??
In alcoholic and other dysfunctional families, the dominant
messages are: Donāt feel, donāt trust, and donāt tell anyone about it. The āitā
is the proverbial āelephant in the roomā; although everyone is aware of it,
they quickly deny it.
In the absence of honest communication about my dadās drinking, we children began to invent stories to explain the swirling tension in the air. I birthed a new whispered lie: āI must be a bad person if my parents wonāt give me time or attention.ā
Family alcoholism isnāt the only condition that can stunt a childās sense of security and worth. Any trauma that causes ongoing despair can become the elephant in the room: death of a family member, physical impairment, mental illness, gambling, drug addiction, violence, chronic illness, foster care, sexual abuse, or neglect. In such cases, the troubling situations consume the familyās attention, and the emotional needs of the children often go unmet. These deficits launch the child on a lifelong search for love and safety without a road map.
According to Janet G. Woititzās Adult Children of Alcoholics and Tian Daytonās The ACoA Trauma Syndrome: The Impact of Childhood Pain on Adult Relationships, adult children of alcoholics and trauma victims tend to share several characteristics
Fear losing control; are overly responsible; have trouble relaxing and having fun;
Fear their emotions or feelings; confuse pity with love; have difficulties with intimacy;
Fear abandonment; constantly seek approval;
Self-criticize; have low self-esteem;
Deny reality; avoid conflict; adopt a victim mentality; become comfortable living in chaos and drama;
Overreact to outside changes; when afraid, see everything and everyone in extremes;
Adopt compulsive behaviors; have an attraction to compulsive personalities; and
Suffer from frequent physical illness and an accumulation of grief.
Healing Begins (with A Lot of Help from My Friends!)
When I first learned about these tendencies, I felt hopeless. Then I heard these empowering words: I am not to blame for what happened to me as a child; but I am responsible for healing my past. For more information and support, see https://adultchildren.org/
After I got sober in 1986 and the fog cleared, I sought therapy for many of the tendencies that had been screwing up my life. My therapist suggested I attend Twelve-Step meetings called “Adult Children of Alcoholics.” In those meetings, I felt uncomfortable as others talked about experiences similar to mine, but at the same time I felt a giddy sense of relief. I realized I wasnāt alone; and if others had the courage to recover, so could I.
As I continued to work with my therapist, I discovered that I still felt, deep inside, like a defenseless little girl. In an inner-child healing exercise, I visualized locking my mindās critical voices in a lead-lined vault. I then greeted my imaginary little girl with love and asked if she would talk with me.
As my therapist coached me, I told my inner child I loved her and praised her for being so brave in our crazy home. I thanked her for inventing strategies to keep us secure, and explained that she could let go of her perfectionism and other defenses. Finally, I assured her that she could trust meāher adult self, powered by loveāto keep us safe and happy.
These exercises helped me see my divorces and addictions as merely misguided attempts to find love and security. I let go of my self-condemnation and began to believe I could be happy. Since then, I’ve never stopped growing.
An Invitation
If you’ve had experiences similar to those described here, I wish you courage and freedom from the past. I welcome you to comment on your journey of healing. and how your found support. For more information, see https://adultchildren.org/
NOTE: This article is taken from Chapter 5 of my book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, which shares the entire story and the tools I discovered as I grew into the happy, healthy woman I am now. This growth has been one of the greatest miracles of my life, but I did not do it alone.
Gigi Langer holds a PhD from Stanford University in Psychological Studies in Education. Sheās an award-winning teacher and writer with 33 years clean and sober. Her new book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now won the National Indie Excellence Award and rates 4.8 stars on Amazon. The AUDIOBOOK is due in mid-September 2019 (Audible, Amazon, i-tunes). Tune in at GigiLanger.com