Overcoming Worry & Doubt Archives - Page 23 of 40

January 20, 2020January 27, 2020

Honesty Will Set You Free, But Denial Won’t

“Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others.” Dostoevsky

What secrets have you been keeping from yourself? Perhaps you’re worried about your own well-being or a loved one’s overworking, drinking, or depression. Even though these worries occasionally get your attention, when they die down again, they’re easy to forget. But that would be a mistake if you really want to be free.

The Truth Will Set You Free

The foundation of much unhappiness is denial, a coping mechanism that allows a person to reject a painful truth too uncomfortable to accept. Denial’s voice emphatically whispers, “I don’t want to admit the truth; and if I did, I just couldn’t handle it.”

As the saying goes, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” All the concerns listed above, as well as overeating, sleeping too much, obsessing about politics, or trying to control loved ones, are the unhealthy distractions of people flirting with denial.

In spite of these defenses, the pain hiding underneath the secret emerges, perhaps in a burst of outrage or in a bothersome sense of unrest in the gut. Tight shoulders, jaw clenching, headaches, frequent illness, and a host of other complaints may be symptoms of stifled truths and feelings.

Denial and Blaming Keep Us Stuck

For many of us, denial has been protective, softening the blows of life with a cocoon of forgetting. But denial, when held onto for too long, can keep us from facing up to and learning from our experiences.

We humans have a great tendency to avoid responsibility for our part in a difficult situation. Imagine you’ve just had a heated argument with your partner. As you replay the incident, you think, “It’s not my fault,” “He should not have said that,” or “If only he would be more understanding.” While these statements might be partially true, this kind of blaming only keeps you stuck.

What if, instead of blaming him, you honestly considered your own part in the disagreement? For example, you might discover you’ve been demanding, moody, or critical. You could then do the work to overcome the false belief that your partner must be perfect. Eventually, you find yourself focusing on his strengths instead of his faults. Perhaps you learn to state your own needs as preferences rather than demands. Eventually, your relationship begins to grow and thrive.

Select one troubling area in your life and work through it using the strategies and tools I offer in “50 Ways to Worry Less Now.” [This excerpt is taken from Chapter 2, “Getting Honest about Your Worries.”] Get started now with this “Honesty Check-Up.”

Honesty Check-Up

Write about these questions (My own answers are below)

What damaging aspects of your character (false beliefs) are you denying?
How would your life be better without them?
What is the cost of not dealing with them?
What steps are you willing to take to free yourself from this pattern?

My current false belief is “I’m not working hard enough to help my book reach a lot of people.”
Without this belief, I could be relaxed, calm, and fully present with my husband and friends. I would be more outgoing and positive.
The costs of denying this belief are continued stress, stomach problems, not enjoying the present moment, and negative self-talk.
I am meditating regularly, praying for a new way of seeing my book’s “success,” and will discuss my concerns with my spiritual advisor.

Gigi Langer, a person in recovery, holds a Ph.D. in Psychological Studies in Education and an MA in Psychology from Stanford University. Through her writing, coaching, and speaking, Gigi has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and at work. She lives in Michigan with her husband and Murphy, her cat.

Get Gigi’s new book, “50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking” is available in audio, e-book, and paperback (5 Stars on Amazon). Click HERE

“Valuable, heartfelt manual.” — Publishers Weekly (BookLife)

“This book is a winner.” -Karen Casey, Hazelden author

January 13, 2020January 27, 2020

LET GOD TAKE OVER OUR WORRIES!

“Over control is spiritually deadening. When we let God do the worrying, we find many possibilities open up,” (Touchstones by Hazelden)

Our Worries Deaden Our Spirit

“Spiritually deadening” is a great description of our worries, fears and overthinking. Lost in thoughts of the future and past, we’re numb to the beauty and love available in this very moment—the only one we actually have.

I must confess that I’ve been worrying for the past few weeks. I just couldn’t get myself to write the next blog or newsletter. So, I took a break from writing and promotion to restore my energy and enthusiasm.

Acceptance is the key to flowing with my varying levels of motivation. Instead of judging myself harshly, I consider what “good” reasons I have to be somewhat depleted. Certainly, autumn was pretty intense with getting the audio book launched and various presentations. Recognizing this gives me self-compassion and allows me to take a break.

What’s Really Bothering Me

But, I must admit, what’s really been kicking my serenity in the ass is this: my worries about my various aches and pains. Although they’re minor, they certainly do amp up my negativity and fear.

Physical pain takes me back to my past suffering with two frozen shoulders, surgery, back pain, etc. As I project into the future, I imagine it will be even worse than those experiences. Those fears cause me to try to control my pain by worrying about the problem rather than the (spiritual) solution (see blog)–thus the “spiritual deadening” I’ve been feeling.

It’s all too easy to fall into the illusion that, if I analyze the sources of pain, use ice, exercise properly, and avoid the “wrong activities,” I’ll be able to control it. But such preoccupations only keep me stuck in thoughts of suffering, And we all know this singular truth: What occupies our minds manifests in our lives. So, I knew things had to change.

Physical pain has often served my spiritual growth by getting me humble and on my knees. Eventually, I notice my mental misery and enlist a power greater than my fears to overcome them.

Solutions for Our Worries: Waking up Spirit

I can hasten my willingness to claim spiritual power by increasing my self-care: meetings, helping others, praying, meditating, journaling, reading, and talking to a spiritual advisor. It’s similar to filling up our mental “sanity bank” with wisdom and faith that dissolves our worries.

Of course breathing in spiritual strength and breathing out negativity is a great place to start. A quick “Help me to see this differently” or “All is well” can settle down our worries. The Serenity Prayer connects us to acceptance, courage and power when we’re imprisoned by doubt.

So, I’ve been following my own advice and using the tools presented in “Worry Less Now.” Who knew that I’d need to use them so often and so consistently throughout my life!?

It’s just proof that, as humans, we’re often tempted by our worries and fears. Fortunately, with experience, we learn how to return to sanity, trust, and peace of mind.

When we we awaken from the dreams we’ve been lost in, we can fully inhabit our life, savoring its present sensations. The feel of our breath filling our body. The smell of a gardenia. The beauty of a palm tree ruffled by the breeze. The taste of cilantro.

A Celebration!!

I’m so grateful to share the tools that have helped me discover my true, wise, god-self, even in the midst of life’s challenges. And, I’m grateful for something else, too!!

On Jan 11, I celebrated 34 years without a drink or drug. Many of you reading this have played a large role in my recovery. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

To celebrate, I’m still giving away free tokens for my audiobook of “Worry Less Now.” Just use the Contact Form here to claim it.

New Podcast!

If you haven’t listened to any of my interviews on podcasts, I think this is one of the best. Omar Pinto (SHAIR podcast) is a gifted interviewer and a wonderful guy. Listen to it here: PODCAST “Worry Less in Sobriety. “

Get Gigi’s new book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking. available in audio, e-book, and paperback. 5 STARS! (Amazon) Click HERE

“Valuable, heartfelt manual.” — Publishers Weekly (BookLife)

“This book is a winner.” -Karen Casey, Hazelden author

December 21, 2019December 21, 2019

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! 🌠🎄🎁

Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it! I hope you have a wonderful time with your friends and family.

Peter and I are driving to Texas tomorrow to be with my sister for Christmas. Should be fun!

Thank you to each and every one of you for your interest in my writing.

I appreciate your support so much! And so does Murphy, my little writing buddy.

December 12, 2019December 13, 2019

SHRED YOUR NEGATIVITY—EVEN IN HOLIDAY TRAFFIC!

HERE’S A SITUATION SURE TO KICK OFF NEGATIVITY: Imagine you’re on your way to an important doctor appointment and you’ve left just a little late. You find yourself waiting in a long line of cars with left-turn signals blinking.

When the cars finally begin to inch forward, you realize you might not make it through the light. You look at your watch, clench your jaw, and think, “I can’t miss this appointment.” Your stomach begins to churn as you imagine having to wait several more weeks to see the doctor.

Suddenly, a big black car cuts in front of you. He’s the last one to make it through the light. You bang your hands on the steering wheel and yell, “Who in the hell does he think he is?” Then your mind whispers, “I’ll never get in to see the doctor! My symptoms will get worse and I’ll suffer even more. Why does this always happen to me?”

NEGATIVITY: THE CONSEQUENCES

It’s hard to keep such incidents from prompting a hissy fit, often with dire results. For instance, we might drive recklessly in the traffic or speak rudely to the doctor’s receptionist.

Or, when we arrive home, our frustration might cause us to hurt a loved one with critical or impatient words.

AN ALTERNATIVE APPROACH

I’ll bet you’ve had similar experiences, especially with holiday traffic. I sure have. But after years of working with my negative thinking, I’ve discovered how to change it through Honesty, Power, Choice, and Growth Tools. Here’s how it looks in the traffic situation.

First, the driver honestly admits how upset she is, and tunes into the tension in her jaw and belly. She then notices, without judgment, her negative thoughts—for example, “I just thought ‘That guy is a real jerk!’ and I’ve convinced myself I’ll never make it to my appointment.”

She follows that realization with “If I can stop worrying, I can access the power of clarity.” She then makes the choice to cease upsetting herself.

She might seek a different perspective by thinking, “I have no control over this traffic. This would be frustrating for anyone. I’m willing to trust that I’ll get to the doctor at just the right time.”

To move her focus away from her irritation and fear, she applies the following growth tools.

She begins with the tool of deep breathing. In her calmer state, she tries to feel compassion toward the driver who cut her off. Perhaps he’s had a bad day or family emergency.

Finally, she uses visualization to imagine the office receptionist being helpful and kind. As her negative thinking continues to make a bid for her attention, she persists in using these tools.

In a short time, the next right action occurs to her. She thinks, “I’m going to call the receptionist and ask if I can keep my appointment if I’m thirty minutes late.” When her call is put on hold, she breathes calmly.

Soon, she learns that the doctor is behind schedule and being late is no problem. She relaxes and enjoys the ride.

ISN’T THIS APPROACH PRETTY PASSIVE?

Perhaps you’re thinking that the driver should have been more assertive, perhaps by immediately seeking a detour.

*Here’s an important point: Using these strategies does not mean that you never take strong action.*

They simply allow you to delay acting until you’ve gained a little wisdom. As a result of your new perspective, if you are meant to do something, you’ll have the direction you need.

Unfortunately, we don’t have as much control over external events as we might imagine, and fretting or forcing a solution often just makes things worse.

Next time you’re irked by traffic, try applying honesty, power, choices, and growth tools. You can experience the peace and goodwill of the season, no matter what!!

Gigi Langer, a Stanford PhD, is a former teacher who quit drinking, only to find that her negative thinking, judging, and fears kept her in a cycle of worry, codependency, chronic pain, perfectionism, and overworking. Her award-winning book “50 Ways to Worry Less Now” (Amazon 4.8 stars) is available in paper, e-book, and audiobook. Honest, practical, simple. Relevant to anyone! Buy it here GigiLanger.com/buy

Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

Category: Overcoming Worry & Doubt