For years, people told me I was too âthin-skinnedâ or âhigh–maintenance.â When I looked around at others, they didnât seem to take things so personally, or to be bothered by loud noises and bright lights. What was wrong with me? About ten years ago I discovered the answer: Iâm a âhighly sensitive personâ and Iâm NOT alone. Indeed, about 20% of the population shares this trait.
Youâll be happy to hear that these characteristics are quite respected in many societies where the sensitive ones become advisors and sages.
But, in our Western culture, being highly sensitive isnât always understood or valued. Thatâs why some of us so often feel on the outside looking in.
So, if you think you might be a highly sensitive person or have a loved one that is, take the quiz on Aronâs website and check out her blog, âComfort Zone.â
The healthiest path for us sensitive folks is to value who we are and take good care of ourselves.
Self-Care for Highly Sensitive People
If you can relate, here are a few suggestions for self-care.
Reduce your exposure to loud, dramatic input: news programs, social media, argumentative friends/family, etc.
Schedule downtime to rest, meditate, read, and renew after a busy day or after lots of social activity.
Sleep enough, eat well and limit caffeine intake.
Treat yourself to the enjoyment of beauty: take a walk, savor a sunset, etc.
Hang out with loving people who like you exactly the way you are.
Avoid bright lights and loud background noise (if they bother you).
Remind yourself that your sensitivity makes you creative, empathetic, and loving.
If, like me, you are highly sensitive, please share a few of your insights here. Thanks!
In Worry Less Now, Gigi shares her personal journey as a prisoner of fear, worry, and substance abuse, along with practical techniques anyone can use. Award-winner with rave reviews: Amazon 4.8 stars.
Get special offers on the paperback, e-book, and audiobook HERE.
Gigi Langer has been sober 34 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the âQueen of Worry,â Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Michigan with her husband, Peter and her cat, Murphy.
So many of us are afraid there’s something deep down inside us that is essentially bad. Even worse, we think if we uncover it (for example in therapy), we’ll fall apart.
Whether it’s an old wound, family dysfunction, trauma, shame, or guilt, we mistakenly believe that we just can’t handle looking at it. Better to leave it there, undisturbed.
Unfortunately, burying such wounds–or just blaming our unhappiness on them–gets us nowhere.
In fact, many engage in vigorous denial by staying busy with work, shopping, eating, gambling, or substance abuse. Others just fall ill, as if being eaten away by the hidden misdeeds.
Anything will do to distract us from that deluge of awful feelings and shame, waiting deep inside us to break free.
Here I talk briefly how this fear did not come true for me–and, trust me, there was some pretty awful stuff down in there. But, the pain did not come gushing out all at once. Rather, my healing occurred in layers, guided by healthy friends and a higher power.
Hear more about it here.
Get Gigi’s book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now HERE in paperback, e-book, aor udiobook). It has received a national award and rave reviews (4.8 on Amazon).
Gigi Langer holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. She is a seasoned author and popular speaker who has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and work. Gigi hasnât had a drug or drink for over 30 years, although she does occasionally overindulge in Ghirardelli chocolate and historical novels. She lives in Florida with her husband, Peter, and her cat, Murphy.
Do you spend too much time thinking about the things you wish you could change, but really can’t? Would you like to change your negative thoughts to positive ones? Try the “No-Worries Exercise!”
Our Worries Are Caused by Negative Beliefs
Most of our worries are driven by negative beliefs. For instance, the belief, If I want to be liked, I must look good, produces worries about oneâs appearance and behavior. Other examples include: * Iâll never have enough money. (Worry about finances and security.) * I always sabotage my success. (Worry about not being good enough) * Relationships just donât work for me. (Worry about never having a happy marriage.) * We could all be happy if only Dad would stop drinking. (Worry about Dad’s disruption of the family.)
Although such “whispered lies” are often about ourselves, they also can focus on our children, spouses, friends, or relatives; for instance, the last example about the fatherâs drinking. Other distressing beliefs involve institutions, as in If the government would just change this policy, weâd all be better off (Worry about politics and security).
Such negative beliefs sap our energy and keep us spinning in circles, as we repeat the same old dysfunctional patterns and blame the world for our unhappiness.
Here’s the good news for all of us: Even though we don’t have the power to change most things that bother us, we DO have control over what we think. As we change our thoughts from negative to positive, our world changes accordingly. The No-Worries Exercise will help you do this.
The No-Worries Exercise
In this exercise, youâll identify your worries and their consequences. Then you’ll imagine your life without these negative effects, set a goal, and choose specific tools to change your thinking. Begin by reading the three examples below. The first is one of my own worries; the second and third examples concern other common situations. Then, follow the directions at the bottom.
Examples
Gigiâs Worry: Iâm never going to finish this book!
My thoughts, beliefs, or feelings: It will never be good enough. Itâs just too much work!
Consequences of holding these thoughts, beliefs, or feelings:I am tense and preoccupied when I think I should be writing, so I rush through other activities without really enjoying them. I compare myself with other authors and feel even worse.
If I could grow beyond this worry, what would my life be like? I could relax and enjoy myself when I’m not writing. I could be more compassionate with myself and accept that writing a book is not smooth or easy for anyone.
Goal: I trust that the book is on just the right schedule, and I release my attachment to it being completed by a particular date.Tools: Affirmations, Golden Key, Tapping.
Second Worry: Iâm afraid to go to my high school reunion.
Thoughts, beliefs, or feelings:Iâm depressed because Iâm too fat. People will criticize me.
Consequences of holding these thoughts, beliefs, or feelings:Iâm eating to ease my stress. If I donât go, Iâll feel terrible about missing everything.
If I could grow beyond this worry, what would my life be like?I could relax and enjoy my friends without feeling self-conscious.
Goal: I am comfortable with my weight and eat only when hungry. Tools: Therapy, meditation, Weight Watchers.
Third Worry: Iâm concerned my adult son may have had a relapse.
Thoughts, beliefs, or feelings:Iâm terrified and I have no idea what to do. I could never go on if something bad happened to him.
Consequences of holding these thoughts, beliefs, or feelings: Iâm so worried. Iâm just stuck. I canât enjoy anything. Iâm numbing myself out with overwork.
If I could grow beyond this worry, what would my life be like?I would trust that I will be okay, regardless of the outcome. I could enjoy my life again.
Goal: I enjoy my own life and accept my son’s choices without judgement .Tools: AlAnonmeetings, read “Codependent No More,” meditate daily. (Therapy?)
Directions: No-Worries Exercise
After reading the examples, think about a situation thatâs troubling you. To get the juices flowing, you might write or draw in your journal, or talk about it with a trusted friend. On a piece of paper, write your answers to questions 1-4. Then go into action to with your worry-dissolving tools.
Select one worry for this exercise, and write your own thoughts, beliefs, or feelings about it.
Underneath it, describe how this worry and its associated beliefs have caused trouble for you or your loved ones.
If you could grow beyond this worry, what would your life be like? How would it look and feel?
Set a goal for releasing this pattern of worry and list 2-3 tools from Worry Less Now (or elsewhere) to help you overcome your negative thinking.
After you complete the No-Worries Exercise, pat yourself on the back for taking the first steps toward freedom from your worries. Now, put your plans into action!
As you focus on improving the content of your thinking, your emotions will be more stable, and your positive stance toward life will bring pleasing benefits.
P.S. If you find that looking so closely at your troubles is causing ongoing distress, please consult with a counselor, doctor, minister, or healthy friend.
PLEASE SHARE YOUR PROGRESS WITH ME ATwww.gigilanger.com/contact-me, or on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. Or just email me at glanger1@att.net I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU!
This post is taken from Chapter 1 of Gigi’s book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now (availableHERE in paperback, e-book, & audiobook). It has received a national award and rave reviews (4.8 on Amazon).
Gigi Langerholds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. She is a seasoned author and popular speaker who has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and work. Gigi hasnât had a drug or drink for over 30 years, although she does occasionally overindulge in Ghirardelli chocolate and historical novels. She lives in Florida with her husband and cat.
I used to be the “Queen of Worry,” biting my nails and stressing about everything. After I quit drinking, I found I still had a major “thinking” problem. When hardships arose, however, I couldn’t drink them away, so I had to learn other ways to deal with my fears and insecurities.
After several years of challenges and discoveries, I had built up such an effective set of tools that I rarely found myself worrying. In 2011, I grouped these tools into five simple strategies: HP-CPR. You can think of it as “Higher-Powered CPR” for the terrified heart and mind.
HP-CPR
HP-CPR: Honestly claiming a loving Power, we Choose our future and use Growth Practices to get there. Here’s a quick summary, followed by an illustration.
HONESTY: âHereâs whatâs really going on inside me.â Admit that your worrying has kept you stuck in unhappiness.
POWER: âI claim courage and intuitive direction.â Claim a source of positive power to overcome your worries through your mind, spirit, and/or body energy.
CHOICE: âThis is what I want and Iâm going for it!â Choose a new future andcommit to do the necessary work to achieve it.
PRACTICES: âIâm actively connecting with loving power to grow as needed.â Consistently use a variety of tools to dissolve your worries.
RESULTS: “Here it is!” As you gain a peaceful perspective, you will act with wisdom, heal past wounds, repair relationships, and find true happiness.
HP-CPR At Work
One night, my friend Mary called and asked for my advice after meeting the affluent mother of her daughterâs friend. When the woman asked Mary where she lived, Mary didnât want to say she resided in a small apartment with her three children, so she gave a vague answer. After this encounter, Mary began worrying about how she responded.
Honesty: Mary began our conversation by honestly describing the situation and her embarrassment. Together we identified her negative self-talk (whispered lies): âIâm a loser,â and âPeople will only like me if I match their standard of living.â She also admitted that her need to look good in the eyes of others was a long-standing problem.
Power: Mary felt powerless over her negative thinking and past efforts to correct it. By talking with me, a trusted friend, she began to claim the power and courage to overcome her fears. As we talked together over the next few weeks, I encouraged Mary to use prayer and meditation to connect with her source of loving power.
Choice: I asked Mary to write a statement of what she most wanted in her life as if it had already happened. She wrote: âI have freedom from my self-punishing thoughts and my family is economically secure.â She read the statement aloud as often as possible, visualized it as if it were already done, and felt gratitude for the anticipated results.
Practices: Mary used the following growth practicesto overcome her worrisome whispered lies. 1) The Golden Key: Every time she noticed herself worrying, she shifted her thoughts toward any connection she felt with positive power. Because she had a religious affiliation, she chose to focus on God. 2) Gratitude list: Mary wrote a daily list of three things she was grateful for, without repeating any of the items listed.
My conversations with Mary began in January. During the next few months, she met with me, connected with her higher power, affirmed her life choices, and used the suggested tools. She even added some new ones; for example, she increased her participation in a support group.
Results: In March, Mary experienced what she described as âa miracle.â She was freed from her worries and self-judgment; and she found peace with her current living situation. A month later, Mary was offered a lease on a gorgeous three-bedroom home for very low rent. To top it off, just as I was revising this chapter, she called with news about her work promotion with a big pay raise.
Patience, Persistence, and Support
Notice that Maryâs changes did not come all at once. She followed the steps of HP-CPR with patience and determination.
Another of her crucial actions was joining with others. When weâre in the grip of our worries, seeking help is the last thing that occurs to many of us. By connecting with healthy others, however, we can explore questions such as, âHow might I see this differently?â âWhat do I want as an outcome?â or âWhat growth tools might help me?â
How do you overcome your own fears and worries, and who supports your growth with encouragement and wisdom? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
(Excerpt taken from page 6-8 of Gigi Langerâs award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now. For another illustration of these steps, see this post.)
Gigi Langer holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. She is a seasoned author and popular speaker who has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and work. Gigi hasnât had a drug or drink for over 30 years, although she does occasionally overindulge in Ghirardelli chocolate and historical novels.
Gigi’s book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now has gained rave reviews (4.8 on Amazon) and a publishing award. Get it HERE in paperback, e-book, or audiobook.
