At any moment, especially when we’re quiet (or when our hearts are breaking), we can receive such glimmers of truth shining into our being, reassuring us that we are whole and safe in this life. I am so thankful for discovering the strength of my true self in a world where my heart sometimes beats to the blinding force of fear.
Who is your true self? It’s the you who knows intuitively the next right thing to do, has healthy friends to consult, can feel the pain of life and heal it, and who brings love and service to those you encounter.
How do we grow away from our fearful self and into our true self? For the past 30 years, I’ve joined with many inspired mentors to apply the teachings of the Twelve Steps and A Course in Miracles (ACIM) to every aspect of my life. My experience, and that of millions of others, suggests that we can claim our true heart and life by:
Opening our hearts. We are here to move away from a life dominated by fear, defenses, and criticism toward a life of love, acceptance, and compassion.
Connecting our hearts. As we experience our internal state tipping from love to fear, we join with others to give and receive inspiration and care.
Following these two paths has healed my most troubling problems: codependency, sexual abuse, chronic pain, divorce, worry about loved ones, perfectionism, and job stress. Now I enjoy peace of mind and serenity, no matter my circumstances. I hope awakening to your true self will bring you similar benefits.
Gigi Langer, PhD has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and at work. She’s written several books for educators, and is a sought-after speaker and workshop leader. Gigi holds a doctorate in Psychology in Education, and an MA in Psychology, both from Stanford.
Recently, I taught Session #2 of the Worry Less Now group of 10 wonderful women. During the session, I felt rushed and tense–possibly because I had planned too many things for the 75 minutes. So, I made some mistakes: I omitted the prayer at the beginning; and during our Masterminding, more than once I forgot a crucial step and one of the participants had to remind me.
Although I laughed about it at the time, afterwards, I felt ashamed due to my old flaw of perfectionism. The ego grabbed my mental microphone, whispering lies about how I had embarrassed myself. Then I tried to figure out why I had made the mistakes, in the false hope that I would never do so again. This self-punishment exhausted me, subtly draining my enthusiasm over the next few days.
By Sunday, I finally acknowledged the cloud over my head and my wise voice said, “We need some time to get our head straight. Noone can make me do a F!#*ing thing tomorrow.”
I cleared my calendar, had coffee with my husband, and then lay down for a healing session with God. First, my kitty came and cuddled up on my lap (how does she know just when to appear?). I relaxed my body and breathed slowly as I imagined Mother Mary at my head, God on my left side, Jesus at my feet, and the Holy Spirit on my right side. As I said the Lord‘s prayer, their loving presence soothed my jagged feelings.
Then something surprising happened: several dark strands of false beliefs appeared to be lifted out of my body, dismantling my belief that I couldn’t be loved unless I was perfect.
Is It True? Is It Really True?
At the next session I had planned to talk about Byron Katie’s “The Work” and, as I lay in perfect peace, I had a great idea: I could illustrate the use of this tool with my perfectionism’s whispered lie: “I should not make mistakes.” My answers to the four questions are:
Is It True? Yes
Is It Completely True? No.
What’s the Emotional Cost? I admitted how much pain and tension this belief had caused me,
What Could My Life Be without The Belief? I could relax in loving acceptance of myself when making mistakes.
Turnaround #1: “I should not make mistakes” becomes “I should make mistakes.”
How is this statement as true or truer than the first one? Perhaps the pain of my mistakes made me humble enough to admit that I am not God; I’m only human, and mistakes have nothing to do with my security or lovability. It could also be true because it creates a teaching opportunity for my class and a chance to illustrate how I too get hung up by my ego.
Turnaround #2: “I should not make mistakes” becomes “They should not make mistakes.” How is this as true or truer that the original statement? I saw my ego in living color as I sat and criticized people on TV and social media. Then God showed me that since we are all connected, my judging others separates me from them and from God too. Hmm, not God’s will!
Then, this turnaround came into my receptive mind: “I should not make mistakes” became “God should not make mistakes.” Slowly, the tears began to flow; I can’t explain why, really; perhaps I thought that if God could make mistakes, then we were all screwed. I knew this could not be true, as God has been the only reliable source of love and safety in my life.
What Have I Learned?
So, what have I learned from doing “The Work” with my whispered lie, “I should not make mistakes,” and its corollary, “If I do, I can’t be loved.”
-By believing I must be perfect, I was “easing God out” and opening the door to self- condemnation, which is not God‘s will.
-Releasing that false belief allowed love to flow back into my heart, restoring my energy and connection with God.
-Turning the whispered lie around taught me that I cannot separate myself from God and others without causing myself misery.
-Finally, I believe my letting go of my false beliefs helps others do the same.
I am so grateful that my spirits inspired me to write this, share it with my class, and perhaps include it in my new book. And most of all, I’m glad that God helped me shed another layer of perfectionism!
Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.
My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to reject the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE
My friend, Maureen Power added this reading to her 1990 recording of A Course in Miraclesworkbook lesson titles. I’ve been unable to find its source.
But, reading it has changed my life. I hope you too find inspiration in these words.
With deep Love from Gigi Langer, December 2021
“So dear are you to me. I see you struggle and let go, struggle, and let go again.
“And that is the dance of life. Seek not to end the dance. The earthly dance moves from ballroom to ballroom, from dance floor to dance floor. The cosmic dance moves from era to era. But the dance must continue until all the music has been heard.
“You learn the dance of prosperity and the dance of scarcity, until you realize that all the dances are the same. You move to the rhythm, sway to the beat. You pause to start again. You feel the heartbeat of the music until your heart and the beat of the music are one. Then that dance is over.
“Worry not, my child. All earthly experiences teach only one thing: That you are a child of a loving God who punishes you not. You’ve elected to learn these lessons so that you can be free. You can’t be free until you have faced, and then walked through, your worst fear. What your worst fear is changes from time to time.
“Walking through your worst fear transforms it into an old meaningless fear. Then a new worst fear will come to take its place. Call the fear poverty, rejection, abandonment, loneliness, death, meaninglessness, or helplessness. Walk through them you will, until they are all gone.
“What you forget is that you don’t have to walk through them alone. I am here and will walk through them with you. Trust me, my child. Ask not that any specific burden be lifted. Ask instead for my presence to walk through with you. We are simply rendering the barriers to love harmless by walking through them together.
“The human experience provides all these lessons to all who walk through them. You walk through them with pain and sorrow if you choose to do it alone. Or you walk through them with peace and joy if you take me along.
“Ask me to guide you. Ask me not to solve what you perceive as your problems. What you perceive as problems are dreams, and dreams are not real. Practice fearlessness, my child. Turn over all your fears to me. My way will lead you to discover the light which is already within you.
“The thoughts of the mind are undisciplined, but the mind is at home in the heart of God. Call to me dear soul. When you call from the part of your heart that knows we are together still, I will be there, and you will be here in an instant.
“Peace and joy to you, dear one. Only joy and peace are eternal. All else is illusion. You have been to joy and peace, and you do know the truth. Ask me to remember, and I will. Peace. Peace. Peace.”
Source Unknown. My friend, Maureen Power added this reading to her recording of A Course in Miracles workbook lesson titles. I’ve been unable to find its source. Perhaps you can? If so, please send it to me at [email protected]. Thanks!
In the meantime, please let its loving message bring you peaceand joy every time you read it.
Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.
My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to reject the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)
For the past two months, my dear Peter has been quite ill. You may remember that he’s my fourth husband, after many failures due to codependence and substance abuse. I’ve now had the blessing of 32 ½ happy years with a caring, responsible, and extremely fun partner.
I love him dearly and am grateful for every day together. Don’t get me wrong, though; I haven’t made him into my higher power as I did with so many other men. No, I stand in the strength of spirit, and we hold hands as we meet life’s adventures together. So, in this latest adventure, we recently learned that Peter has significant heart disease; and then yesterday, he had all the signs of a heart attack! So went to the ER, and they kept him at the hospital overnight. YIKES! So, how do we handle things that are scaring the shit out of us? A well-worn statement from Alanon is: The more we talk about the problem, the less we focus on the solution. So, let’s get to the solutions:
focusing on love rather than fear,
not numbing my feelings, and
clinging to strong supportive friends.
Not Scaring Myself: Choosing Love
Thank God, I recently signed up for Carol Howe’s short daily recordings of ACIM (A Course in Miracles) lessons. ACIM teaches us over and over that our fearful, self-centered mind (ego) causes our upsets because it always “thinks” something is keeping us from getting what we want. For example, my fearful voice was crying, “Will I be left alone? Can I handle Peter’s declining health?” You can see these are all ego-questions about “me, myself, and I.” But these imaginings are only projections of past pain onto the future. They have nothing to do with the truth. My only path to peace is to reject the ego’s lies and focus on Love. So, I chose new thoughts: ”I will not see this situation through fear; I see it only through Love. Nothing can separate me from goodness; and the same goes for Peter. All is well.”
Staying Present with Support
During my tough times, I have two non-negotiables:
I mustn’t consistently numb myself out with drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, or overactivity. I sure did eat a lot of sugar this week; and I’ve been known to veg out in front of movies to soften the blow of fear. But I don’t do this for long, and I continue my footwork. If I go for days with self-numbing and no positive self-care, I am in trouble and need help.
I must reach out for support from friends on a similar growth path. This is not usually a family member or romantic interest; and it’s not someone who judges or tries to fix me. Most of my support buddies are healthy, sober women.
Your Prayers Rock!
So yesterday, I sent out a call for prayer and support from my recovery buddies, and WOW! did they ever pull through! I got so many sweet, comforting texts (Some who sent them are reading this, and I thank you SO much!) Here’s one example from my dear friend, Eileen, who sent this request to Rosary Circle, Carolyn Myss’ prayer community: “Please pray for Peter, the husband of my dear friend, Gigi. Peter has been ill for a couple of months with influenza B and was recently diagnosed with heart disease. Please visualize Peter eagerly learning about cardiovascular disease and embracing the dietary and lifestyle changes that will improve his health. Pray that he finds educational resources that fit his needs and budget, that he experiences hope and that he feels the love of family and friends. Bless Gigi as she supports Peter and bless his caregivers as they develop an effective and efficient plan to monitor and treat him. We gratefully anticipate Peter’s return to health that he may use his life to serve you.” Thank you, thank you, thank you. It is done!
The Good News
Tonight we came home from the ER with a good report: Altho’ Peter has heart disease, he has not had a heart attack, and he passed the stress test quite well! (He does still have Influenza B even though we had flu shots). But, there is so much to be grateful for. I am so glad I’ve learned to keep my serenity bank full by praying, meditating, and joining with my friends in AA, Alanon, and ACIM. When the scary times hit, I can call on that reserve to help us through it with trust and calm.
Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.
