When we finally stop trying to fix our challenges on our own, the golden moment of surrender arrives. We realize we must find a way to reconnect with the wisdom of our true self. But how do we do that? First, we refrain from acting.
Then we reflect on our part in the difficulty; next we marshal Loving Energy to release us from the negativity blocking our hearts. Finally, from the calm of our true self, we respond in the best way for all involved.
| [from my new book, Love More Now: Reflections on Open-Hearted Living, coming soon!] Refraining from Taking Direct Action  Ironically, when faced with a life challenge, our best âactionâ is to refrain from acting. We do nothingâfor now. Letâs admit it; we often try for a quick fix just so our icky feelings will go away. We want to feel better now rather than reflecting on our part in the situation. In most cases, however, acting too soon produces harmful words and actions that we never intended. Why? Because we were driven by fear and not by love.  To avoid this trap, we learn to PAUSE: Pause Action Until Serenity Emerges. This serenity comes from reflecting on our part and then choosing to open our hearts, thus releasing us from the grip of our fears. From this place of peace arise all the solutions we will ever need. But what do we DO while weâre pausing?  First, itâs helpful to cultivate self-compassion by opening our heart to ourselves. After all, we may feel shame about being in such a difficulty, spawning whispered lies of self-condemnation: Why canât I handle this better? I should know how to fix this! Whatâs wrong with me? Or, we might point the finger toward others in a blame-game: Itâs their fault! I am right and theyâre wrong. They should change. None of this makes us feel any better.  On the contrary, we can reassure ourselves that we are merely imperfect human beings doing the best we can. For example, telling ourselves, Yes, this is hard, and weâre upset. Thatâs okay, this often happens in life, and weâve gotten through hard times before. Letâs remember, weâve got our true self and othersâ Loving Energy to help us.  Remember too the lesson taught by so many wisdom traditions: even though our true self is perfect Love, our human self is on this earth to learn to be as loving as possible. This is a tall order, indeed, for those of us mired in fear. If weâre awake and willing, however, we learn to ârender the barriers to love harmless,â as described in the opening quotation.  Reflecting on My Part  As we pause and refrain from action, we reflect on our part in the situation: What is it about me that makes this so difficult? Three of the twelve steps of AA suggest using specific questions to examine our part in any difficulty. Such questions help us consider how our thoughts, feelings, and patterns might be responsible for our own unhappiness. The list below is derived from the five shortcomings we examined in Chapter 4, and the six coping patterns listed in Chapter 3.   We can think of these areas as âsoft-spotsâ in our human personalities that close our hearts to ourselves and others, thus blocking Loving Energy from healing our difficulties. Yet, it is this very Loving Energy that can release these blockages, freeing us to give and receive love.  As you read each question below, take a moment to reflect on it. Then, if it seems relevant to your current problems, make note of it.  Whom or what am I resenting, blaming, or criticizing? What are they âdeprivingâ me of?What have I been afraid of, not trusting the Loving Power of my true self?Where have I been self-centered, thinking only of getting my own needs met?How have I been lying to myself? What have I not wanted to look at?What self-condemning beliefs have I held about myself? Are they really true?How have I been a caretaker by putting anotherâs needs above my own best interests?Do I sometimes feel like a martyrâa victim of circumstances beyond my control?How have I been a perfectionist, expecting myself and others to never make mistakes?How have I been people-pleasing by pretending to be what others want me to be?How have I been a workaholic, placing work above my relationships and health?How have I been a tap dancer, unwilling to commit to a program of growth and healing? After writing down a few of the most glaring items, it will be most helpful to list for each one: a) what you were trying to gain by holding on to it (e.g., material gain, emotional security, prestige, or sexual needs), b) the negative consequences for you and others of holding on to this soft spot, and c) what your life could be like if you didnât have this soft spot. Now itâs time to enlist our Loving Power and our healthy, growth partners to release us from these shortcomings.  Releasing Blocks to Love First, recall that Iâve said repeatedly that we cannot become more loving by doing it all alone, unaided by the guidance of healthy growth partners. Second, we canât grow out of our self-defeating habits without the help of Loving power.  Reading this last sentence, you might be wondering, Wait a minute. If these flaws have been blocking the flow of love in my life, then how can that same love heal them? Itâs important to acknowledge that your Loving Energy has never left you and that it is always available to you. We only believed we lost it and reinforced those beliefs through our self-defeating fears.  Happily, to ârender the barriers to love harmless,â all we have to do is ask for help. As simple as that! Unfortunately, most of us have to get pretty uncomfortable before we surrender our old ways and open ourselves to another way of living. In this golden moment, Loving Power is right there ready to help us remove these barriers to love.  To harness this love, we need only consistently stream Loving power into our hearts. Many of us  do this by using any or all of the following practices on a daily basis: meditation, prayer for self and others, affirmations and visualization, mindfulness/being in the now, kindness/giving love, and gratitude lists. Some of the other practices I use when a persistent pattern needs a direct infusion of healing are:  thought-switching (e.g., the Golden Key), Master Mind group, tapping, EMDR, Radical Forgiveness, and setting boundaries with others.  Responding in The Best Way for All One of my favorite promises in Twelve-Step literature is âWe will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.â As we clear out the blockages to love, we begin to notice this intuitive sense emerging from our true self, nudging us in the best direction for all. Itâs rather mysterious because this wisdom doesnât necessarily come from some pre-determined script weâve created in our minds. Itâs more likely that we find ourselves acting differently or thinking differently, and itâs only after the fact we can see the changes. How could it be any different if weâve been filling our minds with heart-opening loving thoughts and feelings? Itâs pretty simple: the more make space for love to enter our hearts, the more our lives begin to thrive in the most amazing ways.  |
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 Gigi Langer is a former âQueen of Worryâ who writes, speaks, and encourages others to overcome their stress, addictions, and negative thinking. Her PhD is from Stanford University. Get a discounted signed copy of Gigiâs award-winning book, â50 Ways to Worry Less Nowâ (4.8 stars Amazon) ($8.95) Includes FREE PDF WORKBOOK CLICK <<HERE >>    https://GigiLanger.com/buyAlso available in e-book and audiobook formats. |
