stress Archives - Page 6 of 11

February 5, 2022March 13, 2022

THE PUNISHMENT OF PERFECTIONISM

Recently, I taught Session #2 of the Worry Less Now group of 10 wonderful women. During the session, I felt rushed and tense–possibly because I had planned too many things for the 75 minutes. So, I made some mistakes: I omitted the prayer at the beginning; and during our Masterminding, more than once I forgot a crucial step and one of the participants had to remind me.

Although I laughed about it at the time, afterwards, I felt ashamed due to my old flaw of perfectionism. The ego grabbed my mental microphone, whispering lies about how I had embarrassed myself. Then I tried to figure out why I had made the mistakes, in the false hope that I would never do so again. This self-punishment exhausted me, subtly draining my enthusiasm over the next few days.

By Sunday, I finally acknowledged the cloud over my head and my wise voice said, “We need some time to get our head straight. Noone can make me do a F!#*ing thing tomorrow.”

I cleared my calendar, had coffee with my husband, and then lay down for a healing session with God. First, my kitty came and cuddled up on my lap (how does she know just when to appear?). I relaxed my body and breathed slowly as I imagined Mother Mary at my head, God on my left side, Jesus at my feet, and the Holy Spirit on my right side. As I said the Lord‘s prayer, their loving presence soothed my jagged feelings.

Then something surprising happened: several dark strands of false beliefs appeared to be lifted out of my body, dismantling my belief that I couldn’t be loved unless I was perfect.

Is It True? Is It Really True?

At the next session I had planned to talk about Byron Katie’s “The Work” and, as I lay in perfect peace, I had a great idea: I could illustrate the use of this tool with my perfectionism’s whispered lie: “I should not make mistakes.” My answers to the four questions are:

Is It True? Yes
Is It Completely True? No.
What’s the Emotional Cost? I admitted how much pain and tension this belief had caused me,
What Could My Life Be without The Belief? I could relax in loving acceptance of myself when making mistakes.

Turnaround #1: “I should not make mistakes” becomes “I should make mistakes.”

How is this statement as true or truer than the first one? Perhaps the pain of my mistakes made me humble enough to admit that I am not God; I’m only human, and mistakes have nothing to do with my security or lovability. It could also be true because it creates a teaching opportunity for my class and a chance to illustrate how I too get hung up by my ego.

Turnaround #2: “I should not make mistakes” becomes “They should not make mistakes.” How is this as true or truer that the original statement? I saw my ego in living color as I sat and criticized people on TV and social media. Then God showed me that since we are all connected, my judging others separates me from them and from God too. Hmm, not God’s will!

Then, this turnaround came into my receptive mind: “I should not make mistakes” became “God should not make mistakes.” Slowly, the tears began to flow; I can’t explain why, really; perhaps I thought that if God could make mistakes, then we were all screwed. I knew this could not be true, as God has been the only reliable source of love and safety in my life.

What Have I Learned?

So, what have I learned from doing “The Work” with my whispered lie, “I should not make mistakes,” and its corollary, “If I do, I can’t be loved.”

-By believing I must be perfect, I was “easing God out” and opening the door to self- condemnation, which is not God‘s will.

-Releasing that false belief allowed love to flow back into my heart, restoring my energy and connection with God.

-Turning the whispered lie around taught me that I cannot separate myself from God and others without causing myself misery.

-Finally, I believe my letting go of my false beliefs helps others do the same.

I am so grateful that my spirits inspired me to write this, share it with my class, and perhaps include it in my new book. And most of all, I’m glad that God helped me shed another layer of perfectionism!

gigi langer worry less now

Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.

My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to reject the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE

worry less now gigi langer

WORRY LESS NOW PERFECTIONISM

December 9, 2021December 9, 2021

WHEN LIFE IS SCARING THE S*** OUT OF US!

For the past two months, my dear Peter has been quite ill. You may remember that he’s my fourth husband, after many failures due to codependence and substance abuse. I’ve now had the blessing of 32 ½ happy years with a caring, responsible, and extremely fun partner.

I love him dearly and am grateful for every day together. Don’t get me wrong, though; I haven’t made him into my higher power as I did with so many other men. No, I stand in the strength of spirit, and we hold hands as we meet life’s adventures together.
So, in this latest adventure, we recently learned that Peter has significant heart disease; and then yesterday, he had all the signs of a heart attack! So went to the ER, and they kept him at the hospital overnight. YIKES!
So, how do we handle things that are scaring the shit out of us? A well-worn statement from Alanon is: The more we talk about the problem, the less we focus on the solution. So, let’s get to the solutions:

focusing on love rather than fear,
not numbing my feelings, and
clinging to strong supportive friends.

Not Scaring Myself: Choosing Love

Thank God, I recently signed up for Carol Howe’s short daily recordings of ACIM (A Course in Miracles) lessons. ACIM teaches us over and over that our fearful, self-centered mind (ego) causes our upsets because it always “thinks” something is keeping us from getting what we want. For example, my fearful voice was crying, “Will I be left alone? Can I handle Peter’s declining health?”
You can see these are all ego-questions about “me, myself, and I.” But these imaginings are only projections of past pain onto the future. They have nothing to do with the truth.
My only path to peace is to reject the ego’s lies and focus on Love. So, I chose new thoughts: ”I will not see this situation through fear; I see it only through Love. Nothing can separate me from goodness; and the same goes for Peter. All is well.”

Staying Present with Support

During my tough times, I have two non-negotiables:

I mustn’t consistently numb myself out with drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, or overactivity. I sure did eat a lot of sugar this week; and I’ve been known to veg out in front of movies to soften the blow of fear. But I don’t do this for long, and I continue my footwork. If I go for days with self-numbing and no positive self-care, I am in trouble and need help.
I must reach out for support from friends on a similar growth path. This is not usually a family member or romantic interest; and it’s not someone who judges or tries to fix me. Most of my support buddies are healthy, sober women.

Your Prayers Rock!

So yesterday, I sent out a call for prayer and support from my recovery buddies, and WOW! did they ever pull through! I got so many sweet, comforting texts (Some who sent them are reading this, and I thank you SO much!)
Here’s one example from my dear friend, Eileen, who sent this request to Rosary Circle, Carolyn Myss’ prayer community:
“Please pray for Peter, the husband of my dear friend, Gigi. Peter has been ill for a couple of months with influenza B and was recently diagnosed with heart disease. Please visualize Peter eagerly learning about cardiovascular disease and embracing the dietary and lifestyle changes that will improve his health. Pray that he finds educational resources that fit his needs and budget, that he experiences hope and that he feels the love of family and friends. Bless Gigi as she supports Peter and bless his caregivers as they develop an effective and efficient plan to monitor and treat him. We gratefully anticipate Peter’s return to health that he may use his life to serve you.” Thank you, thank you, thank you. It is done!

The Good News

Tonight we came home from the ER with a good report: Altho’ Peter has heart disease, he has not had a heart attack, and he passed the stress test quite well! (He does still have Influenza B even though we had flu shots). But, there is so much to be grateful for.
I am so glad I’ve learned to keep my serenity bank full by praying, meditating, and joining with my friends in AA, Alanon, and ACIM. When the scary times hit, I can call on that reserve to help us through it with trust and calm.

Gigi’s award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to correct the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)

May 1, 2021July 4, 2021

Find A Power Greater Than Your Fears

How many of us wish, “If only I had the power to make things turn out the way I want them to!”

Let’s take a minute to look closely at these illusions of will and power. How well has trying to control others worked for you? Do you believe you can impose the changes you’d like to see on the world? Perhaps you’ve even struggled unsuccessfully to change your own fears and habits.

When you can admit that your unaided efforts to improve your own and others’ lives almost always fail, a wondrous alternative appears: You can trust a positive power to help you find peace and courage, no matter what’s going on in your life.

What Is Positive Power?

If you’re skeptical about what many call a “higher power,” let me assure you: You don’t need to worship a particular spiritual entity, religion, dogma, or philosophy. You’ll be defining this source in a way that works for you. You can be as unconventional or traditional as you want–as long as you tap into something greater than your fears.

How you come to understand this power is highly personal and your business only. You may find it in your mind, spirit, energy, or in the universe. Perhaps you’ll discover it through the hope and strength of supportive, healthy people. (However, consider carefully what they say and how they live their lives. Then take what works for you and leave the rest behind.)

How Can A Positive Power Help Me?

How can you put your positive power to work in your life? By making one single decision again and again: Reject your fear-filled thoughts and connect with your source of power. As you continue making this choice, you’ll discover a happy outlook and intuitive guidance for your problems.

Studies reported by Stephanie Castillo reveal that believers in such a power are happier than those who don’t believe. Cultivating loving thoughts, good feelings, and positive experiences reprograms your persistent, negative thinking. In the words of author Emmet Fox, “You cannot think one thing and produce another.”

Try it now

Memorize a prayer or affirmation and say it often, mindfully savor the beauty around you, try guided meditation, listen to inspiring speakers, join with positive people for fun and growth, say a kind word to a stranger or friend, list five things you’re grateful for each day, write in a journal, pray for those you resent, and/or practice loving self-compassion.

A Few Reminders about A “Higher Power”

You don’t need to intellectually understand a positive power for it to work for you
Fear and judgment keep you upset and alone; a loving power overcomes your fear and connects you with others.
With consistent practice and pleasing results, you’ll come to trust your positive power to bring you peace and happiness, no matter what is going on in your life.

My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now which describes how to reject the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful suggestions. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)

January 15, 2021January 15, 2021

FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS!

DO YOU HAVE FEELINGS THAT JUST CARRY YOU AWAY AND COLOR YOUR WHOLE WORLD GRAY? Don’t worry! Such feelings are often created by fearful thoughts that aren’t even true.

SO, HERE’S THE TRUTH: We don’t have the means to make people and things exactly as we want them. We just aren’t that powerful.

For example, we live in the wreckage of our future (“Its going to be awful!”) or we create “unenforceable rules” (“This should (or should not happen”). Often, we try to change the past by thinking how it “could have” been better.

Such thoughts are driven by the fear-driven belief that, if we just think long and hard enough, we can protect ourselves (and our loved ones) from pain and harm.

HERE’S THE GOOD NEWS: We can find peace of mind and contentment in the midst of our fearful feelings and thoughts. Why? BECAUSE WE CAN CHOOSE WHAT FILLS OUR MIND.

HOW? Meditation, walks outside, stretching, yoga, prayer, reading or watching inspiring books/movies, 12-step work, spiritual practices, energy work, and thought-correction can all soothe our most difficult feelings. Good healthy friends or counselors really help too.

When we get still and listen to our inner wisdom (or that of another), we receive the comfort of ACCEPTANCE (non-attachment to specific outcomes). Further, we find ways to address those problems that still bother us—IF they are still bothering us (quite often, they’ve shrunken down to nothing!).

NEXT TIME YOUR FEELINGS are having a hissy fit, stand apart from them for a moment to recognize they’re mostly a result of inaccurate and disturbing thoughts. Then, ask yourself, “What healthy actions can I take to soothe my mind and body?” And then, do that!

PLEASE SHARE YOUR FAVORITE WAYS OF SOOTHING UPSET FEELINGS IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. THANKS!!

My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now describes how to reject the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful suggestions. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)

REVIEW by Karen Casey, best-selling author of Each Day a New Beginning (Hazelden) “Even though I have been in recovery for more than 4 decades, and didn’t think another self-help book would make it to my treasured list, I was wrong. This book is a winner.”

Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

Tag: stress