Elizabeth L. âBizzyâ Chance, CRS, is the founder and owner of Busy Living SoberTM, a network dedicated to bringing addiction out of the shadows and educating society that addiction is a disease, not who you are. She is a leading expert in the field of recovery management, widely known for her work as a consultant, family coach, and her social media presence.
Elizabeth earned her certification as a Certified Recovery Specialist (CRS) from the state of Pennsylvania. She is a graduate of George Washington University with a degree in communications, and her work experience includes time at QVC and CBS Television.
Elizabeth is in long-term recovery herself over a decade. Hence, she feels able to form a compassionate and meaningful bond with addicts. She has always gravitated towards anyone new to recovery because of her own personal story, which gives her an innate sense for helping them achieve and maintain recovery.
Busy Living SoberTM is to eliminate the shame of addiction through open and honest communication.
Elizabeth currently resides in Wayne, Pennsylvania with her husband and three teenage children.
“The definition of addiction is the inability to control oneâs use over a substance.â
When our survival instincts for procreation, security, and community exceed their proper function, we want what others have, lust for sex and power, and become exceedingly angry when our demands arenât met. (Bill Wilson) *
Many of us have valiantly tried to satisfy our overblown needs through our own efforts. For example, my selfish search for emotional security drove me to sick relationships, overwork, and manipulation. In the end, I hurt both myself and others.
So, how then do we grow out of the patterns that threaten our romantic life, safety, and productive relations? First, we must sincerely want to find a better way to live. Then, we look at our own part in our unhappiness, and take actions to become the person we want to be.
Most important, we find like-minded people to give us unselfish support as we come to trust a loving, protective power to fulfill our needs.
Whatâs the Problem with Exaggerated Needs?
We begin our journey by listing each survival instinct, along with the personal cost of trying to force the world to fulfill it. See if any of these needs and consequences apply to your life (add to the list, if you wish).
Unmet Emotional Needs cause low self-esteem, perfectionism, addiction, self-harm, anxiety
Threatened Material Security causes inflated ambition, dishonesty, overwork, worry, stress
Dysfunctional Social Relations result in codependency, prestige-seeking, competitiveness, gossip, failed relationships, conflict
Dishonest Sex Relations lead to promiscuity, disease, selfishness
Driven by fears of losing what we so desperately need, we may have been selfish, dishonest, and resentful. To free ourselves from these patterns, we write about the following questions and share our answers with a trusted person (therapist, clergy, sponsor, or spiritual advisor).
In what ways did I hurt others or myself,? Where was I . . .
Selfishly seeking my own security, social needs, or sexual gratification; and ignoring others’ feelings?
Dishonest with myself and others about my motives to satisfy my security, social relations, sex needs?
Fearful of not getting my needs met, and trying to control people and things so I could feel .more secure?
Resentful about my frustrated demands for security, social relations or sex?
This work helps us see the futility of expecting the world and others to fulfill our needs. No matter how hard weâve tried, it just hasnât worked, as itâs caused harm to ourselves and others. After sharing our shortcomings with a trusted confidant, we go to work to overcome our negative patterns.
If weâre addicts, alcoholics, workaholics, overeaters, gamblers, or regularly numb ourselves from lifeâs disappointments, we need help. In my case, I found a skilled therapist and the 12-step programs of AA, Al-Anon, and ACOA.
Self-Compassion
As I met with others who had faced similar challenges, I realized I wasnât the only one confused about how to keep myself safe and secure; that everyoneâs instincts caused them and others trouble.
I came to see my old hurtful actions as misguided attempts to fulfill my own needs. For example, in my alcoholic home, I decided, âIf Iâm perfect, everyone will like and admire me, and I wonât feel so alone and afraid.â I went on to get good grades, advanced degrees, and professional awards. Eventually, those efforts led to anxiety, alcoholism, drug addiction, chronic pain, and three divorces. Clearly, my attempt to ensure my own happiness was failing.
Loving Supportand Security
As I joined with healthy others, I found I was not uniquely bad; I had been merely a desperate mess. Many of my recovering friends had done worse things than I had, and they had become good, reliable, caring people. Perhaps, with help, I could be a better person too.
Through the loving care of others, I began to own my strengths. For example, through my people-pleasing, I developed social skills that had to be balanced with self-care and boundary-setting. Ditto with my perfectionism; I certainly knew how to work hard–an asset–but only when I combined it with adequate rest and self-forgiveness.
Being immersed in groups of happy people who are healing their lives led me to my own source of security–a power greater than my fears. I was relieved that no one pushed me to believe in their definition of a âhigher power.â Eventually, with guidance from my sponsor, therapist, and other spiritual teachers, I began to trust in an ever-present love that fulfilled all my needs.
These days, I often take a quiet moment to connect with this benevolent, caring power. In times of trouble, however, when Iâm afraid my needs couldnât possibly be met, I rely on my healthy friends to stream that positive power into my life and mind.
Knowing that love is always available gives me great security, and I’m ever grateful for that.
*NOTE: The ideas presented here are based on the Step 4 Inventory of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Gigi Langer, a person in recovery, holds a Ph.D. in Psychological Studies in Education and an MA in Psychology from Stanford University. Through her writing, coaching, and speaking, Gigi has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and at work. She lives in Michigan with her husband and Murphy, her cat.
Get Gigiâs new book, “50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking.” Available in audio, e-book, and paperback (5 Stars on Amazon). Click HERE
âThis book is a winner.â –Karen Casey, Bestselling Hazelden author
“Searching within myself, I will patiently, trustingly share myself with others.â — Karen Casey (Best-selling Hazelden author)
Back in the 80s, my favorite spiritual author, Karen Casey, wrote âEach Day a New Beginningâ for women in recovery, and it has sustained me through these many years. The quote above is particularly relevant as I start this year. I now see clearly (20 20 vision, right?) a major way Iâve been resisting Godâs will. Hereâs a quick inventory of my tendency to hold back.
Recently, I realized I’ve never memorized the Step 7 prayer exactly as written. Soon after that, a stranger in a 12-step program gave me a card with the prayer on it. So, I started saying it.
I also noticed a creeping opposition to doing things I was called to do. Whispered lies crept into my mind: âOh, that would be too much work.â âI just donât feel like doing that.â âHavenât I done enough?â
By resisting those nudges, I knew I was letting my self-will override Godâs direction. So, I put a sticky note in my car: âThy Will Be Done; Not Mine.â I see it many times a day.
Perhaps itâs been sinking in, because I now offer you my 4th & 5th step inventory: My fearful self has always told me to âHold Back!â Hold back smiles to strangers. Hold back chats with neighbors. Hold back calling others on the phone. Hold back compliments, etc.
When I get the opportunity to do kind acts, I usually talk myself out of it. I tell myself Iâm an introvert, or that Iâm not good at âsmall talk,â or that I donât have time.
But mostly itâs about (1) the false belief, âIf I give love away, it might never return; thereâs not enough to go aroundâ and (2) fear of getting enmeshed, controlled, hurt, or inconvenienced. (Yup, I grew up in an alcoholic home.)
My 6th step character defects are self-will (pride) and fear (insecurity). In short, Iâve resisted Godâs will to love and serve others; and I havenât trusted my Higher Power to keep me safe and secure.
I now say the 7th step prayer: âMy Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go from here, to do your bidding.â
Long ago I learned that God can supply every need, and that my worth and safety are established by my Higher Power. But, being human, I forget. In recovery, we learn that our happiness is dependent upon our spiritual condition. As Karen Casey wrote, âSincerely touching the soul of someone else can tap the well of happiness within each of us.â That’s my plan for 2020!
Gigi Langer, PhD. Many years ago, I used alcohol, romance, and professional accomplishments to soothe my frayed nerves. Over time, I discovered effective tools from therapy, recovery proÂgrams, scientific research, and a variety of philosophical and spiritual teachings. I share those techniques in my blog and book so you can find peace of mind and wisdom, no matter what is bothering you.
My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how I and others have defeated the faulty thinking leading to dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, addiction, and worry about loved ones. Gain practical strategies, personal stories, and guided activities. Amazon: 5 stars (51 reviews) (Buy Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)
REVIEWS: Karen Casey, best-selling author of Each Day a New Beginning (Hazelden) âEven though I have been in recovery for more than 4 decades, and didnât think another self-help book would make it to my treasured list, I was wrong. This book is a winner.â Anonymous Reader: âYour Book certainly transformed my life! All I can say is, THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES OVERâ
