CLICK ON EITHER OF THESE LINKS TO ACCESS MY FASCINATING RECOVERY NUGGET WITH DAVID CLEMEN (the picture is not a live link) And a big thank you to David for sharing his story and insights!
Recovery Nuggets is a podcast where David Clemen shares his experiences in long term recovery with stories, guests, as well as tips and plenty of Recovery Nuggets to chew on.Â
Here’s David’s introduction to our podcast episode:
“Would you like to learn how to overcome your stress, anxiety, and negative patterns? My goal is to help you become calm and wise, even during your most troubling times. Rather than responding out of impatience, fear, judging, gossip, or self-sabotage, youâll learn to connect with your own center of loving power so you can enjoy fulfilling relationships, creativity, vibrant health, and success.” www.gigilanger.com
CLICK ON EITHER OF THESE LINKS TO ACCESS OUR FASCINATING RECOVERY CONVERSATION
STAY TUNED FOR MY NEW BOOK, COMING THIS FALL! Love More Now, Reflections on Open-Hearted Living
Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the âQueen of Worry,â Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Easter.
My friends say our worries & fears come from the not-so-helpful âcommittee in my head.â I call those negative voices âwhispered lies.â
For instance, for too many years I believed âIf I want to be liked, I must look good.â This whispered lie made me constantly worried about my appearance and behavior.
WHISPERED LIES: EXAMPLES
⢠âIâll never have enough money.â
⢠âI always sabotage my success.â
⢠âRelationships just donât work for me.â
⢠âWe could all be happy if only Dad would stop drinking.â
Although many of our whispered lies concern ourselves, they often focus on our children, spouses, friends, or relativesâfor instance, the last example about the fatherâs drinking. Other distressing beliefs involve institutions, as in âIf the government would just change this policy, weâd all be better off.â
Even though it might be true that Dad ought to stop drinking or the government should make changes, these events have no control over your own happiness.
CHANGING WHISPERED LIES TO POSITIVE THINKING
You can find peace of mind under any circumstance because youâre in charge of what you think about.
Most of our worries are fueled by false stories installed into our minds long ago, just waiting for opportunities to be confirmed. Wayne Dyer wrote that everything our brain âknowsâ is based on past experiences. Therefore, when an event resemblesâeven in a small wayâan old painful one, our mind interprets the new event according to the long-standing negative belief.
Since most whispered lies live largely in our unconscious, weâre often unaware of them.
To illustrate the power of my own ânegative committeeâsâ lies, consider why I failed at romantic love so many times during my twenties and thirties. I wanted to believe that love was possible for me, but my past had taught me the lie âIâm not worthy of love.â
This belief lived so strongly in my mind that, even when a man loved me deeply, I couldnât believe it was true. After several months, I would become convinced that he wasnât fulfilling my needs. These worries made me so demanding that I soon snuffed out all the happiness and joy of new love. When it ended, Iâd tell myself, âI just donât deserve love!â Until I got honest and started healing my faulty thinking, I had no hope of enjoying a happy relationship.
READ MY BLOGS FOR TOOLS TO DISSOLVE YOUR WHISPERED LIES
(Actually, any of the blogs or videos aim to help usovercome our negative thinking!)
Iâm so grateful for the therapy, recovery, psychological strategies, and spiritual tools that gave me freedom from my false beliefs. As a result Iâm a pretty happy camper most days â AND Iâve been happily married for 33 years. So what if itâs my 4th husband??? Heâs fabulous!
WHAT ABOUT YOUR OWN WHISPERED LIES? To learn how to win independence from your own committeeâs whispered lies, check out my award-winning book 50 Ways to Worry Less Now. Available through Amazon (5 stars), and personal signed copy for only $8.95 HERE (Free shipping within USA).
Gigi Langer, PhD has 35 years of sobriety and has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and at work. She’s written several books for educators, and is a sought-after speaker and workshop leader. Gigi holds a doctorate in Psychological Studies in Education and an MA in Psychology, both from Stanford.
Let’s consider the idea of acceptance. How well has trying to control things worked for you? Do you believe you can change your loved ones? Or the fix world?
You might be suffering with incessant regrets about the past, wishing you could change or fix it. Even worse, are you living in the wreckage of your future, constantly imagining how to avoid things like illness, poverty or loneliness?
All these pitfalls involve non-acceptance: the refusal to acknowledge how little control we have over other people, places, or things. In non-acceptance, we resist reality by immersing ourselves in fantasies, addictions, and other habits that shield us from the facts. This constant negative thinking keeps us in a loop of misery when our expectations aren’t met.
Acceptance
The only solution is acceptance: honestly admitting our own personal lack of power. As stated in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Fourth Edition, page 417,
“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situationâsome fact of my lifeâunacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. . . . Unless I accept life completely on lifeâs terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.â
An Example of Acceptance
Recently, my friend, Kayla, described her awakening to acceptance as “being hit by a pile of bricks.” Kayla had spent most of her adult years in a horrible, abusive relationship that was finally ending. She was struggling with codependency and began attending Twelve-Step meetings. Recently she began to work with a sponsor on Step One, admitting that a) we are powerless over the addiction of codependency, and that b) our lives have become unmanageable.
Reading about Step One and pondering the questions in her study guide, Kayla quickly came to see the truth: Her relationship was really over now, and her efforts to guarantee her happiness had failed. But it was not a happy insight; in fact, she had a few days of depression. Then she arose from her bed, free of the false illusions that had kept her trapped.
In short, with great courage, she threw in the towel and surrendered the fight. She was then ready to proceed to a new way of life with healthy others and a power greater than her codependence.
My Favorite Ways of Avoiding Acceptance
We all struggle with denial and non-acceptance from time to time. It helps to know the signs, so I can notice my shitty attitude and choose instead to accept life on life’s terms. Here are a few of my favorite avoidance strategies. My book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, offers many tools to come to acceptance and move on with our healing.
1. Trying to Figure It Out: âWhy?â Is Not a Spiritual Question
Often my first defense against something I donât like is to try to figure it out. For example, I try to analyze what I did, or what I should have done about the situation, with the (unrealistic) goal that I can change the past or manipulate the future. This is playing God, thinking that I should know why everything happens–totally impossible!
2. Judging and Resisting Things as They Are
Non-acceptance whispers to me that I know exactly how things should turn out, because other people are screwing up. If only they would listen to me, everything would be okay! Worse, my resistance tells me I can’t be happy unless I see this specific result. A sure dead-end.
3. Isolating in Denial
It’s only too easy to remain isolated without the care and guidance of healthy, honest friends. All alone, I can stay in denial, using my favorite ways of feelings-avoidance: food, TV, sex, or substances. When I open up honestly to another, I can find help to accept the truth and move on–hopefully with a structured program that builds in me a new way of living. Â
What’s Your Experience with Acceptance?
Acceptance boils down to a humble admission that our thoughts and actionsâespecially those based on the desire to controlâdonât always lead to the best results. Itâs trusting that a power wiser than our own fearful mind might lead us to the best outcomes. We can then approach life without fighting it, judging it, or needing to control it.Â
This step leaves us ready to find the solutions we’ve been seeking through a power greater than ourselves–the purpose of the remaining Twelve Steps.
Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the âQueen of Worry,â Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.
Recently, I taught Session #2 of the Worry Less Now group of 10 wonderful women. During the session, I felt rushed and tense–possibly because I had planned too many things for the 75 minutes. So, I made some mistakes: I omitted the prayer at the beginning; and during our Masterminding, more than once I forgot a crucial step and one of the participants had to remind me.
Although I laughed about it at the time, afterwards, I felt ashamed due to my old flaw of perfectionism. The ego grabbed my mental microphone, whispering lies about how I had embarrassed myself. Then I tried to figure out why I had made the mistakes, in the false hope that I would never do so again. This self-punishment exhausted me, subtly draining my enthusiasm over the next few days.
By Sunday, I finally acknowledged the cloud over my head and my wise voice said, âWe need some time to get our head straight. Noone can make me do a F!#*ing thing tomorrow.â
I cleared my calendar, had coffee with my husband, and then lay down for a healing session with God. First, my kitty came and cuddled up on my lap (how does she know just when to appear?). I relaxed my body and breathed slowly as I imagined Mother Mary at my head, God on my left side, Jesus at my feet, and the Holy Spirit on my right side. As I said the Lordâs prayer, their loving presence soothed my jagged feelings.
Then something surprising happened: several dark strands of false beliefs appeared to be lifted out of my body, dismantling my belief that I couldnât be loved unless I was perfect.
Is It True? Is It Really True?
At the next session I had planned to talk about Byron Katieâs âThe Workâ and, as I lay in perfect peace, I had a great idea: I could illustrate the use of this tool with my perfectionism’s whispered lie: âI should not make mistakes.â My answers to the four questions are:
Is It True? Yes
Is It Completely True? No.
Whatâs the Emotional Cost? I admitted how much pain and tension this belief had caused me,
What Could My Life Be without The Belief? I could relax in loving acceptance of myself when making mistakes.
Turnaround #1: âI should not make mistakesâ becomes âI should make mistakes.â
How is this statement as true or truer than the first one? Perhaps the pain of my mistakes made me humble enough to admit that I am not God; Iâm only human, and mistakes have nothing to do with my security or lovability. It could also be true because it creates a teaching opportunity for my class and a chance to illustrate how I too get hung up by my ego.
Turnaround #2: âI should not make mistakesâ becomes âThey should not make mistakes.â How is this as true or truer that the original statement? I saw my ego in living color as I sat and criticized people on TV and social media. Then God showed me that since we are all connected, my judging others separates me from them and from God too. Hmm, not Godâs will!
Then, this turnaround came into my receptive mind: âI should not make mistakesâ became âGod should not make mistakes.â Slowly, the tears began to flow; I canât explain why, really; perhaps I thought that if God could make mistakes, then we were all screwed. I knew this could not be true, as God has been the only reliable source of love and safety in my life.
What Have I Learned?
So, what have I learned from doing âThe Workâ with my whispered lie, âI should not make mistakes,â and its corollary, âIf I do, I canât be loved.â
-By believing I must be perfect, I was âeasing God outâ and opening the door to self- condemnation, which is not Godâs will.
-Releasing that false belief allowed love to flow back into my heart, restoring my energy and connection with God.
-Turning the whispered lie around taught me that I cannot separate myself from God and others without causing myself misery.
-Finally, I believe my letting go of my false beliefs helps others do the same.
I am so grateful that my spirits inspired me to write this, share it with my class, and perhaps include it in my new book. And most of all, I’m glad that God helped me shed another layer of perfectionism!
Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the âQueen of Worry,â Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.
My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to reject the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE
