acceptance Archives - GIGI LANGER

June 19, 2022June 19, 2022

ACCEPTANCE IS THE ANSWER TO ALL OUR PROBLEMS

Let’s consider the idea of acceptance. How well has trying to control things worked for you? Do you believe you can change your loved ones? Or the fix world?

You might be suffering with incessant regrets about the past, wishing you could change or fix it. Even worse, are you living in the wreckage of your future, constantly imagining how to avoid things like illness, poverty or loneliness?

All these pitfalls involve non-acceptance: the refusal to acknowledge how little control we have over other people, places, or things. In non-acceptance, we resist reality by immersing ourselves in fantasies, addictions, and other habits that shield us from the facts. This constant negative thinking keeps us in a loop of misery when our expectations aren’t met.

Acceptance

The only solution is acceptance: honestly admitting our own personal lack of power. As stated in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Fourth Edition, page 417,

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. . . . Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.”

An Example of Acceptance

Recently, my friend, Kayla, described her awakening to acceptance as “being hit by a pile of bricks.” Kayla had spent most of her adult years in a horrible, abusive relationship that was finally ending. She was struggling with codependency and began attending Twelve-Step meetings. Recently she began to work with a sponsor on Step One, admitting that a) we are powerless over the addiction of codependency, and that b) our lives have become unmanageable.

Reading about Step One and pondering the questions in her study guide, Kayla quickly came to see the truth: Her relationship was really over now, and her efforts to guarantee her happiness had failed. But it was not a happy insight; in fact, she had a few days of depression. Then she arose from her bed, free of the false illusions that had kept her trapped.

In short, with great courage, she threw in the towel and surrendered the fight. She was then ready to proceed to a new way of life with healthy others and a power greater than her codependence.

My Favorite Ways of Avoiding Acceptance

We all struggle with denial and non-acceptance from time to time. It helps to know the signs, so I can notice my shitty attitude and choose instead to accept life on life’s terms. Here are a few of my favorite avoidance strategies. My book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, offers many tools to come to acceptance and move on with our healing.

1. Trying to Figure It Out: “Why?” Is Not a Spiritual Question

Often my first defense against something I don’t like is to try to figure it out. For example, I try to analyze what I did, or what I should have done about the situation, with the (unrealistic) goal that I can change the past or manipulate the future. This is playing God, thinking that I should know why everything happens–totally impossible!

2. Judging and Resisting Things as They Are

Non-acceptance whispers to me that I know exactly how things should turn out, because other people are screwing up. If only they would listen to me, everything would be okay! Worse, my resistance tells me I can’t be happy unless I see this specific result. A sure dead-end.

3. Isolating in Denial

It’s only too easy to remain isolated without the care and guidance of healthy, honest friends. All alone, I can stay in denial, using my favorite ways of feelings-avoidance: food, TV, sex, or substances. When I open up honestly to another, I can find help to accept the truth and move on–hopefully with a structured program that builds in me a new way of living.

What’s Your Experience with Acceptance?

Acceptance boils down to a humble admission that our thoughts and actions–especially those based on the desire to control–don’t always lead to the best results. It’s trusting that a power wiser than our own fearful mind might lead us to the best outcomes. We can then approach life without fighting it, judging it, or needing to control it.

This step leaves us ready to find the solutions we’ve been seeking through a power greater than ourselves–the purpose of the remaining Twelve Steps.

I would love to hear from you! Please reply to glanger2202@gmail.com

Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.

Gigi’s award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to correct the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted, personally signed Paperback with free Workbook PDF HERE)

January 13, 2020January 27, 2020

LET GOD TAKE OVER OUR WORRIES!

“Over control is spiritually deadening. When we let God do the worrying, we find many possibilities open up,” (Touchstones by Hazelden)

Our Worries Deaden Our Spirit

“Spiritually deadening” is a great description of our worries, fears and overthinking. Lost in thoughts of the future and past, we’re numb to the beauty and love available in this very moment—the only one we actually have.

I must confess that I’ve been worrying for the past few weeks. I just couldn’t get myself to write the next blog or newsletter. So, I took a break from writing and promotion to restore my energy and enthusiasm.

Acceptance is the key to flowing with my varying levels of motivation. Instead of judging myself harshly, I consider what “good” reasons I have to be somewhat depleted. Certainly, autumn was pretty intense with getting the audio book launched and various presentations. Recognizing this gives me self-compassion and allows me to take a break.

What’s Really Bothering Me

But, I must admit, what’s really been kicking my serenity in the ass is this: my worries about my various aches and pains. Although they’re minor, they certainly do amp up my negativity and fear.

Physical pain takes me back to my past suffering with two frozen shoulders, surgery, back pain, etc. As I project into the future, I imagine it will be even worse than those experiences. Those fears cause me to try to control my pain by worrying about the problem rather than the (spiritual) solution (see blog)–thus the “spiritual deadening” I’ve been feeling.

It’s all too easy to fall into the illusion that, if I analyze the sources of pain, use ice, exercise properly, and avoid the “wrong activities,” I’ll be able to control it. But such preoccupations only keep me stuck in thoughts of suffering, And we all know this singular truth: What occupies our minds manifests in our lives. So, I knew things had to change.

Physical pain has often served my spiritual growth by getting me humble and on my knees. Eventually, I notice my mental misery and enlist a power greater than my fears to overcome them.

Solutions for Our Worries: Waking up Spirit

I can hasten my willingness to claim spiritual power by increasing my self-care: meetings, helping others, praying, meditating, journaling, reading, and talking to a spiritual advisor. It’s similar to filling up our mental “sanity bank” with wisdom and faith that dissolves our worries.

Of course breathing in spiritual strength and breathing out negativity is a great place to start. A quick “Help me to see this differently” or “All is well” can settle down our worries. The Serenity Prayer connects us to acceptance, courage and power when we’re imprisoned by doubt.

So, I’ve been following my own advice and using the tools presented in “Worry Less Now.” Who knew that I’d need to use them so often and so consistently throughout my life!?

It’s just proof that, as humans, we’re often tempted by our worries and fears. Fortunately, with experience, we learn how to return to sanity, trust, and peace of mind.

When we we awaken from the dreams we’ve been lost in, we can fully inhabit our life, savoring its present sensations. The feel of our breath filling our body. The smell of a gardenia. The beauty of a palm tree ruffled by the breeze. The taste of cilantro.

A Celebration!!

I’m so grateful to share the tools that have helped me discover my true, wise, god-self, even in the midst of life’s challenges. And, I’m grateful for something else, too!!

On Jan 11, I celebrated 34 years without a drink or drug. Many of you reading this have played a large role in my recovery. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

To celebrate, I’m still giving away free tokens for my audiobook of “Worry Less Now.” Just use the Contact Form here to claim it.

New Podcast!

If you haven’t listened to any of my interviews on podcasts, I think this is one of the best. Omar Pinto (SHAIR podcast) is a gifted interviewer and a wonderful guy. Listen to it here: PODCAST “Worry Less in Sobriety. “

Gigi Langer, a person in recovery, holds a Ph.D. in Psychological Studies in Education and an MA in Psychology from Stanford University. Through her writing, coaching, and speaking, Gigi has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and at work. She lives in Michigan with her husband and Murphy, her cat.

Get Gigi’s new book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking. available in audio, e-book, and paperback. 5 STARS! (Amazon) Click HERE

“Valuable, heartfelt manual.” — Publishers Weekly (BookLife)

“This book is a winner.” -Karen Casey, Hazelden author

December 12, 2019December 13, 2019

SHRED YOUR NEGATIVITY—EVEN IN HOLIDAY TRAFFIC!

HERE’S A SITUATION SURE TO KICK OFF NEGATIVITY: Imagine you’re on your way to an important doctor appointment and you’ve left just a little late. You find yourself waiting in a long line of cars with left-turn signals blinking.

When the cars finally begin to inch forward, you realize you might not make it through the light. You look at your watch, clench your jaw, and think, “I can’t miss this appointment.” Your stomach begins to churn as you imagine having to wait several more weeks to see the doctor.

Suddenly, a big black car cuts in front of you. He’s the last one to make it through the light. You bang your hands on the steering wheel and yell, “Who in the hell does he think he is?” Then your mind whispers, “I’ll never get in to see the doctor! My symptoms will get worse and I’ll suffer even more. Why does this always happen to me?”

NEGATIVITY: THE CONSEQUENCES

It’s hard to keep such incidents from prompting a hissy fit, often with dire results. For instance, we might drive recklessly in the traffic or speak rudely to the doctor’s receptionist.

Or, when we arrive home, our frustration might cause us to hurt a loved one with critical or impatient words.

AN ALTERNATIVE APPROACH

I’ll bet you’ve had similar experiences, especially with holiday traffic. I sure have. But after years of working with my negative thinking, I’ve discovered how to change it through Honesty, Power, Choice, and Growth Tools. Here’s how it looks in the traffic situation.

First, the driver honestly admits how upset she is, and tunes into the tension in her jaw and belly. She then notices, without judgment, her negative thoughts—for example, “I just thought ‘That guy is a real jerk!’ and I’ve convinced myself I’ll never make it to my appointment.”

She follows that realization with “If I can stop worrying, I can access the power of clarity.” She then makes the choice to cease upsetting herself.

She might seek a different perspective by thinking, “I have no control over this traffic. This would be frustrating for anyone. I’m willing to trust that I’ll get to the doctor at just the right time.”

To move her focus away from her irritation and fear, she applies the following growth tools.

She begins with the tool of deep breathing. In her calmer state, she tries to feel compassion toward the driver who cut her off. Perhaps he’s had a bad day or family emergency.

Finally, she uses visualization to imagine the office receptionist being helpful and kind. As her negative thinking continues to make a bid for her attention, she persists in using these tools.

In a short time, the next right action occurs to her. She thinks, “I’m going to call the receptionist and ask if I can keep my appointment if I’m thirty minutes late.” When her call is put on hold, she breathes calmly.

Soon, she learns that the doctor is behind schedule and being late is no problem. She relaxes and enjoys the ride.

ISN’T THIS APPROACH PRETTY PASSIVE?

Perhaps you’re thinking that the driver should have been more assertive, perhaps by immediately seeking a detour.

*Here’s an important point: Using these strategies does not mean that you never take strong action.*

They simply allow you to delay acting until you’ve gained a little wisdom. As a result of your new perspective, if you are meant to do something, you’ll have the direction you need.

Unfortunately, we don’t have as much control over external events as we might imagine, and fretting or forcing a solution often just makes things worse.

Next time you’re irked by traffic, try applying honesty, power, choices, and growth tools. You can experience the peace and goodwill of the season, no matter what!!

Gigi Langer, a Stanford PhD, is a former teacher who quit drinking, only to find that her negative thinking, judging, and fears kept her in a cycle of worry, codependency, chronic pain, perfectionism, and overworking. Her award-winning book “50 Ways to Worry Less Now” (Amazon 4.8 stars) is available in paper, e-book, and audiobook. Honest, practical, simple. Relevant to anyone! Buy it here GigiLanger.com/buy

July 11, 2019July 11, 2019

OUR DISTORTED FEARS!

“Our fears, whether large or small, were distorted. And we still distort those fears, on occasion, because we move away from the spiritual reality of our lives.” Karen Casey, ”Each Day a Dew Beginning” (Hazelden)

Sometimes my fears grab the microphone and whisper (or sometimes scream) lies such as: “If I can’t fix this, I can’t be happy!!”

I fell victim to this incessant voice recently as I tried to resolve thorny technical issues with Amazon and i-tunes. Further, a barely started book chapter was due July 9. After several weeks, I could not resolve these issues, NO MATTER WHAT I DID!

Eventually, I found myself swearing at other drivers and peeling out onto a busy street. That reckless action got my attention.

So, I admitted to myself how pissed I was and went to a meeting. There I admitted how victimized I felt—just like a powerless little girl. As others shared the “wisdom of the rooms,” Spirit’s voice of hope and sanity dissolved my rage.

When I got home, I listed on paper the three situations and then wrote “Higher Power, I place each of these into your hands and mind. I thank you for the perfect resolution for each of them.”

The next day, God pulled the rabbits out of the hat! Amazon e-mailed to explain what I needed to do; the lovely i-tunes people resolved that technical issue; and I found out the book chapter wasn’t due for two months.

Now, if that isn’t evidence that “turning it over” works, what is?

I sometimes ask myself, “Why couldn’t I have let it go sooner and saved myself all this aggravation?” Even after 33 years, I sometimes still deny my feelings—especially anger (remember, “All addictions are feeling disorders.”)

For me, the only solution to my mind’s distortions is to surrender them to my Higher Power. I’m always grateful when I do — even if it takes a I while!

WHAT WORKS FOR YOU?? I’d love to hear from you!

Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

Tag: acceptance