At any moment, especially when we’re quiet (or when our hearts are breaking), we can receive such glimmers of truth shining into our being, reassuring us that we are whole and safe in this life. I am so thankful for discovering the strength of my true self in a world where my heart sometimes beats to the blinding force of fear.
Who is your true self? It’s the you who knows intuitively the next right thing to do, has healthy friends to consult, can feel the pain of life and heal it, and who brings love and service to those you encounter.
How do we grow away from our fearful self and into our true self? For the past 30 years, I’ve joined with many inspired mentors to apply the teachings of the Twelve Steps and A Course in Miracles (ACIM) to every aspect of my life. My experience, and that of millions of others, suggests that we can claim our true heart and life by:
Opening our hearts. We are here to move away from a life dominated by fear, defenses, and criticism toward a life of love, acceptance, and compassion.
Connecting our hearts. As we experience our internal state tipping from love to fear, we join with others to give and receive inspiration and care.
Following these two paths has healed my most troubling problems: codependency, sexual abuse, chronic pain, divorce, worry about loved ones, perfectionism, and job stress. Now I enjoy peace of mind and serenity, no matter my circumstances. I hope awakening to your true self will bring you similar benefits.
Gigi Langer, PhD has helped thousands of people improve their lives at home and at work. She’s written several books for educators, and is a sought-after speaker and workshop leader. Gigi holds a doctorate in Psychology in Education, and an MA in Psychology, both from Stanford.
You might have heard I’m writing a follow-up to 50 Ways to Worry Less Now. I am so pleased with how it’s coming along, as I’ve completed 4 of the 5 chapters. * In late May I plan to send it to beta readers for feedback. If you wish to be an advance reader, please email [email protected]. * In the next months, I’ll be sharing short excerpts with you. (Feel free to provide feedback on this snippet on self-limiting patterns.) Thanks for joining the team!
EXCERPT FROM CHAPTER 2: What Patterns Close Our Heart? If you’re on a growth path, chances are you’ve discovered some patterns that are bumping up against your dreams of happy relationships, success, or health. For many of us, these patterns have to do with control (referred to as “self-centered fear” in Twelve-Step programs).
The Illusion of Control In our families of origin, it was all about staying safe, so we formed habits that kept us out of the family chaos. Some children become the high achievers. Others take care of everyone else. Still others get lost in the shuffle, hiding in the corners. Some may deflect tension and conflict with humor or distraction.
All these coping strategies rely on the illusion of control as in the whispered lie: If I do this, I will be safe. And, for many of us, these coping strategies worked pretty well in school, work, and play. But they eventually turn out to be deadly, especially to our relationships.
When we run into life challenges that seem to get worse no matter what we do, it may be spirit’s way of saying it’s time relinquish our old patterns. If we’re awake and connected with healthy advisors and friends, we can unlearn the habits that no longer serve us or our loved ones.
Gigi’s Old Patterns In Stage II Recovery, Earnie Larsen outlines six common patterns that sabotage our happiness because they rely on controlling people, places, and things. When I first read the list, I identified as a perfectionist, workaholic, people pleaser, and tap dancer. -As a perfectionist, I completed an advanced degree at Stanford, but my whispered lies had me in knots of fear of failing which led to drug abuse and promiscuity. -As a workaholic, I ignored my family and partner by spending all my time studying or working, thus the failed romantic relationships. -As a people pleaser, I had no idea how to know or state my needs with my loved ones; I was terrified of conflict and just went along, pretending that everything was fine. No wonder I had three failed marriages. -My tap dancer pattern had me traveling all over the world, leaving a relationship whenever I got bored, and frequently changing jobs and degree programs. I think the first time I didn’t try to skate past a commitment was with my sobriety.
Inventory: Six Harmful Patterns Here I list the six patterns with their associated whispered lies. You may immediately relate to some of them. But don’t worry, with help you can change them.
The Caretaker. Caretakers feel responsible for the happiness of others; and they try to rescue people, often to the detriment of their own self-care. “I can’t be happy if everyone else isn’t okay. I can’t let anyone down; I must make things better.”
The Martyr: Martyrs believe life is a struggle and they’re the victim of an unfair world. They don’t believe they deserve fun or pleasure. “Life will never work out for me. I always lose out, no matter what I do. I can’t handle life.”
The Perfectionist. Perfectionists can’t stand making mistakes, have a low tolerance for unpredictability, and are often critical of others’ incompetence. “Everything has to be perfect for me to be okay. I can fix this if I work hard enough. I hate failure.”
The People Pleaser. People pleasers need to keep everyone else happy; so, they put their own needs last. They have trouble saying no, can’t handle conflict, and often feel hurt. They have little confidence in their own opinions. “For me to be safe, everyone must like me. I can’t object to my (friend’s/partner’s) mean words. I can’t say what I think because people will hate me.”
The Workaholic. Workaholics put the completion of tasks ahead of their relationships. They feel guilty when not working and never feel they have accomplished enough. “I must get it all done, or my life will fall apart. I can’t take time for others; there’s just too much to do.”
The Tap Dancer. Tap dancers constantly test the limits, avoid commitment, and often skirt around the truth. They always have an escape plan in case things don’t work out to their liking. “No one can pin me down; escape is my only security. I bet I can get away with this. I never could commit to recovery or therapy.”
Healing Harmful Patterns If you can identify with any of these patterns, it’s important to recognize that each one has its strengths. For example, once you let go of needing to please everyone, you still have the gracious social skills you cultivated earlier in your life. It’s just a matter of removing the cutting side of the whispered lies with loving practices that open your heart to yourself and others.
The Twelve Steps, combined with therapy and spiritual practices, have healed these patterns in me. These days, I’m rarely caught in this loop of over-control. It is a lovely way to live!
Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.
Directions. Read each statement and decide if it’s true or false for you.
Find the results with recommendations to lower your score at the end of the quiz. Good luck!
PS: Don’t worry if your score seems high. According to the National
Institute of Mental Health’s website, almost one in five Americans struggle
with worry and non-severe anxiety.
When I tune into what I’m thinking, I’m usually pondering something about the past or the future, rather than focusing on what is going on right now.
I often find myself wishing things were different.
I wish I could take better care of my own needs (e.g., exercise, rest, nutrition, social support).
I often clench my teeth or feel tension in my shoulders, stomach, or neck.
I wish I could worry less about my own health.
I wish I could worry less about my loved ones.
I wish I could worry less about my finances.
I wish I could worry less about world events.
I am hesitating to pursue a dream I’ve had for a while.
Anxiety and worry are things we all can struggle with at times and the core of those feelings is fear. But at some point, we have to realize we have our own loving power that’s bigger than our fear. And we need to claim that to free ourselves from the bondage of pain and lack of self-worth. The body sometimes knows how much you can handle – and if you’re open enough, it’ll give you what you need to keep growing.
On this episode of The Addicted Mind podcast, Duane talks to Gigi Langer about her award-winning book “50 Ways to Worry Less Now.” She takes us through her own recovery story, how worry and fear were a major part of it, and how she learned to overcome it and create the life that she loves and thrives in.
Find the biggest worry-buster and anxiety-buster technique!
Growing up with an alcoholic in the family, Gigi chose to be the “good girl.” At 40, she was completing her Ph.D. at Stanford and was under a lot of stress and pressure. She had a lot of crash and burn relationships and had divorced twice by the time she was in her doctoral program. She discovered marijuana, which somehow softened the blow of all her disappointments from all the tension and failed relationships. She thought her achievements and romance were going to take care of her feelings, but those didn’t work obviously.
Gigi practically lived a double life, being the good girl as the assistant professor, and also living a life of promiscuity and in the early stages of alcoholism. She then proved to herself over the next six months that she could not predict what behavior she would display even if she only had one drink.
Eventually, her third husband went to an Al-Anon meeting and Gigi went to AA. She stuck with the program and therapy. She got divorced after a year of couples therapy, this time, in a responsible way. The following year, she met her husband whom she has been married to for over 30 years now – happy and fulfilled.
Key Quotes:
[11:57] – “The true self or loving power… we have to be honest and we have to claim some kind of power bigger than our own fear.”
[13:37] – “I was afraid that if I ripped the band-aid off and started getting honest, all the feelings would come out and just completely destroy me. And that was not my experience. It still felt scary when those things came up. But I could handle them.”
[18:57] – “We think what our minds are producing is real and that our feelings are 100% real… but it is a story that our minds have made up based on our past.”
[19:33] – “The lies that we tell ourselves have nothing to do with who we are at base.”
[25:41] – “Most of the things that are advertised and glorified are things that numb us away from our true selves… if we’re numbing our feelings out with any habitual behavior, our chance of becoming happy is almost nil because we won’t be able to get honest and own what’s going on with us.”
[27:33] – “When we start to heal and get honest, and we dissolve some of those blockages, then more love flows in and out. And then these amazing things start happening.”
[28:26] – “Scary things scare us. That’s never going to stop. It’s what happens once I notice I’m scared… Call someone, reach out for help, pray, meditate, and use some of the tools. Enter the process of working with it.”
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Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.
