Before I got sober, I didnât pray, unless you count uttering in desperation, âHelp me!â
Even though I didnât know what it meant, I memorized the Lordâs prayer, just to fit in at my best friendâs church.
** I had no idea that connecting regularly with a Higher Power (HP) could solve my troubles and fears. **
My favorite author, Karen Casey, writes: â(1) Prayer promises relief when we are anxious. (2) Prayer connects us with our Higher Power when we feel isolated and full of fear. (3) Prayer frees our minds from the obsession to plan other peopleâs lives. (4) Prayer helps us take action when we feel compelled to change the circumstances of our lives. (5) Prayer becomes a wonderful resource to draw on when living through our painful moments. (6) And prayer gives us the willingness to accept Godâs solution for every problem that plagues us.â (from âA Life of My Ownâ)
My friends say that praying is asking, and meditation is listening to the God of our understanding. So, I meditate to gain all the wise direction I can get! (I also attend meetings, do service work, and read inspiring spiritual texts to keep myself balanced and stress-free).
** HOW DO YOU MAINTAIN YOUR CONSCIOUS CONTACT WITH YOUR HP?
Gigi Langer is a former teacher who quit drinking, only to find that her negative thinking, judging, and fears kept her in a cycle of worry, codependency, chronic pain, perfectionism, and overworking. Her award-winning book “50 Ways to Worry Less Now” (Amazon 4.8 stars) is available in paper, e-book, and audiobook. Honest, practical, simple. Relevant to anyone! GigiLanger.com/buy
Relationships Require Care. Follow these tips to find harmony and happiness.
Balance. Donât make the other person the most important thing in your life. Have a variety of interests, friends, & passions.
Support. Talk through your concerns & problems with healthy friends or a counselor before sharing it with your loved one. Donât make him/her your counselor.
Listen. When your loved one shares, donât interrupt. When they finish, summarize what you heard. Donât give your own story or suggestions. Instead, help them explore the issue with clarifying questions (“You mentioned _, tell me more about that.”). Ask permission to offer solutions.
Self-Awareness. Be honest about the motivations behind your words and actions. Where are you being controlling or self-centered?
Kindness. Focus on your loved oneâs strengths and demonstrate care through your words and actions.
Forgiveness. Wait at least 2 days before discussing a conflict. During the talk (not through text or email), acknowledge your part in the disagreement and listen to their side of the story.
Donât use substances as a way of avoiding feelings. If youâre drinking or using a lot, your relationships will often fail. Try no more than 2 normal-sized drinks a day; if you canât stick with that, get help.
Meditation. If youâre moody or prone to anxiety, try the free app, âInsight Timerâ. It guides you thru meditations for any situation or emotion.
** Relationships can be difficult; the healthier you are, the better are your relationships. **
Gigi Langer, PhD. Many years ago, I used alcohol, romance, and professional accomplishments to soothe my frayed nerves. When I quit drinking, I was left with only my fears and worries. Over time, I discovered effective tools from therapy, recovery proÂgrams, scientific research, and a variety of philosophical and spiritual teachings.
My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how I and others have defeated the faulty thinking leading to dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, addiction, and worry about loved ones. Gain practical strategies with directions, personal stories, and other helpful suggestions. Amazon: 4.8 stars (50 reviews) (Buy Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)
REVIEW by Karen Casey, best-selling author of Each Day a New Beginning (Hazelden) âEven though I have been in recovery for more than 4 decades, and didnât think another self-help book would make it to my treasured list, I was wrong. This book is a winner.â
Do you try to understand the other person’s point before offering your own ideas?
Giving your complete attention to another personâs words offers him a treasureâa sincere gesture of care. Unfortunately, most of us respond to our loved ones either by telling stories about our own past or offering solutions.
When in a conversation with someone, open your heart, empty your mind, and listen. If you notice yourself thinking about your own past, refocus your attention on what he is saying. If youâre tempted to suggest solutions, remind yourself that actively listening is your goal.
To show your intent to understand, briefly summarize what you think you heard. After that personâs reply, summarize again.
Listening in this way not only shows that you careâit also invites the person to clarify his own thoughts and feelings, often leading to helpful insights. Perhaps the initial “problem” is something else entirely.
For example, if a friend tells you sheâs worried about losing her job because her boss constantly criticizes her, tune in, breathe, and resist the urge to tell your own tale about a bad boss. Then paraphrase her words: âIt sounds like you get a lot of negative responses from him.â Your friend replies, âWell, itâs not really criticism. Itâs just that he has such high expectations.â Then you summarize (without giving advice), âHmmm, high expectations. Tell me more about those high expectations.â
Responding in these ways elicits her feelings and encourages more detail, allowing both of you to explore the problem before seeking positive ways to address it.
Try It Out!
â1. Select a friend or coworker whoâs easy to talk to, and plan a 15-minute conversation without interruption.
â2. You may want to begin by explaining
that youâre working on your listening skills and reassure the person you have
only good intentionsâto understand what they say.
â3. Ask the person to begin talking about
something happening in their life. Listen intently while resisting your urge to
break in with your own experiences or solutions.
â4. When the person stops, pause to see if theyâve finished talking and take a moment to prepare your response. Select the most important parts of what was said and summarize one of them in your own wordsâfor example, âSo, you said (fill in blank). Tell me more about thatâ or âYou mentioned the word (fill in blank). What does that mean to you?â TIP: If youâre talking less, and theyâre talking more, then youâre doing great!
â5. If it seems acceptable to the other person, at the end of the conversation, ask how it felt to be listened to this way.
Make It A Habit
In your everyday interactions, make a conscious effort to listen carefully to others and paraphrase what you heard. Withhold your own thoughts and reactions until you fully comprehend the other personâs position or experience. You will be amazed by the good will you create (and what you learn about the other person!)
Gigi Langer holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. She is an acclaimed teacher, author, and speaker who has helped thousands improve their lives at home and work. Gigi hasnât had a drug or drink for over 30 years, although she does occasionally overindulge in Ghirardelli chocolate and historical novels. She lives happily in Michigan with her husband, Peter and her cat, Murphy.
Grievances–grudges, judgment, criticism, resentment, blame, disapproval, or attackâblock us from happiness and serenity.
âWell I donât DO those things,â
You might think this, and youâre probably right. But what about the condemning attitudes living in our minds? Can any of us say we donât constantly judge othersâ words and actions? Of course we do.
It sounds like this: âIf I were him, I wouldnât do that.â âWhy canât she just get along with us? Whatâs wrong with her?â âThey should not be doing that; theyâre corrupt.â
The Problem with Grievances
Even though such statements seem true, the problem is that weâre focusing on the negative rather than the positive.
When we choose to hold a grievance, we canât see the other
personâs true selfâthe purity of
their spirit. Further, if we canât see the goodness in them, we canât claim it for
ourselves. What we send out to others comes back to us; itâs that simple.
Many of us deny our own negativity by numbing ourselves with substances or other unhealthy habitsâa dead end to positive growth. Even those trying to be more positive still struggle with inherent dark thoughts. I certainly do.
The good news is that Iâve found so many ways to escape my mindâs tendency to criticize and judge. You can find them in my book, âWorry Less Now,â and in my blog.
How to Overcome A Grievance
Hereâs a technique that showed up today as I read Lesson 78, âLet miracles replace all grievances,â from A Course in Miracles. First I was to recall all my negative thoughts about an important person in my life: what that person had done, their âweaknesses,â and other offenses. Then I was to ask spirit to help me see him through the eyes of loveââLet your mind be shown the light in him beyond your grievances.â Then it suggested that I thank this person for prompting my negativity and discomfort so that I could release it and be peaceful and happy.
I just did the exercise as directed. As I chose to focus on the perfection of this personâs spirit rather than the images my mind had conjured, I found a deep peace creep over me. I could hardly remember what I thought was âwrong,â and I felt a loving connection with the person. As a result, I felt the light of spirit growing in myself.
The miracle of replacing fear with love had occurred. Amen.
I would love to hear from you: What gets in the way of your serenity? How do you overcome grievances or grudges?
Gigi Langer has been clean and sober for 33 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Sheâs a sought-after speaker and retreat leader who has helped thousands improve their lives at work and at home.
Read her blog here or order her award-winning book (50 Ways to Worry Less Now) from Barnes and Noble, Amazon (5 stars), and all e-book vendors.
Before I got sober, I didnât pray, unless you count uttering in desperation, âHelp me!â 
Gigi Langer is a former teacher who quit drinking, only to find that her negative thinking, judging, and fears kept her in a cycle of worry, codependency, chronic pain, perfectionism, and overworking. Her award-winning book “50 Ways to Worry Less Now” (Amazon 4.8 stars) is available in paper, e-book, and audiobook. Honest, practical, simple. Relevant to anyone! GigiLanger.com/buy
