“Many of us mistakenly think happiness comes from outside ourselves. For example, when other people shower us with love, we’re happy. When the boss compliments our work, we’re happy. On the other hand, relying on our inner wisdom to tell us we’re worthy and believing we are worthy are untapped skills for most of us. It’s really only a simple change in perspective. It’s looking within, not without, for knowledge of our worth. There’s no mystery to it. We can do it. “ from A Life of My Own by Karen Casey
Karen Casey is one of my favorite writers. When I got sober, her daily meditation book, Each Day a New Beginning (published by Hazelden), saved my life by putting healthy, hopeful thoughts into my mind. And, did I ever need it!
I had grown up totally unaware of the pure goodness that I had inside me. It was covered up by sadness, feeling less than others, guilt for my crazy home-life, and shame.
Since I was unaware of my true worth, I tried to imitate others who seemed happy. I copied their “outsides,” hoping I could fix my “insides.”
I pretended to be to be smart, well-mannered, friendly, and happy–I was willing to do anything for love and acceptance. For a while, getting high grades and being a “good girl” did the trick. Then I moved on to obsessing about boyfriends and early sexual adventures–those few minutes of bliss certainly softened my awful feelings.
I was constantly seeking something outside of me to fill up the empty hole of insecurity gnawing inside me. But none of it really worked; it left me frustrated, alone, and enraged (even tho’ it took years to admit it). Finally, I discovered booze and marijuana as my “go to” method of erasing the pain of life. What a wonderful numbness it gave me.
But, eventually, even that didn’t work. My failed relationships and divorces piled up at the same rate as the degrees I earned. I became so frustrated, I finally sought help. And that’s when I realized how broken I was.
When I walked through the doors of my first 12-step meeting, the people there saw and responded to the goodness inside me. They believed I was already worthy of love. Although I couldn’t really believe it, I clung desperately to it. I followed their suggestions, found a sponsor who loved and guided me, and awoke to the divine spark of love within and surrounding me.
Happiness comes from connecting with the divine spark within each of us.
I have no need to imitate other peoples’ outsides because I’m so full of love and peace inside. And, when a newcomer walks through the door, I can see their true worth–just waiting to be uncovered and discovered by them.
PS For more about low self-esteem, creating an invented self, the impostor syndrome, and finding self-worth, click here.
Gigi Langer is a former “Queen of Worry.” She’s also an educator, speaker, and author of 50 Ways to Worry Less Now: Reject Negative Thinking to Find Peace, Clarity, and Connection, winner of the 2018 Indie Excellence Award. Available through Amazon (5 stars), Barnes and Noble, and e-book sites. Langer holds a Ph.D. in Psychological Studies in Education and an MA in Psychology, both from Stanford. As Georgea M. Langer, she has published several books for teachers and school administrators.