LISTEN to THE RECOVERY SHOW PODCAST as Spencer and I share WHAT TO DO when your spouse, partner, or child is making a mess of their lives (and yours!). We’ve both been there, and at first, living with an alcoholic scared the @#% out of us!
You may remember that my dear (4th) husband, Peter, started drinking again after 20 years of sober marriage. I had met him at an AA meeting, and had never–ever–seen him drink. Then suddenly I had to watch it—and figure out how to handle it. Here’s how we did it. And, you can do it too.
CLICKHERETO learn how to find sanity as you watch a loved one crash and burn as an alcoholic or addict. Gain many tips and ideas for your own recovery.
A BIG THANK YOU to Spencer for the Recovery Show podcast–“A 12-step recovery for those of us who love alcoholics or addicts. We share our experience, strength, and hope as we use the principles of the Al-Anon program in our lives. We talk openly and honestly about the problems and challenges as we face alcoholism and addiction in our friends and relatives. We share the tools and solutions we have found that let us live a life that is serene, happy, and free, even when the alcoholic or addict is still drinking or using.”
Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Easter.
Last week I flew to Michigan from my new home in FL to visit my recovery buddies. It was an awesome visit!!
First, what a treat to finally be able to fly and watch the ground fade away into fluffy white clouds (I always sit in the window seat!)
Second, I got to ride the most wonderfully trained horse for 2 hours in the roads and fields northwest of Ann Arbor. Thanks to my dear buddy and her darling daughters for making that happen!
The 3-day Women’s Recovery Retreat on Lake Huron was the highlight of the week. The inspiring and witty Barbara Brownyard* led sessions on Steps 3, 7, and 11.
The Ann Arbor Women’s Group sponsored the retreat to help connect women in recovery and bolster our sobriety.
I spent the last 2 nights with my closest recovery buddy, my sponsor. When I arrived at her house, exhausted, they fed me a fabulous Mexican dish. As we chatted afterward, I started listing to the left in my chair, and they promptly put me to bed.
The next day we had lunch on Walled Lake with my first sponsor and another dear friend. I fit in a quick dinner with a thriving sponsee, and then topped off the visit with a meeting at my very first home group, St. Paul’s of the Cross. Of course, we had to go out for ice cream after!
Thanks to all my wonderful recovery buddies. You enrich my life and teach me so much. Plus, we have SO much Fun! I treasure each and every one of you!
Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.
My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to reject the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)
Have you ever considered that the word “forgive” can be seen as ’fore-give?
I think of it as “before-giving”—giving to another before they’ve done anything to “deserve” it. Perhaps that’s the only reason we’re here — to give love and kindness to everyone we meet.
“Fore-giving is merely looking beyond a person’s flaws and seeing only their spirit. Thus, we give love to others, regardless of how they look or act. This, I believe, is what God would have us do.
Really?? What if They’re a Jerk?!
There IS one caveat, however: Although we may focus on a person’s essential goodness, we don’t have to put up with their unacceptable behavior. Even after setting boundaries, we can still see their spirit as pure and innocent.
When we choose to ‘fore-give, we expand the force of love in the world, thus dissolving fear and selfishness. We all become free, peaceful, and happy.
Give it a Try!
Just for today (and tomorrow, too!) let’s try to see the goodness in every person we encounter, and treat them with the love and respect befitting a child of God. When you ‘fore-give it make us all feel better!
P.S. A Course in Miraclesteaches that the world’s pain is caused by our selfish egos’ excesses, and that the truth lies beyond these fearful appearances—in the eternal spirit of goodness within each of us.
My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Nowdescribes how to reject the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful suggestions. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)
Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.
Selfish thinking wrecks our relationships, health, and life success. This destructive force sounds like this:
What can I get out of this?
How can I hold on to what I have?
What can I accomplish so I can look good? Why can’t those other people behave so I can relax?
How can I avoid pain and suffering?
THE COST OF SELF-WILL
Ironically, most pain and suffering is caused by living from selfish motivations. As long as our dishonesty and inconsideration are in the driver’s seat, we have little chance of happiness or peace of mind. In my experience, we gain love and success when we ask a power greater than our selfishness to guide us, and then consistently practice rejecting self-centered thinking.
If that seems far-fetched, let’s consider how well your life works when guided by your own self-centered thoughts and feelings. In my case, I could not get relationships to work because I was seeking only to fulfill my own emotional and romantic needs. I only got good grades and degrees to gain respect and admiration from others. Such purely selfish motives resulted only in disillusion, bitterness, alcohol abuse, promiscuity, extreme stress, and chronic pain.
But all that changed once I got honest, found a higher power, and chose to make my life better through consistent practices and healthy tools.
HONESTY
It takes a healthy amount of self-honesty to take responsibility for the failures in our lives. Unfortunately, our selfish mind tells us it’s all everyone else’s fault. It loves to play the role of the victim. Makes sense, right? If I didn’t make the bad things happen, then I don’t have to do anything different!
Perhaps all personal and spiritual growth begins with admitting that our way of doing things is not working. Noone is forcing us to overwork, overeat, lie, or blast anger at a loved one. These reactions are driven by the delusion that I deserve better than what I’m getting.
I must say that honestly owning our own attitudes, judgments, and actions takes courage and often requires the support of healthy friends or a professional. Further, it’s hard to get honest when we’re using drugs, booze, shopping, food, overwork, or other ways to numb our feelings.
POWER
Once we realize our own efforts are only bringing us unhappiness, we are left with one choice: to find a power greater than our own failings to guide us. We may find it within us, outside us, or all around us. It doesn’t matter what you call it—God, higher power, universe, love, inner-guide, true self, nature, etc.–this power can dissolve the fearful self’s messages. But, this requires commitment and practice.
CHOICE & PRACTICE
Unfortunately, one decision to trust a loving power doesn’t put things right. Each day–and sometimes each minute–we can choose to reject our selfish behavior by visualizing how we want to be in the future. And then we practice keeping our mind away from limited thinking.
In my case, I ask a higher power to give me courage, compassion, and grace in all my interactions. I also ask for specifics, for example, a successful new “Worry Less Now” video course. I always leave a little “wiggle room” for a higher magic by adding “in the best way for all.” We don’t have to plot each step toward our desired goal; we just have to keep affirming that it is coming to us in its own time and in way. But we need to be on guard for dishonesty and self-centered fear.
Only regular practice can replace the chatter of self-will with loving wisdom and care. To open the channel to our source, we might use meditation, energy work, cognitive reframing, prayer, acts of kindness, forgiveness visualizations, guided meditations, or groups studying inspiring texts (e.g., The Four Agreements, The Power of Now, Course in Miracles, Bible, etc.) Any practice that connects us with a positive power can overcome our self-centered, demanding, and critical thoughts and actions.
WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE WAYS TO OVERCOME SELF-CENTERED THINKING? We’d love to hear from you.
For more specific practices that reduce selfish, negative thinking, please see my book and blog at GigiLanger.com.
Gigi Langer has been sober 34 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Michigan with her husband, Peter and her cat, Murphy.
In Worry Less Now, Gigi shares her personal journey as a prisoner of fear, worry, and substance abuse, along with practical techniques anyone can use. Award-winner with rave reviews. Amazon rating: 4.8 stars.
Get special offers on the paperback, e-book, and audiobook HERE.
