Healthy Friends & Communication Archives

March 3, 2022March 3, 2022

CAN WE GIVE TO OTHERS WHAT WE WANT TO RECEIVE?

What do we want? At the most basic level, we all want to be loved. We want to feel safe, accepted and cared for. Many of us spend our entire lives in a headlong search for these basics, only to fail in our quest. Likely, it’s because we’ve had it backwards: We can only receive for ourselves what we give to others.

If we want loving care for ourselves, then why is it so hard to give it to others? One answer: the fearful self (ego) perceives a limited amount of love in the world, and believes if we give it away, we’ll lose it forever. But the opposite is true: in the world of our spiritual selves, love is unlimited; in fact it only grows when we give it away. But so often we don’t.

Resistance to Love

Have you ever found yourself thinking of calling someone, and then withholding it or putting it off? I do. Often! Love’s voice might sound like this: You should call ____; they could use some support. Then ego closes my heart and whispers, You don’t have time, or They don’t really need your call. The excuses proliferate: You might be disturbing them. Why would they want to talk to you anyway?

What’s up with that? Well, somewhere deep in my shadow, I’m resisting caring for that person, based on something they either did or didn’t do. Or they might remind me of some painful situation, and my fear-filled thoughts get so loud they distract me from taking loving action.

When we give in to such resentments, we unwittingly cut off love for ourselves—the exact thing we’ve been searching for! We just can’t receive what we’re unable to give. (Although, in recovery and spiritual communities, the generous love given to us often melts our resistance.)

Learning to Open Our Hearts

Learning to give and receive love heals the patterns that have sabotaged our past relationships. This journey requires a few commitments: Abstaining from numbing our feelings with romance, food, alcohol, or other mind-altering substances; joining regularly with people who are growing out of self-centered fear and into their open-hearted selves; and finally, doing the work by using many daily tools to replace our negativity with love—for God, ourselves, and everyone else.

For me, the Twelve Steps, therapy, and my Course in Miracles study groups have totally transformed my life. Although I may sometimes resist my heart’s call to give love, I notice this, ask my higher power to reshape my negative thoughts, and move forward with love and care.

Although it’s a joy to live this way, I must admit, I don’t follow my own advice every minute of every day. For example, I’d rather be writing this than reaching out to my sister. I think I’ll call her now! (I just did, and it was a wonderful conversation!)

When we give open-hearted love to others, they can offer it to another, who then opens their heart to another, and so on. It’s a beautiful chain of light that begins when we reject our self-centered fear and choose to love instead.

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU:

HOW DO YOU OPEN YOUR HEART TO OTHERS? WHAT HAS HELPED YOU GIVE AND RECEIVE LOVE?

Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.

Gigi’s award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to correct the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted, personally signed Paperback with free Workbook PDF HERE)

August 14, 2021August 22, 2021

A Week with My Recovery Buddies in Michigan

Last week I flew to Michigan from my new home in FL to visit my recovery buddies. It was an awesome visit!!

First, what a treat to finally be able to fly and watch the ground fade away into fluffy white clouds (I always sit in the window seat!)

Second, I got to ride the most wonderfully trained horse for 2 hours in the roads and fields northwest of Ann Arbor. Thanks to my dear buddy and her darling daughters for making that happen!

The 3-day Women’s Recovery Retreat on Lake Huron was the highlight of the week. The inspiring and witty Barbara Brownyard* led sessions on Steps 3, 7, and 11.

The Ann Arbor Women’s Group sponsored the retreat to help connect women in recovery and bolster our sobriety.

I spent the last 2 nights with my closest recovery buddy, my sponsor. When I arrived at her house, exhausted, they fed me a fabulous Mexican dish. As we chatted afterward, I started listing to the left in my chair, and they promptly put me to bed.

The next day we had lunch on Walled Lake with my first sponsor and another dear friend. I fit in a quick dinner with a thriving sponsee, and then topped off the visit with a meeting at my very first home group, St. Paul’s of the Cross. Of course, we had to go out for ice cream after!

Thanks to all my wonderful recovery buddies. You enrich my life and teach me so much. Plus, we have SO much Fun! I treasure each and every one of you!

* P.S. Barbara Brownyard has written a beautiful book on meditation: https://www.amazon.com/Sitting-Silence-Barbara-Brownyard/dp/1973650002

My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to reject the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)

November 14, 2020November 14, 2020

Sober Friends: Essential for Women’s Recovery!

The relapse rate for women after substance-abuse treatment is way too high; some experts estimate 22-40% .

One of the best ways to maintain freedom from drugs and alcohol is to find SOBER friends .

Why New Sober Friends?

If she’s anything like I was 34 years ago, a newly sober woman has only a few friends, usually a male partner and a few female drinking (or drugging) buddies. Since these people likely will continue “partying,” she needs new healthy friends to hang out with. Also, she may have limited funds, making it difficult to pursue healthy, fun activities.

To fill this need, a group of us formed a non-profit corporation, the Ann Arbor Women’s Group (A2WG), to connect sober women through fun and informative events, workshops, and retreats. We sponsor low-cost monthly events in Southeast Michigan with ample scholarships and transportation.

A2WG’s Miraculous Beginning

Our founder noticed that newly sober women had no idea what to do with their weekends, so she asked them to join her at women’s professional basketball games. Afterwards, they’d go out for coffee and pie. Thus, the vision was born.

In 2006 we offered our first three-day retreat on the shores of Lake Huron, and many participants attended for only a fraction of the cost.

Later that year, while standing in line to buy a speaker tape at the AA International Women’s Conference in Detroit, our founder shared her vision with the young woman behind her who replied, “You’ve got to meet my mom! She’s gonna love this!”

Up they went in an elevator to the mother’s hotel room in the glass-tubed Renaissance Center. Upon hearing the idea, the mother asked for a proposal and soon sent us our first grant. This same foundation (along with many community and private donors) has supported our programs for almost 14 years. Amazing!

How We Operate

We have a nine-person Board of Directors and one part-time employee in charge of communications, social media, website, event coordination, and fundraising campaigns. Each board member works with our employee to organize one or two monthly events and to keep our organization running smoothly.

Many of our events are sobriety-enhancing workshops (e.g., meditation, journaling, staying sober during the holidays). Others are fun social activities (e.g., hiking, movie, horseback riding, family lake picnic, ziplining). We offer transportation to all our events for the many women who need it.

Our premier yearly event, a three-day retreat on the shores of beautiful Lake Huron, is facilitated by a professional recovery retreat leader. To maximize access, fully one-third of the 60 women attend on a scholarship, paying only a small fee. At these retreats, women forge lasting sober friendships and gain valuable tools to strengthen their sobriety.

One of our most expensive, but vital, services is providing childcare for two 12-step weekly meetings. We hire Red-Cross-certified child-care workers who offer parents a safe place for their children while attending recovery meetings (or some of our other events) .

Since our primary sponsor covers only a portion of our expenses, we work quite hard to raise money through grant-writing, bake-sales, Giving Tuesday, and our many generous donors. Finally, we engage in a yearly fundraising comedy show for the entire community.

In case you’re wondering, we honor the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) Traditions by remaining unaffiliated with any particular AA meeting or structure. Our non-profit corporation is operated the same way a club rents out space for meetings, but is separate from AA. This independence allows us to raise money, receive grants, and perform other fiscal transactions.

You Could Do This Too!

If you want to help early-recovery women find new sober friends, here are a few ways to begin.

–Keep it simple by organizing a movie night, hike, or some other low-cost, fun activity. Then offer similar events every month or so.

–Advertise by sharing flyers and making “non-AA related announcements” at meetings. (You don’t want anyone to feel excluded; so it’s not “by invitation only.” )

-Have people register by calling the organizer. Get their emails and start a mailing list.

-As you get a core group of reliable volunteers, you might appoint a Treasurer and create a bank account.

-When your group is ready, offer a one-day local retreat to learn how to manage logistics, food, and other tasks. We usually present a recovery-topic in the morning, have lunch, and then lead a fun activity like drumming, yoga, or meditation in the afternoon.

-If you wish, you could offer a weekend retreat (Friday evening through Sunday noon) at a beautiful location. Select a qualified leader from one of your groups. Offer 90-minute sessions Friday evening, Saturday morning and afternoon, with a fun “No-Talent Show” on Saturday night. Conduct a healing ritual on Sunday morning, and have people share what they’ve gained from the retreat. And, voila! You’ve done it!

-If you want to register as a non-profit organization, you’ll need to form a Board of Directors, create by-laws, and apply to the IRS. This will enable you to do fundraising to sponsor scholarships for those in need.

Get Started Now!

With Covid-19 inhibiting face-to-face events, you have some time to begin planning activities to help women find sober friends. Perhaps forward this article to some women willing to work on this idea. Then meet at a coffee shop to decide which events you’ll plan for this spring or summer.

If your group turns out to be “higher-powered,” as is ours, you’ll be amazed by the joy you’ll receive from this service activity.

I’m SO grateful for the privilege of watching women who started out feeling disconnected and afraid grow into confident, productive mothers, citizens, and employees. It is a true gift!

To learn more about the Ann Arbor Women’s Group, check out our website at a2womensgroup.org. Maybe even make a donation while you’re there! We’re also on Facebook and Twitter.

Gigi Langer has been sober 34 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Michigan with her husband, Peter and her cat, Murphy.

In Worry Less Now, Gigi shares her personal journey as a prisoner of fear, worry, and substance abuse, along with practical techniques anyone can use. Award-winner with rave reviews. Amazon rating: 4.8 stars.

Get special offers on the paperback, e-book, and audiobook HERE.

March 13, 2020March 13, 2020

7 Ways to Help Your Spouse Feel Secure During Your Depressive Episode

By Guest Blogger, Rebecca Lombardo

Many people have asked my husband and me how we’ve stayed together for so long with my mental illness looming overhead.

It’s a fair question; I know many couples that have ended up divorcing because one or the other couldn’t handle the added pressure of mental illness. I think in our case, that added element of pressure only made our marriage stronger.

Hope During a Depressive Episode

I don’t doubt that some people with depression or anxiety say to themselves, “I can barely take care of myself during a bout of depression; how am I supposed to worry about someone else?” To that I say, “I understand, and I’ve been there,” because I was diagnosed nearly 25 years ago.

I know from experience that when you stick together during the bad times, the good times are so much sweeter. On the day we got married, my husband said, “Well, you’re stuck with me now.” But I didn’t always make it easy for him.

Of course, at the beginning we struggled. We struggled a great deal, but we knew that we loved each other enough to keep working on the relationship.

If you truly love your spouse, you can gather enough strength to show you care for them, even when you don’t even have the energy to get out of bed.

Communicating During a Depressive Episode

It’s essential that your partner be made aware of what you’re going through. You can’t just shut down and isolate. The next time you go looking for their support, they may not be there because you’ve made them feel alienated.

Once I learned to utilize the seven methods listed below, we began to communicate better, even in the darkest of times. For many, these techniques may be common sense, but for those of us with a mental illness, sometimes we need to get out of our own way and just focus on the basics..

I’m not suggesting that you jump into the list with both feet. Take your time and find what works best for you and your spouse.

Talk to your spouse and tell them what you are feeling. As soon as you feel yourself falling into a depressive episode, let them know, even if you’re having trouble coming up with the why and the how,
Assure your partner that they are not the cause of your mood. Sit down and tell them point blank that they have nothing to do with how you’re feeling. You have no idea how powerful something so simple can be.
Tell them that it’s okay that they can’t fix the situation. This was a big one for my husband. He loves me and he didn’t want to see me in pain. So, he often felt as if he had to do something to make it better for me. Unfortunately, most of us need to work through things in our own time before we feel better.
Offer them simple options to help you feel better. Maybe you’re having a craving for chocolate or you just really want a tuna fish sandwich. Ask your spouse to pick up one of these items for you. When they bring it home, genuinely let them know that they’ve helped, even if it’s just a little.
Try to make sure you don’t take anything out on them. One of the biggest stumbling blocks early on was my temper, and because my husband was the only one around, he got to feel the wrath. This goes hand in hand with communication. You might simply say, “Look, I’m not doing well right now and it may seem like I’m taking it out on you. I’m sorry if I do, it’s not your fault.”
Thank them for being there for you. Many times, the only real remedy for a situation is a “thank you.” It’s a rewarding feeling to know you’ve helped the one you love. Once your partner feels appreciated, they’re more likely to be supportive more often.
If you’re having trouble giving your feelings a voice, write put them in a letter. This is valuable on many levels. It can help the situation in the present, but if your partner is anything like my husband, he’ll keep it and read it when times get hard again. If you’re truly transparent and honest with your emotions, it could be the best thing to happen to your relationship.

Give It A Try

I hope you’ll consider trying a couple of these the next time you feel like you’re sinking into a depressive episode.

You can have a strong relationship with a solid structure while enduring mental illness. It doesn’t have to be a struggle.

Believe me when I tell you that having a stable partnership takes one of the heaviest loads off your back in a dark time. Suffering through depression is exhausting enough, but knowing that your relationship is falling apart around you makes it ten times harder.

Do yourself a favor and just try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Rebecca Lombardo is the author of “It’s Not Your Journey” where she details two years of her twenty-five year battle with mental illness. As she recovered from an attempt to take her life, she wrote the book to purge her pain and raw emotions. Rebecca offers the reader support and guidance as she begs them not to follow her path.

Rebecca and Joe Lombardo host a podcast, Voices for Change 2.0, Live on Saturdays. Learn more about Rebecca at www.rebeccalombardo.com allthatwax2019.scentsy.us Tw: @BekaLombardo

Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

Category: Healthy Friends & Communication