Gigi Langer

Worry Less Now!

 Love More Now!

WHEN LIFE IS SCARING THE S*** OUT OF US!

For the past two months, my dear Peter has been quite ill. You may remember that he’s my fourth husband, after many failures due to codependence and substance abuse. I’ve now had the blessing of 32 ½ happy years with a caring, responsible, and extremely fun partner.

   I love him dearly and am grateful for every day together. Don’t get me wrong, though; I haven’t made him into my higher power as I did with so many other men. No, I stand in the strength of spirit, and we hold hands as we meet life’s adventures together.
   So, in this latest adventure, we recently learned that Peter has significant heart disease; and then yesterday, he had all the signs of a heart attack! So went to the ER, and they kept him at the hospital overnight. YIKES!
     So, how do we handle things that are scaring the shit out of us? A well-worn statement from Alanon is: The more we talk about the problem, the less we focus on the solution. So, let’s get to the solutions:

  • focusing on love rather than fear,
  • not numbing my feelings, and
  • clinging to strong supportive friends.

Not Scaring Myself: Choosing Love 

Thank God, I recently signed up for Carol Howe’s short daily recordings of ACIM  (A Course in Miracles) lessons. ACIM teaches us over and over that our fearful, self-centered mind (ego) causes our upsets because it always “thinks” something is keeping us from getting what we want. For example, my fearful voice was crying, “Will I be left alone? Can I handle Peter’s declining health?”
   You can see these are all ego-questions about “me, myself, and I.” But these imaginings are only projections of past pain onto the future. They have nothing to do with the truth. 
My only path to peace is to reject the ego’s lies and focus on Love. So, I chose new thoughts: ”I will not see this situation through fear; I see it only through Love. Nothing can separate me from goodness; and the same goes for Peter. All is well.”

Staying Present with Support                                                          

During my tough times, I have two non-negotiables:

  1. I mustn’t consistently numb myself out with drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, or overactivity. I sure did eat a lot of sugar this week; and I’ve been known to veg out in front of movies to soften the blow of fear. But I don’t do this for long, and I continue my footwork. If I go for days with self-numbing and no positive self-care, I am in trouble and need help.
  2. I must reach out for support from friends on a similar growth path. This is not usually a family member or romantic interest; and it’s not someone who judges or tries to fix me. Most of my support buddies are healthy, sober women.

Your Prayers Rock!

So yesterday, I sent out a call for prayer and support from my recovery buddies, and WOW! did they ever pull through! I got so many sweet, comforting texts (Some who sent them are reading this, and I thank you SO much!)
      Here’s one example from my dear friend, Eileen, who sent this request to Rosary Circle, Carolyn Myss’ prayer community: 
“Please pray for Peter, the husband of my dear friend, Gigi. Peter has been ill for a couple of months with influenza B and was recently diagnosed with heart disease. Please visualize Peter eagerly learning about cardiovascular disease and embracing the dietary and lifestyle changes that will improve his health. Pray that he finds educational resources that fit his needs and budget, that he experiences hope and that he feels the love of family and friends. Bless Gigi as she supports Peter and bless his caregivers as they develop an effective and efficient plan to monitor and treat him. We gratefully anticipate Peter’s return to health that he may use his life to serve you.”   Thank you, thank you, thank you. It is done!   

The Good News

Tonight we came home from the ER with a good report: Altho’ Peter has heart disease, he has not had a heart attack, and he passed the stress test quite well! (He does still have Influenza B even though we had flu shots). But, there is so much to be grateful for.
    I am so glad I’ve learned to keep my serenity bank full by praying, meditating, and joining with my friends in AA, Alanon, and ACIM. When the scary times hit, I can call on that reserve to help us through it with trust and calm. 

Worry Less Now; Gigi Langer

Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.

Worry Less Now Cover

Gigi’s award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to correct the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)



THE DIVINE SPARK!

Happiness comes from the divine spark within each of us.

“Many of us mistakenly think happiness comes from outside ourselves. For example, when other people shower us with love, we’re happy . . . On the other hand, relying on our inner wisdom to tell us we’re worthy and believing we are worthy . . . [require] only a simple change in perspective. It’s looking within, not without, for knowledge of our worth. There’s no mystery to it. “  from A Life of My Own by Karen Casey


Karen Casey is one of my favorite writers. When I got sober, her daily meditation book, Each Day a New Beginning (Hazelden), saved my life by putting healthy, hopeful thoughts into my mind. And, did I ever need them!

I had grown up totally unaware of the pure goodness that I had inside me. It was covered up by sadness, feeling less than others, a sense of insecurity, guilt from my crazy home-life, and shame over my sexual behavior.

Looking in All the Wrong Places

I was constantly seeking something outside of myself to fill up the hole of insecurity gnawing inside me. Unaware of my true worth, I tried to imitate others who seemed happy. I copied their “outsides,” hoping I could fix my “insides.” I pretended to be to be smart, well-mannered, friendly, and happy–I was willing to do anything for love and acceptance. 

But none of it really worked; it left me frustrated, alone, and enraged (even though it took years to admit it). When I discovered that booze and marijuana could erase the pain of life, I was quite relieved–but only temporarily.

Eventually, even that didn’t work. My failed relationships and divorces piled up at the same rate as my degrees. When I realized how broken I was, I finally sought help. 

The Solutions

As I walked through the doors of my first 12-step meeting, I could feel people responding to me as if I was already worthy of love. Although I couldn’t really believe it, I clung desperately to that possibility.

Over time, I followed their suggestions, found a sponsor who loved and guided me, and awoke to the divine spark of love within (and surrounding me). It’s now been over 35 years since I walked into that first meeting, and it has given me everything I have ever wanted. 

Worry Less Now; Gigi Langer

Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.

Worry Less Now Cover

Gigi’s award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to correct the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)

Turn Your Character Flaws into Assets!

After solving my drinking problem, I was amazed to find equally damaging aspects within my own personality–low self-esteem, jealousy, perfectionism, and constant anxiety. 

I now think of these “character flaws” as survival strategies that helped me cope in the past, but no longer serve me in the present. For example, standing up for my own needs often brought on ridicule at home, so I became a people-pleaser and pretended everything was fine. Now, many years later, I no longer need to suppress my needs because I’ve learned to be honest and assertive in my relationships. 

To change this old, damaging pattern, I needed to discover the motivators underlying it: where had I been fearful, dishonest, resentful, or selfish? Often these motivators showed up in my self-talk as whispered lies. For instance, my fear might whisper, “Don’t speak up; if you do, he’ll get angry and leave.”  Dishonesty also played its part by denying my unpleasant feelings. (For more on Whispered Lies, see my book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now – amzn.to/2RMx5m5). 

When I used therapy, the 12 steps, and other practices to dissolve my fears and dishonesty, I gained positive self-talk (Whispered Truths) such as, “I have the right to ask for what I desire.” As a result, my happiness and relationships benefited from my assertiveness and honesty.

Here I illustrate how each motivator (Fear, Dishonesty, Resentment, Selfishness) spawns whispered lies, character flaws, and negative consequences. But the story doesn’t end there! After choosing to let go of these patterns and humbly asking God to remove them, we find the healing of internal whispered truths and many benefits.

FEAR UNHEALED

  • Whispered Lies: “If I create conflict or speak up, people will leave me.”  â€śI must perform well to be loved.” “If I make a mistake, I’ll be abandoned.” 
  • Character Flaws: People-pleasing, Perfectionism, Fear of failure, Laziness, Doubt
  • Consequences: Victim mentality, Blaming others, Anxiety, Procrastination, Giving up

FEAR HEALED

  • Whispered Truths: “I have a right to ask for what I desire.” “I can be imperfect and still be worthy of love.” “My high standards improve my work when I also take good care of myself.”
  • Benefits: Assertiveness, Improved relationships, Courage, Serenity, Trust, Faith

DISHONESTY UNHEALED

  • Whispered Lies: “I have to be who people want me to be.” “If I can figure this out, I can keep my loved ones safe.” “I can’t be happy unless things change.”
  • Character Flaws: Codependency; Needing to control people, places, and things; Self-justification 
  • Consequences: Failed relationships, Trying to change others, Overthinking, Obsessing about the future, Lack of self-care, Anxiety, Denial of powerlessness

DISHONESTY HEALED

  • Whispered Truths: “I find the courage to take good care of myself.” “My higher power is in charge of my own and my loved ones’ security.” “I can’t change people, places or things, but I CAN change how I think and act.” “This is God’s job, not mine.” 
  • Benefits: Loving others with honesty, Moderation, Acceptance, Resiliency

RESENTMENT UNHEALED

  • Whispered Lies: “Nothing works out for me.” “Screw life!” “I’m not getting what I deserve.” “I hate him/her/it!”
  • Character Flaws: Negativity, Self-Pity, Intolerance, Impatience, Envy
  • Consequences: Gossip, Depression, Defensive in friendships, Distrust love, Anger 

RESENTMENT HEALED

  • Whispered Truths: “I have everything I need as God wills.” “Everything is in perfect order; I just can’t see it right now.” “This person is troubled just as I am; I see us both with compassion.” “All is well.”
  • Benefits: Acceptance, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Self-care, Humility (seeking God’s will), Generosity

SELFISHNESS UNHEALED

  • Whispered Lies: â€śShe’s better than I am, so she’ll get all the attention I need.” “I’m better at this than she is, so I’m more worthy than she is.” “I must have this NOW!”
  • Character Flaws: Pride, Greed, Self-criticism, Judging others, Suspicion
  • Consequences: Relationship difficulties, Withholding love, Non-communication, Stress/anxiety, Rigid expectations of others (and of ourselves). 

SELFISHNESS HEALED

  • Whispered Truths: “I am an equal among equals.” “We’re all loved and loveable.” â€śWe all share flaws; that’s okay.”
  • Benefits: Happy relationships, Generosity, Consideration of others, Acceptance 

*Note that each of the four motivators shows up to some extent in almost every flaw listed

HOW DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH THESE IDEAS? I’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU!

Worry Less Now; Gigi Langer

Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.

Worry Less Now Cover

My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to reject the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)

A Week with My Recovery Buddies in Michigan

recovery buddies

Last week I flew to Michigan from my new home in FL to visit my recovery buddies. It was an awesome visit!!

First, what a treat to finally be able to fly and watch the ground fade away into fluffy white clouds (I always sit in the window seat!)

Second, I got to ride the most wonderfully trained horse for 2 hours in the roads and fields northwest of Ann Arbor. Thanks to my dear buddy and her darling daughters for making that happen!

The 3-day Women’s Recovery Retreat on Lake Huron was the highlight of the week. The inspiring and witty Barbara Brownyard* led sessions on Steps 3, 7, and 11.

The Ann Arbor Women’s Group sponsored the retreat to help connect women in recovery and bolster our sobriety. 

I spent the last 2 nights with my closest recovery buddy, my sponsor. When I arrived at her house, exhausted, they fed me a fabulous Mexican dish. As we chatted afterward, I started listing to the left in my chair, and they promptly put me to bed.

The next day we had lunch on Walled Lake with my first sponsor and another dear friend. I fit in a quick dinner with a thriving sponsee, and then topped off the visit with a meeting at my very first home group, St. Paul’s of the Cross. Of course, we had to go out for ice cream after!

Thanks to all my wonderful recovery buddies. You enrich my life and teach me so much. Plus, we have SO much Fun! I treasure each and every one of you!

 * P.S. Barbara Brownyard has written a beautiful book on meditation:  https://www.amazon.com/Sitting-Silence-Barbara-Brownyard/dp/1973650002 

Worry Less Now; Gigi Langer

Gigi Langer has been sober 35 years, and holds a PhD in Psychological Studies in Education from Stanford University. Formerly crowned the “Queen of Worry,” Gigi resigned her post many years ago and now lives happily in Florida with her husband, Peter and her cat Murphy.

Worry Less Now Cover

My award-winning book, 50 Ways to Worry Less Now, describes how to reject the faulty thinking leading to addiction, dysfunctional relationships, perfectionism, and worry about loved ones. Check out the practical directions, personal stories, and other helpful growth tools. Amazon: 4.8 stars (Buy Discounted Paperback, e-book, OR audiobook HERE)